the agent wife files

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.4

2009-06-04T21:18:00.002-06:00

Sorry I've been so negligent here. The kids and I have been working through the book of Mark and it is a very enriching experience. I know I gain so much from reading with the intent of sharing the WORD with them. First, I have to think about what the main message is, then how to share it in a way preschoolers can understand, often times, I see just how piercingly true, demanding and gracious the Lover really is when we get to the nitty gritty of what does this really mean. I think some of the best things with purposeful sharing time has been our discussions. My two year old doesn't get into it much beyond the initial activity... but she has grasped such profound yet simple truths. When her brother is overwhelmed or having a hard time, she is often heard saying "Jesus will help you", so matter of fact and knowingly. It's beautiful and as I hear those words, it reminds me too "Jesus will help you", with whatever I'm dealing with.

My 4 year old is asking probing questions while we are doing activities.
I thought of the song: "on Monday, I was all alone, on Tuesday, I had my sins to atone, on Wednesday, o Lord I cried and I cried, on Thursday, o Lord, I thought I would die, on Friday, I started to pray, on Saturday, I read my bible all day, and on Sunday Lord, the heavens rejoiced, I've got the love of God in my soul... no reason to sigh anymore, no reason to cry anymore, no reason to die anymore, I've got the love of God in my soul". I printed out pictures snagged from the internet and we sang the song repeatedly. AO#1 started asking a lot about dying as we sang. He is a bit tormented by the idea of death and doesn't want his parents to die first. I tried to emphasize how awesome heaven was and that dying is nothing to be afraid of, that that is our time to be fully with the Lover in the home He is building for us. AO#1 is all into building right now and loved that idea. The more we talked, the giddier he got. He got to laughing and was so excited about heaven. But then he would start to cry and say that he wanted to die first, before me or his dad, because he didn't want us to die. What could I say? I can't guarantee to him that we will live until we are old, but I told him that we could pray we will all be old when we die and showed him pictures of my parents and grandma, showing how long they have lived. In a way, I think it's a bit much to be talking about such deep things as death with a 4 year old, but at the same time, death is our victory and life is not guaranteed. We must all know that each day is a gift.

It's sweet because we don't use this expression, but every time AO#1 prays, he says: "thank you for today and for my whole life". His sister has even started picking up on his phrase.

Yes, CEO, thank you for my whole life and those of my children and husband.

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.3

2009-05-11T20:47:00.002-06:00

a recent conversation in our home...

son: "mom, God is showing me a giant bell"
me: (looking for the meaning of this giant bell) "what does it look like?"
son: "it's big and old. It's brown. You have to push it and it goes 'ding dong, ding, dong'"
me (still looking for the meaning) "why do you think he's showing you a giant bell?"
son: (who seems shocked that I would not understand something so obvious) "because it's super fun!"

I learned today, from a four year old kingdom keeper of God's total love for me, for us-- that he wants us to experience joy and that we don't always have to look for some deep meaning, or make things complicated, that we can just accept his gifts and receive this love and joy from the Father.

Songs and mourning

2009-05-05T21:21:00.003-06:00

Mbamie asked for prayers the other day. She was wondering if she was sick because some weeks she gets really down and cries a lot about the loss of her baby. She has also been having nightmares. It made me wonder if it really was best for us to get her to see her baby and get the pictures when I heard that, but I also know and reassured her that the mourning and healing time is very strong during the first year and will even continue all throughout her life, but that the pain of loss will not be so raw forever. (I did ask if she felt like hurting herself or others and if the depression was debilitating, or if she can manage work, if she's eating...). I don't think she is dangerously depressed, but just dealing with the real emotions of losing a child. Pray for her peace and for the Lord to give her dreams that will bring healing to her heart.

Apart from some bumps, I've had a beautiful week in that I got to compose the music to go with the words spoken over our daughter. With each child, we invited friends and family to speak prophetic/encouraging words over them. I had read a book where parents spoke a blessing over their kids each day and thought how wonderful it would be to hear their words from their day of dedication to the Lord. It is so humbling to hear these great words of promise from scripture and others being said in reference to our child. It makes me realize even more what a gift she is and the amazing indwelling power of the Lover within each of us and her in particular.

Dedication

2009-04-17T12:27:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow we have invited friends to come to our home to speak words of blessing, promise, hope, goodness, prophecy, love... over AO#3. We would love for you to share in this celebration with us by writing a message for AO#3. These will be spoken over her not only now, but throughout her growing years. We believe in the power of our words and that the messages spoken to her from heaven and from our hearts/soul/minds will have a great influence on her. Feel free to post a message here or e-mail me at:

secretagentwife@gmail.com

We are excited to know who our daughter is and are full of joy for her future with us and in the world. We know that she is so very precious and that it is a huge privilege for us to be able to speak life and love over her.

chewed out

2009-04-07T18:51:00.001-06:00

I went over to my neighbor's to give them an invitation to our baby's dedication party and was met with fierce anger. "I could have killed your damn dog! She attacked me and Sammy (his lap dog)" "my dog? Are you sure it was my dog?" "yes, your damn dog that always snarls and barks at me!" "what happened?" "Your damn dog jumped on me and went after Sammy" (He is shaking with rage) "I am so sorry that happened. We don't let her out, but we noticed that the kids had left the gate open last week" "sorry is not good enough!" He pointed at me and yelled more damn this and damn that (damn is his favorite word). His anger was poisonous as I felt anger come up in me. "what do you want me to do, put her down? I'm sorry this happened and know what it's like to have a dog come out and attack" (we had a pit bull bite at our dog's neck down our street when we were on a walk once). I kept saying I was sorry and he kept shouting at me. I wanted to march out with my invitation, but felt like I was to stay and infuse calmness in the home, so I listened and apologized and sympathized.

I discovered that most likely our dog had jumped up on him and barked at him and sniffed his dog from his wife's description, but when she said that he came back shaking, I realized that the biggest affront was that our dog had scared him. I felt this in my spirit. He is 85 years old and while he is hefty looking I know that he doesn't walk much even and hates growing old. I talked with his wife for quite a while as we shared stories of times stray dogs had followed us or given us fear and I apologized some more and gave them the invitation.

When I left, I was so upset within myself. The hatred and rage was so palpable. (This neighbor has a lot of hatred and rage on his best days, over everything and anything, so he was really spewing with this). Then I realized what a sad life he lives, with no joy, always cursing the government, the world, only caring about the state of his social security check, damning everything. I was sincerely sorry for what had happened, but there was no forgiveness within him. I have been thanking the CEO that I was chewed out like this because it has reminded me to pray for peace for him- not just in this circumstance, but even more so within his innermost being, with the CEO.

party

2009-04-06T18:39:00.000-06:00

Meshell called asking me if I wanted to come to her son's party later in the day. I didn't want to, because I wanted to be selfish and stay home to do ultimately un-important things. Also, I knew her house would be filthy, smell bad and be highly uncomfortable. I asked agent B. what he thought and he suggested I go with AO#1. We walked over- which was awesome, getting one on one time with my son. The weather was perfect. I prepped him in advance saying that the house would smell, but to say nothing about it as that would be rude. He started getting really shy then saying he didn't want to go.

We got there and Meshell and her extended family were so happy we had come. I ended up really enjoying being there. Although we gasped when they opened the door (yes, it smelled that bad). And we eventually found a spot on a dirty couch in a small living area equally filthy and crawling with small roaches. Lots of people from the poverty culture came. They were offered a soda and chili dog that was cooked on a hot plate (they didn't have the gas on because Meshell's brother hadn't paid the bill). The family and friends were so very open, loving and genuine that it was a joy to be with them even on "turf" that we were not necessarily "at home" in.

We were the only ones who had brought a gift, which explained to me why Meshell never brings a gift to our parties. The party is not about expensive gifts, but about being together. Her son's birthday is not actually until the 27th, but they figured they needed to have it at the beginning of the month before their money ran out. I admire them for having people over in their humble circumstances to celebrate life.

letter

2009-04-05T18:25:00.003-06:00

The gospel really is not that complicated. The Lover left us with 2 commands... just 2: Love God and love others. This should not be so difficult if it were not for our flesh, our desires, our wants and religion and pride... getting in the way. I heard of a minister who wrote one word on his door that said: others. So I have been trying to simplify the gospel in my life, first of all just taking one day at a time and secondly focusing on others- not necessarily looking for ways to convert or reach out or share, but looking for ways to sincerely love.

Yesterday, I was thinking about Princess and how much I missed her and how she had opened up to me a couple of times in writing, but never really in person and why she didn't want to have relationship anymore. Then the Lover revealed to me that I may have really hurt her with a loose tongue in questioning her sisters about things that had gone on (I found out after that her sisters didn't know about it until I said something). I kept asking the CEO what to do and battled with my flesh which wanted to make up excuses, but I could see that pride and lack of self-control on my part may have really hurt an already beat up friend and ultimately our fragile relationship. I felt like I needed to write her and apologize and release her in my heart to the ultimate lover who can heal all situations and people. So I did.

freedom

2009-03-25T17:56:00.003-06:00

I got an e-mail some time back. It was a fairly exhaustive list of tips to help you avoid being abducted. It started off with logical advice like "don't walk down a dark alley alone at night", but progressed to "wear your hair up", an abductor often grabs long hair to take you and "don't go to your car if a man is sitting in a car next to it, go get a security officer", "don't have sympathy on someone with a cane or who is asking for help"... One of the statements was: "it is better to be paranoid than to be dead".

I was so appalled by this e-mail that was sent to me by a Christian! To me to be paranoid and in constant fear, distrusting of every male, turning from people who need help and orchestrating my whole life around a fear is to be dead already. What happened to "perfect love casts out fear" or even the most challenging and difficult directives by the Lover of praying for our enemies and those who persecute us.

I heard a tape once by a woman who was abducted by a rapist. She was amazing and shared the love of Christ with the man. She was not harmed in any way, was able to escape and later visited the man while he was in prison. She was able to see past his actions and her fear to see a man who had already lost the most important things in life, forgave him in her heart for the terror he caused her and offered him wholeness through the life saving message of the Redeemer.

To live in fear is to deny the power of the CEO or be open to his redemptive power. Even the vilest offender is one of the CEO's creations and Christ died for him/her too. I haven't had to face this terrible circumstance of having to forgive a horrible offense and hope I never have to, but if I do, I hope that I will have the inner fortitude to walk in forgiveness and love, because terror and bitterness destroys if not given over to the CEO.

We have been very challenged by the testimonies of genocide survivors Eva Kor (see the video Forgiving Dr Mengele) and Immaculée Ilibagiza who wrote Left to Tell. These women faced the most horrible torment and found power in forgiveness. Immaculée Ilibagiza even attributes her times of terror with granting her a most profound intimacy and communication with the CEO that has shaped her life to this day.

We must remember that he who is in us is greater than he who is in the world and that love conquers ALL.

Isaiah prayers again

2009-03-06T13:58:00.002-06:00

Please be praying once again for the Baier family and their son Isaiah. He is in the hospital again with his 3rd bout of meningitis. They caught it real fast since they are now pros at spotting it. This confirms for them and the doctor that their son is among one of the rare people that somehow has a hole in his brain that is causing the repeated meningitis. This requires locating the hole and brain surgery, which sounds horrible, but would be better than fighting meningitis repeatedly. The doctors also think something else may be wrong, so once Isaiah is strong enough to be released, they are going to travel to another city where there is a CAT scan that will not damage or draw interference with his cochlear implant in order to try to locate the hole and also see if something else is causing his many sicknesses. On top of the meningitis, he has gotten pneumonia and had a deadly reaction to an antibiotic. He was only off antibiotics 2 days when he started showing symptoms of meningitis again. The parents are taking it all in stride, but they are very tired. I can't imagine having to fight this off time and time again. Pray that the CEO will bring healing and direction, either miraculous or at the hand of the doctors, or both.

Poem, scents and swords

2009-03-02T15:44:00.000-06:00

I woke up one night and thought to pray. As I did, I "saw" my prayers ascending like incense and then felt that the prayers rising as incense was also swords doing warfare heavenward. This poem comes out of that experience:

scents and swords

her ardent murmurs
waft upward
a sweet perfume
smoky dance
mingling with the wind
scenting the heavens
with delightful aroma

his cries and tears
ascend violently
a riotous clamor
of clashing metal
ricochet off the
throne room’s chambers
creating a musical cacophony
of riotous warfare
in the heavens

The Father smiles
as He receives the heart’s offerings
The Son dances with fervor
sweat dripping like blood
mingling with the scents and swords
The Spirit adds her heavenly aroma,
power, strength and majestic music
to the tender thunder
of human voices

heaven is moved
as power gathers, swirls, unites
favor multiplies
love overflows
descending earthward
a grace filled cascade
careening downward
enveloping his beloved
transforming their world
with heaven’s response

Our life at present

2009-03-01T15:26:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, we got to hear Shaman share what He felt the CEO was up to these days. It was very enriching and thought provoking. The best part for me was his depiction of transformation into Christlikeness and that this will do away with performance because our goal is not to become better people, but to have the mind of Christ and love others. I have a tendency to be performance oriented, so it was good to have this perspective change.

I also realized that during this desert time of our lives, I have become lazy, complacent and spiritually pouty. I have been disciplined and as things have been broken off of me, I have been like a child sitting in time out with my arms crossed saying "fine, if you don't like how I've done things, I just won't do anything". Instead of loving the CEO with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and allowing His presence to give me a new heart and manner.

I'm ready for a new day, a new me, a new communion with the Lover and new assignment.

On another note, the kids and I have been doing projects and making pages inspired from our reading through the book of Mark. I made them each a 3 ring binder to put the different things we make into, as our walls are rapidly filling up with art creations. The gospel of Mark is great to read with kids since it is to the point and a book of action. By putting their pages into the binder, we will eventually have pictoral reminders from the entire book and will thus be able to "read" the book together from what we have created.

baby power

2009-02-15T17:26:00.002-06:00

I'm so in love with our new baby! What is it about babies that make you just want to hold them and stare at them all day long? She loves to look at me and me at her. The kids and Agent B are just as taken by her. I keep looking at her and wonder what she is thinking- since she does not have language yet, is it just feelings of love, peace, contentment, discontent... that wash over her? Awe at the colors, textures, new sights, sounds, smells...?

The CEO is so cool to think this all up. And each time I have a baby, I am in awe that the Lover came in this form. So helpless, so dependent, so small and incapable- but already totally changing the world by his very existence and putting Joseph and Mary's lives in upheaval as a baby has ours, yet alone God in baby form! Can you imagine how nervous they were? All of history hinged on this little baby's growing up, surviving death threats, the weather, sickness, jealous siblings and critical tongues...

repentance

2009-02-13T15:52:00.002-06:00

It's been an interesting time in our home spiritually since we brought home our new baby daughter. The dynamics have definitely changed and not all good. We've found ourselves getting so short tempered and yelling a lot at the older kids, who seem to have increased their energy and mischieviousness tenfold since the birth. Most of it is AO#1, since #2 mostly just follows his lead.

Lately AO#1 has been deciding that he wants to be baptized. In our growing up, that was the pinnacle of conversion, but it wasn't really allowed or favored until you were a teenager. As a kid, this frustrated me. I wanted to be baptized at about age 5, but my parents wouldn't let me saying I was too young and didn't understand. The result was that I was like Pharoah- hardening my heart, so that when I did get older and they started to bring it up, I resisted. We heard a speaker question this CoC and baptist practice of not allowing children to be baptized when they asked. She spoke of how the child is under law (like the old covenant)- obey or be punished, but that once conversion occurs, the Holy Spirit is there more personally in the child's life and that you can work better together as parent and child towards peace, harmony and righteousness. That made a lot of sense to me. Why would I only really know the Lover as I'm a few years from adulthood, about to leave home, when we could have been growing together so much more in tune since I was much younger?

So we have been listening attentively and asking the Lover for discernment. We have prayed through the years that AO#1 would give his life to the Lover at an early age and never lose his childlike faith, but become a mature adult with the faith of a child, growing in wisdom and stature and favor with God and man. Now what we are seeing is the battle. He is acting more and more in his flesh even as he feels the pull to give his life and heart to the Lover. (The thing holding him back right now is that he is scared to go under the water- we told him that when it is time, the Lover will give him courage to go under the water). Last night he told me "Jesus told me to get baptized". When I asked about the water, he said he wasn't ready tonight. So I think this inner battle is a part of the acting out going on. Of course part of it is also likely wanting attention as the baby needs lots of time and effort too.

We also take communion together as a family and AO#1 has been asking for several days to take it together. So this morning, we confessed together our wrongdoing of yelling and getting frustrated and asked the Lover for His peace over all of us and for Him to direct our paths, hearts, individually and as a family. It was a good time of repentance and grace, of sharing in the cross.

Orphelia the mother!

2009-02-11T20:02:00.002-06:00

Orphelia and her husband are only part way through the foster care course and a couple of amazing things happened. First they were chosen by another birth mom to adopt a baby- and they turned it down! This is major, but they now felt comfortable and lead to do foster care and adopt through that, so they saw that a better plan was out there for them. Then a coworker found out about a little boy who was about to be taken into CPS care unless someone volunteered to foster him. So Orphelia and her husband just took in this little 16 month boy. They will have him for 4 months while the mother does classes and depending on how that goes, he may be return to his birth mom or be up for adoption.

It has been an amazing about face, but healing in a lot of ways to be able to say farewell to the dream they thought they were grasping hold of and allowing the CEO to move in their hearts and have them open their home to this little boy in need- for now or possibly for the rest of their lives. The end of this saga remains to be seen, but for now there are the joys, laughter, fullness, tears, struggles and victories of parenting in this couple's lives.

I haven't met the little guy yet, but will get to this weekend. Thank you Lover for a wondrous valentine's day gift of love!

Isaiah prayers and worship

2009-01-31T00:41:00.003-06:00

You may remember me asking for your prayers for my friend's son who had menningitis. This little boy is only 2 1/2 years old and in the last 8 months has faced deadly disease/complications no less than 3 times. He is once again in a precarious situation. Due to the menningitis, he has a cochlear implant in one ear and hearing aid in the other. He also had tubes in his ears. He grew out of his tubes and the doctor had him scheduled to get new ones in. Within a day or so he must have gotten something because before a week had passed, one of his eardrums burst (the one with the cochlear). He was already on antibiotics due to some fevers he was having, so now they have him on the highest dose of antibiotics hoping that he won't get an infection- the fear of another menningitis attack lingers, plus the hole goes straight to his brain and to the cochlear implant, both of which do not need to get infected! He is in pain and so he's also on pain medication. He, his mom and dad are exhausted. They also have a 8 month old baby. It is a very stressful situation and they have to wait until the hole scabs over before surgery can be performed, which can take 2 weeks. Please pray for their strength, health and for healing for Isaiah. The Lover has rescued him over and over from the brink of death, from brain damage and further hearing loss. Now is the time to make war with the principalities for this little child and his family.

My friend is not sure why all this is happening to her little boy, but they are standing firm in their love for the Lord and teaching their son to praise through his trials. At one point, when there was nothing else they could do, they turned on praise music and sang to the Lover saying they loved him and would follow him no matter what. My friend said her son was there, with his arms raised, singing his love to Jesus while blood oozed out of his ear. She said that she doesn't know what he is destined for, what all he will face in his lifetime, but that maybe they are to teach him to keep turning to the Lover through it all and to draw strength from the Great Healer.

The CEO covered our butts again

2009-01-19T19:22:00.003-06:00

We are inducing labor to have our 3rd baby tomorrow. She's past her due date and we're ready to have her. Since we have 2 others, I had all sorts of elaborate plans for a sitter for them- a night sitter, weekend possibilities, daytime sitter... Today before my doctor appointment, my day sitter Tighe, called to say that her son Isaiah is sick (be praying for him, he is the one who has had 2 bouts of menningitis- that's not what he has now, but it would just be better if he gets over this quickly). I was trying to think of someone to take care of our kids and remembered another secret agent who has Tues. off. I called her and bless her boots off, she is sacrificing her day, coming over early in the morning and canceling her plans to take care of my kids so that I can have Agent B and my mom with me for the birth ;) The kingdom rocks and the CEO is awesome for providing for all our needs. In fact, this plan is better than our first one, because we won't have to get the kids up early and take them somewhere and we don't have to be in a rush trying to get agent B from work and car seats and kids to a sitter and us to the hospital. The thing is that I'm nearly dilated to a 5 and have quick labors, so if my water broke and we had to get everyone somewhere, it could have gotten really crazy and rushed. As it is, the Doc. should just be able to just break my water since that is how it went with AO#2 and I'm already so advanced to have her.

Thank you for your prayers in advance for a safe, healthy and uncomplicated delivery and for baby and me to come out healthy and for us all to adjust well to adding a new precious agent to our team. We are looking forward to all the ways we will get to know the CEO's love more through her and see His kingdom advance by His Spirit at work within her.

Happy Birthday agent B!

2009-01-15T01:20:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful for this man in my life. He really is a gift from the CEO.

I wasn't boy crazy growing up and never dated through high school, but at some point knew that I wanted a husband, so I prayed for one and prayed specifically. Since I am tall, I asked for someone my height or taller. Since I always thought my dad and siblings had far more interesting coloring than I did (I have brown hair, eyes and skin), I asked that my husband would look more multi-colored like them in physical appearance and I asked that the CEO would give me someone who would be a strong Christian- like a preacher or elder or someone of that spiritual depth and maturity.

Agent B is exactly my height (we've measured), his coloring is more similar to my dad's than my own brother's is and he is the strong Christ follower that I asked for, but never imagined.

Being very religious and performance, type A personality that our society and the institutional church loves, I imagined the same in a husband. Agent B is none of those. If anything he is the opposite. This baffled me some and at times still causes friction. Performance christianity and status quo are comfortable, easy and falsely satisfying. I fed on it for many years, but agent B has introduced me to realness, humility, real relationships, listening to others and loving more than my reflection or religiosity.

Where I and so many other church members saw the performing religious man as being the strong Christian, the CEO sees the heart. Where I studied missions and then went into ministry with all my religious garb (that I was taught to ditch), Agent B lived it naturally. I created bible groups called "friends", while Agent B was a friend. I scheduled people in, while he hung out. I most often have an agenda, while he most often has love.

I'm so glad the CEO is smarter than I am and gave me the desires of my heart, even though I didn't really know who that was. I'm so glad I obeyed and married someone I hardly knew because the CEO said to, even though I had an inkling this man did not fit my preconceived notion of a "strong Christian" as we entered our very short engagement and planned our lives together. I'm so glad that agent B has been patient with me, understanding and a sharpening agent in my spiritual life. He has and is helping me to become real, transparent and truly love the CEO, His ways and those He puts in our lives instead of the appearance of religiosity, performance and the cheap thrills that commercialized club members have found so appealing and (falsely) fulfilling. We read blogs and are being exposed to ideas that are "revolutionary" in Christian living and at each point, I have two reactions- the Lover within me cries out- "yes!!! this is true kingdom life" and the other part is "this is the agent life".

I also love how agent B and I are enjoying growing older. I know it sounds weird in our youth centered society, but we are finding great delight in growing in experience and maturity and building up a wealth of memories and relationships together. It's really pretty awesome!

Happy Birthday Agent B! from your greatest fans-- agent wife and kids

May our adventure continue with the grace, direction and love of the CEO. May He bless your socks off this year and bring us into greater depth in Him and in all that He has for us.

Orphelia update

2009-01-12T22:13:00.002-06:00

I wanted to post and thank you for your prayers for Orphelia. I haven't seen her, but have been getting updates from our common friend. The CEO has done amazing things for Orphelia and her husband, in their lives and hearts. First, she called our friend to tell her that while she had said she hated God, she knew that was not true and that when she and her husband returned home, they would come back stronger than before.

My friend had asked for people to bless the couple and many did extravagantly. Orphelia called my friend on her way home and when they entered the house, they were met with a gorgeous floral display, cards in abundance, money (a very large sum)- they have not had work all the time they've been away at her sister's, all the counters full of pantry items, a fresh meal waiting for them that night and one promised for the next night and perishables replenished in the fridge. It was truly the kingdom as various people had all come together and brought what they felt led to bring- with everything being taken care of. Orphelia and her husband immediately went to our friend and thanked her. They had been really depressed driving back and were getting down about there being no food and the house being empty... and instead, Orphelia said their home was filled with the love of God.

Orphelia and her husband are not rich. She has a condition that makes it hard for her to do regular work and does photography as she can. His job does not pay stellar, so adopting was really a huge act of faith on their part and while they didn't have the funds, they were doing everything they could to make their dream come true. That said, it did not work out with this baby that they were promised. Their financial loan fell through the week she was delivered, then the mom took her back. Meanwhile, our friend knows lots of foster moms with intentions to adopt and has been told how the needs are so great and that they can receive financial help as they take care of the child. My friend felt in her heart that this would be a perfect solution for Orphelia and her husband, but that it wasn't time to share about the group of foster moms and their babies that meet regularly, until today. Orphelia called my friend telling her that she and her husband were signing up for the program, would do the 8 week course and plan to adopt through the foster system!!! She said that the reason she hadn't wanted to before was because she didn't know if she could handle it if someone took back a baby they had loved, cared for and wanted as their own, but that now she knows she could handle it!!! The CEO is so awesome. There is still a lot of hurt, but so much hope and more than likely a much better plan for his faithful followers!!

My little worship leader

2009-01-09T00:09:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, AO#1 lead me in worship several times without him knowing it or making a big religious production- just in the simple beauty of a 4 year old who is so free and natural to love.

At breakfast, out of the blue, he just said "God, I love you". Then went on to eat his cereal. I was surprised by this sudden statement and just sat soaking it in and echoing it in my heart.

Then at night time, when I sing a special song over each of my kids, he said that he wanted to sing me a song, but he said he didn't know how it went. I started to sing our "visitor's song" and he said, "no, not that one, I want to sing my song over you". The songs I sing are based on words spoken over my children when they were dedicated as babies, so they are filled with dreams, faith, love and the CEO's promises. I sang it again, but this time thinking of it as my song and it was so amazing. Sometimes it is so easy to speak the Lover's promises over others, but hard to appropriate them as our own. It really blessed me tremendously and helped me see myself as a child before the Father, just like my son, who is being rained down upon with the boundless love of heaven.

Then, AO#1 said he wanted to sing a song to Jesus and made up the most gorgeous song that I'm sure I'll never hear again this side of heaven. I hope the Lover "recorded" it, because I'd love to hear it again some day. AO#1 was singing his love for Jesus and the Holy Spirit, saying they are in his heart and how wonderful they are. It was such an incredible moment.

Now, before you think our day is filled with such amazing instances, I have to tell you the rest of AO#1's day was that of a typical 4 year old, including defiance, tears, fights and all the rest- which is also lovely about the kingdom. Just like we take our children in all their glory and horror, so does the lover take us with all the beauty we can offer him, forgetting and cleansing us of the rest.

Something good

2009-01-08T00:02:00.002-06:00

The kids and I made books and did activities based on 1 Cor.13 this last year. I never noticed how much this "love" chapter is based on what NOT to do. I had to try to be creative to find pictures depicting the right way to love. On the page- love does not delight in evil- we glued a cartoon character who looked very mischievious. When explaining it to the kids I told them that the man is saying "I'm going to do something bad" and that we should be like that. Well, being toddlers, the kids took this page on as their motto and invented an "I'm going to do something bad" song, that they loved to sing, much to my horror.

AO#1 was singing it the other day, when we took out our books and were looking at them. I told him (again) that we don't want to do bad, but good and suggested he change his song to "I'm going to do something good" (and added verses like- "go away yucky spirit, I don't want to do something bad, I want to do something good"). Well, it worked!! AO#1 started singing for the yucky spirit to go away, sang that he was going to do something good, then ran to his room and got a teddy bear to give to his sister singing all the while "I'm going to do something good, I'm going to be generous". It's so amazing when they get it and find joy in allowing the Lover to move through them.

Prayers needed

2009-01-03T10:02:00.002-06:00

I am writing to ask for prayers for my friend that we will call Orphelia. She has suffered so much pain in her life and is only 28 years old. She loves the CEO, but has suffered another deadly blow in her life and is really struggling and hating the creator right now. She has lost many babies in her short life. The first was a pregnancy cut too short at 7 months, when she lost her first daughter. At that time, she went through a depression and many other devastating life blows, where she was left all alone and ended up in the hospital on her death bed. When in her deepest pain (she was on dialasis and undergoing chemotherapy and some kind of painful injections into her brain- crying out in pain) when she received a vision of the Lover at the foot of her bed weeping with her. She was diagnosed with Lupus and miraculously recovered from near death. She and her husband have wanted a child so badly, but with two more miscarriages, they determined that they should adopt. The day after Christmas a miracle occurred. They were with the birth parents who had chosen them to adopt their precious baby. Orphelia's husband Bobby cut the umbilical cord, the took the baby to the place where they were staying the night and all seemed to have been redeemed for this couple who have suffered so much loss. The next day, they went in to sign the final paperwork, but the notary had not arrived, so the birth mother told them to take the baby and head home, that it would be finalized once the notary arrived. The newly parented couple had never been happier. They were introducing their baby to the grandparents and on their way home to start their new life when they got a call that the birth parents had changed their minds and wanted the baby back.

Understandably, the couple is in deep mourning and distress. The adoption had been going seamlessly until that crucial moment- even supernaturally well. The case worker kept saying that nothing goes this easily and flawlessly and now their long journey has come to a horrid point once again. Please pray for their faith, their marriage, hope and that the CEO would resurrect their dreams and help them to live again in victory. Thank you for your prayers.

Hope in the desert

2008-12-27T16:22:00.002-06:00

We have noticed for quite a while that the CEO has had us in a kind of a desert. It has been a time of questioning and re-evaluating, of being separated, discarding things that have enslaved us and looking toward a new land or purpose. We do not know fully where we are headed, but have sensed the CEO's presence throughout and know that He is leading us and wooing us to Him as our hope and all.

In the spring, my mother asked me to paint for her a picture of a scene from Jamaica. I was surprised when I saw the picture. She was bursting with excitement over it and all I could see was a dead looking tree. I've been to Jamaica and know that it is full of exotic beauty, so why had she chosen this scene. I asked her why it had meaning to her and there were many depths of appeal for her, but some of it was the lilies with red stripes that only bloom at Easter- like it was a sign of Jesus' death and resurrection. She mentioned the mystery of the fog and the massive tree with fungus like plants growing from it. I then asked my aunt (the tree is in her yard) for the names of the tree and plants so that I could more accurately paint it. She told me that the tree looses all it's leaves right before it produces a huge crop of plum fruits. I was soon seeing that the CEO was speaking to my heart about the desert and the resurrection. Can you imagine those days when the Lover lay in the tomb and all hope was gone? The disciples had a thick fog over their understanding, just as we do as we go through the desert periods of our lives, not knowing what is going on, everything looks bleak, and yet, AND YET- the greatest period of fruitfulness, worldwide transformation was on the brink of occurring. The tree, the body of Christ seemed to be void of life, but there were hints, all of creation pointed to the fact that He was not completely dead. A great pulsing and activity was occurring in the heavenly realms, shielded from human eyes, but detectable to those who see by faith... the resurrection was yet to come and life would burst forth.

I wrote a poem to go along with the picture. Here they are:

Blind Sleep of Death

Apparently dead
To the innocent ignorants
Desperate tears
Drench the earth
The greatest of hopes
Buried deep
Under ground.

Falling
Like dry crumpled leaves
A thick fog
Envelops the mourners
Just like the heavy
Sadness that threatens
To suffocate them.

“Don’t give up”, says the blind man.
“Wait”.

Wild, uncultured
Reaching, fungal plants
Feast on the stagnant
Naked corps
A mockery to the greatness
Of an unquenchable life
Lying too still.

“Deceptively quiet”, says the blind man.

A sweet melodic fragrance
Rises up
Out of the mire
Swaying in a gentle breeze
Trumpeting the first hints
Of victory
While the mighty King lays dead.

“The kingdom advances”, says the blind man.

Blood and water
Poured out death
Drink deeply
Feast and live
Crimson red rivers
Streak the white burial shrouds
Delicate goblets of milk and wine.

“It is finished”, says the blind man.
“Wipe your tears”.

Pulsing, dripping, bursting
From the naked branches
Reaching high into the heavens
Big stretch, yawn
Ripe with life
Luscious fruit cascading through
The apparently dead laughing man.

Hog plum
Hog plum
Mombin death
Wild pine
Milk and wine
Bougainvillea

BREATH!

global village

2008-12-23T00:22:00.001-06:00

We are being stretched and challenged by many posts, videos, thoughts… concerning the global village, consumerism, our impact on the world by our purchasing choices and affluent lifestyles in North America. It is sickening that resources are robbed, nations impoverished and people mistreated so that I can live an easier, more comfortable, faster and luxurious life. I don’t know what all the solutions are, but something must be done, anything and everything to correct this grave imbalance. Ezekiel 34 seems to be speaking directly to us today concerning the greed and wastefulness in our fattened “Christian” nation that continues to demand for more and more goods at the expense of others.

“Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?” Ez. 34:18-19

Forgive us Lord and show us the way to bring your love, life, healing and resources to those in need.

Big Buddy/ AKA Obiwan

2008-12-18T17:18:00.002-06:00

We got to visit our neighbor and friend in the hospital today after his second leg amputation. He had the other over a year ago I guess. This one doesn't seem to have taken quite as well it seems as he has had to receive blood, but his spirits are still up. He says he gets a visitor whenever the pain gets really bad and he needs someone to talk to, so that is amazing that the lover sends someone over just as he needs a friend. Today he was teasing the nurses as usual. They were trying to make his bed more comfortable as it keeps bunching all up on him and he told one of the nurses that his foot was on the floor. Of course he doesn't have any feet anymore, but she quickly tried to shift around his stump until she saw that he was laughing. The kids colored him a card while we visited and he said how he wished he had some colors up there to mess around with- well what do you think is wrapped under our tree for him? The CEO is so cool at times it just blows my mind.

He gave me a couple of dreams last night too, reassuring me about our walk in life outside of church walls and another about a big Christmas gift issue for the kids. I had barely realized that I was stressing about these and hadn't prayed really for direction, but when I awoke this morning, I saw that He was showing me truths about these situations, direction and assurance so that I would have peace. Who am I that He would go through all this effort to calm my heart when I hadn't even asked Him to? So generous, so merciful, so gracious and loving... that He is.

the CEO's economy

2008-12-17T08:53:00.002-06:00

Agent B was mocking me saying that I am nesting. Maybe so. I thought that I'd have all sorts of time to get ready for our 3rd baby once I had stopped keeping the extra boys I watched for the last 11 months, but then I suddenly realized it's Christmastime and my parents are coming and we are about to have a baby... Plus, I've felt like the CEO has had us on a bit of a hiatus with regards to reaching out to the marginalized, who I am thankful to say, in our small circle of a few families are no longer needy, needy of us, but more and more like friends, just calling from time to time to say hello and update us on what is going on in their lives. However, this morning I have something very awesome to report.

So, I haven't had much time to dwell on this pregnancy. We've already had two, so I wasn't really concerned about having stuff and I've been too busy to really prepare. A little while ago, a friend asked me if I needed anything. She had her daughter not quite a year ago and was wondering if I needed anything or wanted to use her clothes. I said that I had saved "unisex" clothes, but not any of our daughter's things and so was a little sad not to have girl clothes for this baby. She said "I've got you covered, I'll pass on all my totally cute girl clothes to you." She brought me her 0-3month clothes and last night I was going through them. They are so precious and beautiful and plentiful. Then I went to my "unisex" boxes, which I had thought were plenty and was shocked to realize that we only had a few days of clothes for the baby at each stage.

You see, I had saved our son's clothes over a year, knowing we wanted more children. But when we found out our second was a girl and that Princess' sister was having a boy, we felt it was time to get the "river" flowing again. All our boy clothes had been given to us. In fact, to this day, we have bought only some night time t-shirts and socks for him and he's 4 years old. The same with my daughter. We haven't bought her any clothes. People have always just given us clothes and family have made or bought them new clothes too. We felt that the clothes needed to be shared. Who were we to keep them when they had all been given to us in the first place? (I'm not saying everyone has to do this, but for us, that is what we felt). Plus, who knows if we'll have a boy again?

When we had our daughter, Princess' sister had a girl too, so we just did the same passing it on. I felt like the CEO said that he would always provide and not to hold on to it all. I was nearly in tears last night when I saw that He had fulfilled His promise. I really had thought we had a bunch of clothes. I remember feeling overwhelmed with all the clothes my daughter had and here we opened up the boxes to find we had given it ALL away! Then the wisdom of the CEO hit me. My daughter was born in the summer and this baby is coming in Jan., which means that the clothes would have all been the wrong season if I had kept them. The unisex stuff is all the right season somehow and the baby we were handing clothes down to, eventually grew too big to be getting our hand-me-downs. This means that at about 18months, when my friend's daughter will be wearing her clothes longer and may not be able to pass them to us in time and when the seasons will no longer matter, we will have our own girl clothes to use again.

I didn't even realize that we were down to crunch time with the baby's arrival and that she would have been near naked if the CEO hadn't already taken care of the situation- AS HE HAD SAID- all that time ago. Give and you will receive and your joy will be complete. His way is better. Our old clothes would not have worked, but these are the perfect ones and the perfect timing and in the giving and receiving, we know both the Lord's provision and a friend's love. The kingdom is so awesome!!!

My toddler teacher

2008-12-07T22:46:00.003-06:00

For the last three weeks, the kids and I have talked about and done activities based on the three persons of the Trinity. Last week was the Holy Spirit, who I think is the least talked about of the three, the least understood, the least sought after and the most critical in our day and age. Jesus said to let him go because he was going to send the Holy Spirit who would instruct each of us. I think the Holy Spirit is intimidating to us, at least He is to me, because I don't like to die to myself and too often I am not praying His will be done and let me know you more, but what is He going to ask of me? Will I fail? Can I do it? I don't like dying to myself... And yet that is the essence of living, it is in the dying and giving.

We can't spend much on Christmas gifts, but we try to give something small to family and friends, something homemade maybe or meaningful to show our love. We also try to encourage the kids to be generous. I was thinking we should give something to the kids I have kept for the last year and asked AO#1 and #2 if they wanted to give something. AO#1 said he wanted to give the older boy his grabber. I couldn't believe it. He just got this for Christmas, from his nanna no less and it's his favorite gift. The boys fought over it just last week. I kept asking him, are you sure you want to give that? You can't take it back once you give it. It won't be yours anymore... I even got a small item from the dollar store as an alternate gift (which was most likely my flesh, because I am not the best giver and have a hard time giving things away). As I wrapped up the gifts, AO#1 added a stuffed animal of his (again one of his favorites), then went around the house looking for things to give to his friends. He brought me the grabber and told me he wanted to add it to the gift. I asked agent B what he thought (still being stingy) and agent B said he did not want to discourage generosity. Then he asked AO#1 why he chose that toy and the 4 year old's reply was that the Holy Spirit told him to give it. He gave his best, his favorite and is jumping for joy, so excited for his friend to make the great discovery of such a great gift. That's the kingdom and that's why the Lord said it belongs to the children. Even as I struggled with my flesh, I heard the Lord say to me: "would you keep your son from loving me like this?" Pure worship, pure love. I want more of that.

at home with each other

2008-11-23T09:52:00.002-06:00

Last weekend, Agent B had a gig, so the kids and I headed over to Big Buddy's. It was one of the most incredible times with him ever. There was nothing spectacular. The tv was blaring, but at least nothing horrid was playing this time. A0#1 watched some of the football game while we visited and played. AO#2 was more interested in her 91 year old, wheelchair bound friend. She loves to keep him involved. He has a bell she likes to ring, but after she rings it, she always brings it to him to ring. We often bring toys. If she brought a doll, she wants him to hold it, which is comical because he is visibly uncomfortable with a doll, but holds it anyways in an effort to please her.

This visit, we had brought hockey sticks and a ball. At one point, AO#2 gave Big Buddy a hockey stick and sat on the floor gently rolling the ball to him so that he could hit it back to her. Their obvious love and joy at this simple game was enthralling. Then he got a magnetic pad and pen and tried to give her writing and drawing lessons. His hands are horribly clenched with arthritis, but he diligently drew stick figures and shapes, numbers and letters for her to copy. Being 2 years old, all she made were circles and doodles, but it was so beautiful to watch him offering her his knowlege and experience, through his obvious difficulties to share with a moment in time with her.

I've often thought that he gets better physical therapy and interaction through the kids than through anything else. Children and the elderly were meant to interact. There is something deeply spiritual about both of their existences. I had never felt so at home, at peace and content as in that moment. It was as if heaven had opened up and given us a taste of true love. I guess that's why it says the kingdom of heaven belongs to children. Somehow they have a way of opening up another place to us, a better place.

Little praises

2008-11-22T20:32:00.001-06:00

Mbamie finally passed her driver's test! It was a monumental task for her to get through the learners and the driver's has been just as hard, but she finally did it. Now there is a possibility for her to get an easier and better paying job once offered to her on the local air force base. She has done so well to persist with this and I'm proud for her accomplishing this. Even her husband doesn't have a license. She is a very smart woman, but being practically illiterate even in her own language makes life so tremendously difficult. It is a real disability, that has nothing to do with intelligence, but life circumstances can just lead to issues like this. She for one has never been to school. Hard to believe coming from this side of the planet since she is only in her mid-twenties.

Also, Meshell's son made the A-B honor role. This is so awesome as he has a ton of obstacles as one living in poverty to overcome so that he can excel in a classroom environment.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't usually do this, but I have stumbled across a couple of amazing movies at the library. They have opened the world to us and so I wanted to share our discoveries.

China Cry is based on the true story of a woman who grew up in China, and had a privileged life until communism came. She came to faith more through harrassment by the government than through the Christian private school she attended. She goes to an underground church that agent B said " now that kind of church, I could get into". It is a moving tale of the persecution she endured as well as the graciousness, power and provision of the CEO in her life.

Water is a heartbreaking tale exposing the treatment of widows in India during the time of Ghandi. The main character is an 8 year old widow how is sent to live with other widows- as according to their religious beliefs. It powerfully shows the need for love, care and justice above religious tradition.

10 years completed

2008-11-21T19:55:00.002-06:00

I came here 10 years ago to study missions and pursue a relationship that seemed to have been orchestrated by the CEO of the universe some years earlier. I had my plan- 2 years of school, some money already being raised for me to head to French West Africa. I had some very close friends who were interested in going where I was interested in. It seemed perfectly set, until the CEO told me to marry the man he'd brought into my life (agent B), who was not at all interested in going to Africa to do missions. I felt like the CEO was calling me to take the biggest leap of faith of my life (really agent B and I hardly knew each other and had no similar interests, except the CEO, totally different plans... we would have failed every pre-marriage compatability test I'm sure). I had felt the Orchestrator taking me to the story of Abraham since B and I first got back into communication. He was saying- "will you give up the dream/the promise in obedience to me?".

So we wed. I gave up foreign missions and my friends headed off without me. At the time, I had a small incling that my match with my good friends in ministry would have been disastrous as the Lord was leading B and I into things of the Holy Spirit that the team was not comfortable with. Within the first year of marriage, I knew that the CEO had fashioned B and I to be incredible life partners and He also lead both of us into local ministry we loved with the Izzy group.

About 5 years ago, life for the Izzy ministry started a dramatic change and since that time, Agent B and I have found ourselves in a ministerial/spiritual/social desert of sorts. It has been a time of stretching, growing and seeking out the CEO and questioning.

About a month ago, I was contacted by someone very excited about heading to Africa, to the place where I was going to go. Unbeknownst to them, they opened up inner turmoil in me as I watched a video of my friend's ministry flourishing all the while we sit here going- what the heck are we doing in the fair mother city? They had changed lives, started fellowships of believers, shared with those who had never known the love of the creator and that would have been my life. It was weird seeing it all, but the CEO was at work again, to reassure me of the path I've been on.

We came into contact with another missionary friend who has been in China, trying to get into North Korea. She is in the US now, struggling to find support, going through her own desert experience and being stretched. She commented how missionaries in China set up their little US haven home on foreign soil and didn't really live like the locals- which we both believe in and she is contemplating doing here in a US inner city.

Short weeks after that visit, my friends from Africa came through town on furlough. I was excited to see them and am sincerely happy for what the CEO has done through them. But the CEO was so wise and gracious in this meeting. I discovered that like the missionaries in China, they had a lifestyle so unlike the Africans (which is a "normal" missionary practice). But it also dawned on me that they had a very privileged life according to US standards too- house help for example. I can not criticize the team because I'm not sure that I would have done differently, but I was overcome with a peaceful knowlege that this was not the life for me.

The CEO has given me a great husband and family. We have had meaningful experiences and relationships in the Fair Mother City. The CEO has led us all along and then He was so merciful in giving me closure about this jaunt in my life. The Africa dream was not of Him for me. He had a different path for me and I am glad for it. I still feel like there is a purpose that we have yet to accomplish for Him, but I have closure on what I came here to do. I had the text book education and both Agent B and I learned in the trenches. This home has been a good place for us, learning about people in poverty, the culture, the friendships, love and lessons experienced. To beat all, the CEO has been gracious in giving us family and dear friends through it all and He has not been eroneous in directing us.

I had been apprehensive about coming face to face with my past, but the CEO was so gracious to shine a light and show me not to fear, but to know that He has led the way. This gives me confidence for the future, knowing that each day, month or year may not seem clear, but that He is faithful as we seek Him to take us where and to whom we need to be- to Him be the glory.

HALLOW-een

2008-11-02T23:22:00.002-06:00

Our kids are ages 4 and 2 and they went bezerk over the joy of halloween. They liked the candy of course, but more than that was the dressing up and the sense of a city-wide party. I know that a lot of Christians object to the holiday and a friend told me they didn't let their kids participate because it is not Christian. When I heard that it made me sad, because I found so many ways that the CEO spoke to us through it. I am so thankful first of all to the Spirit for even giving me inspiring ideas, because He is the one who helps me guide our children to ways of truly living. Our family's philosophy is to be "in the world, but not of it" and the sad thing is that many Christians do not realize that most modern day "christian" traditions are rooted in the pagan Greek realm of dealings in a court setting (see Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola). So if we are going to protest pagan roots, the first place we need to start looking is at our own church organizations and evaluate them first. But I am not here to condemn how others may feel about it. We are all different and that is part of the beauty of the body of Christ. But we did glean a ton this year by going out and joining in the fun.

First of all, we got to meet a new neighbor who had moved in on our street. Then there is the sharing. Kids were giving my young children their own candy before we had left our own sidewalk. My kids were also excited to give, share and meet others- but were indeed frightened by the "scary people in costumes". They kept asking me at each house if they were "good guys". And AO#2 kept saying "he looks different". Thus we were able to have a great talk about being kind and not frightened of people who are different from us, who look or talk different- that the inside is what counts. The person may have looked aweful, but he was generous, giving and kind- which is more important than looks. We also talked about spirits and the Holy Spirit as well as death and how we don't have to fear that either. It is one of the few times that people open their doors and at least say "hi" and share something with a perfect stranger. Yeah, I'm not crazy about all the gore and horror of it, but there are kids in the world who see much worse than a costume, they are living in the horrors of war and real injuries, real terror, real death and it's important not to shy away from the ugliness, but to teach our children to be courageous, loving, accepting of others who are different and giving.

I think many times followers of the Lover shy away from the world because of differences, but so often these differences can lead us smack dab into the heart of the gospel, into spiritual matters, open communication, discovery and reality.

chance happenstances

2008-10-26T10:53:00.003-06:00

I had a huge longing to know how Princess was doing, but didn't feel like I should try to contact her, that it's important that if there is a move to be back in relationship, that it would come from her. I knew her birthday was coming up and wondered about her and her aunt. I had a car full of kids and an errand to do- I had planned to make lasagna and was out of noodles! So I hauled them in the store and went down the only aisle I needed and there she was! Princess and her family picking out pasta. My heart soared to see her and I gave her a hug and asked her how she was and how her aunt was. She said she was "busy" looking for a job (it's been a 9 month search so far) and that her aunt is better. I was just so thankful to see her. I wish there was more victory in her life and pray that there will be a day when she walks in the life of the Lover. I was so thankful for this "chance happenstance" just to see her and for my heart to be somewhat at ease.

Grandma Nelly and I took the kids to see our friend at a nursing home North of here and it was a good thing we went that day too, since we found out she had been in the hospital. We've told them to inform us if she is put in the hospital so that we can go out to see her, but her nursing home never does. She has no family and gets really upset being in the hospital. We were glad by another "chance happenstance", we ran into her social worker while there. The woman really seemed to care for our friend and offer her love and real attentive care to her.

I was proud of Meshell the other weekend. We had invited her and her son to AO#1's party and that day she called me for a ride, as I had expected. I told her that she needed to walk. It is a good little hike, but I've done it numerous times with small kids in strollers or wagons and the weather is not a discouragement here. Plus I know that she has walked to the convenience store not too far from us and we were just swamped with all the preparations. I was fully expecting that she wouldn't come, but they did! Sometimes it's hard to know when to help and when to just spurr her on to be independent.

prayers and visions

2008-10-13T21:20:00.003-06:00

Agent B prayed for rain as we thanked the Lover for supper and before we had were done eating a luscious rain was falling. We thanked the Lover again. All this means a lot to a child. We were reading a new book to AO#1 in which a boy was given several dinosaurs as pets. AO#1 wanted to have a baby dinosaur like in the story and proceeded to ask the CEO for one. I told him he couldn't have a baby dinosaur, that they don't live anymore, but he prayed all the louder. So, I started praying right along with him. As he said "Lord, PLEASE give me a baby dinosaur", I prayed "Lord, PLEASE don't give us a baby dinosaur". We tried to outshout and pray each other until it all ended in laughter. Since AO#1 can't type, I have one up on him- "please CEO, no dinosaurs, just one healthy daughter come Jan. please."

It has been a bit nerve racking since I was with Mbamie when she lost her baby, and my sister has lost a child and I've heard of dozens of others. I try not to get fearful, but this baby does not kick much or real strong and I'm so busy sometimes that I often wonder if she's kicked that day or enough, or how she is... The other day I was anxious about it and not at peace and impatient with my family, so I finally said to them "come pray over my belly, so that the baby will be ok and that I will have peace about her". No sooner had they stopped praying, the baby was giving me some good kicks and the Holy Spirit was telling me to just chill and lay my burdens on his lap. Why do we live with fears instead of just sharing them from the get go? I hope I learned my lesson. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help.

Mbamie is doing much better. She still has some physical pain, but all the symptoms are getting less severe. Her emotions are up and down, as can be expected. But the smile is creeping back into her voice. Thank you CEO.

Meshell and I have been seeing each other a lot more. I take the kids to library reading time and pick her up on the way. Being a friend to her has it's times of frustration. Taking her somewhere is inevitably a way more complex thing than it seems at first, but the library is not so hard and she really enjoys getting materials for her, her son and her mom. Reading can open up so many worlds, so I'm excited for her too.

AO#1 has been drawing close to the Lover in many ways, so that has been exciting. He has told me that the Lover has told him He loves him, that he's precious and cute. This morning in the dark, as we sought out the Father, AO#1 kept exclaiming that he saw fruit on the tree in the front yard. The tree has been a lesson for us in many ways. When we moved here, a dying mesquite loomed large in the same place. It didn't provide shade, except from the massive trunk and when it started to drop branches over the driveway and sidewalk, we new it was time to cut it down. We have planted no less than 10 trees in our yard (no it's not that big, but the trees all died except a peach tree, that gave us delicious fruit for the first time this year). Then one day a tree came up all on it's own. It grew faster and stronger than the "fast growing shade tree" we planted 10 feet from it (and died a couple of years later). It is a fruitless mulberry tree, but AO#1 "saw" it with fruit on it. The amazing thing is that Agent B has been praying for fruit this entire year since Jan. I think this is the most exciting part by far of parenting- to see the Spirit speaking through or to our children and learning from them is truly amazing.

The power of our words

2008-10-02T21:31:00.002-06:00

Agent B. and I really believe in the power of our words. The saddest thing to me is when I see parents use their words to belittle, shame or harm their children, often due to their own ignorance, need to control or lack of confidence... This is something I see a lot among the poverty culture, but is not restricted to them by any means.

I've seen the power of a positive word over our son AO#1. He has a lot of issues and one of them is his myriad fears. One day I heard his father say over him "you are the bravest person I know". Inwardly I thought to myself "you don't have to lie to the boy", but I'm glad I held my tongue. I remembered a story of a prophetic man who visited a church and called one church member to stand up. The prophet said "you are a gentle man". The whole congregation gasped because it was well known that this man was an abuser and not at all gentle. However after some time, the man became gentle! The prophet spoke God's truth over him, not the lie he was living.

I have seen the power of Agent B's word of faith, blessing and empowerment over AO#1 and it really has been amazing and formative. Now, I am so glad he had the wisdom to speak it to his son. AO#1 is becoming more and more courageous. He is putting his fears aside. He overcame his potty issues and I've heard him declare on several occasions "I can do this, my dad said that I am brave".

Words can tear down a person and they can live in shame all their life for it, or the right words, at the right time, by the right person, can give a person, a child, a life, freedom to be all the Lord is calling him to be- even to overcome personality traits in order to function and live at a higher level, with success, in faith and in strength- all because of a well placed word.

Speech is free, give away gold today to someone you know.

Words of wisdom

2008-09-27T12:19:00.001-06:00

"Each one of us can make a contribution. Too frequently we think we have to do spectacular things. Yet if we remember that the sea is actually made up of drops of water and each drop counts, each one of us can do our little bit where we are. Those little bits can come together and almost overwhelm the world. Each one of us can be an oasis of peace." Desmond Tutu

side by side

2008-09-21T12:28:00.003-06:00

May called yesterday and as I was telling her about Mbamie, we discovered that Mbamie's baby was buried next to May's grandson. She also knew the nurse that had carried Mbamie's daughter down to the morgue at the hospital and asked me if I was the translator Mbamie had had. I don't know if it's some weird coincidence or just the fact that we live in a fairly small city/town. May said that she had seen the un-marked grave next to her grandson's and put a colored stone on it and talked to the baby. She visits out there about once a week, talking to her grandson.

We discussed grief and marvelled at how the Lover comes to us in our pain and that we can see His grace through such hard times, even while we cry out "why? why? why?". (My nephew passed before he was born two years ago now and not knowing him how we had hoped will always be an ache in our hearts). This obviously isn't a new struggle and I think is one that Jesus himself struggled with in the garden- if there is some other way... I don't know why innocent little babies die, but I do know that the Lover is with us in our grieving. The CEO allowed for His only son to be brutally murdered in order that He could send the Comforter to us in our own times of need.

Mbamie still feels very much looped out and I told her this could be in part from the pain meds. as well as the grief. She said she's not sure if she is among the living or not. Pray for the Comforter to wrap His arms around her, give her peace and open her eyes to the abundant love she has in her home- her refound husband and two living children. May she find hope again. Also, Mbamie and her husband need unity and peace regarding future children or permanent birth control. Her medicaid will not last indefinitely and they need the Lover to show them the right path for them together.

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.2

2008-09-18T22:28:00.002-06:00

I asked AO#1 to tell all of us what his favorite color was and where he could see it. Normally he always says green, so his response surprised me. He said: "green, red, blue, orange, white, yellow, purple..." So then I asked where he could see them and he replied: "Everywhere in the world. In Jesus. I saw them in Jesus".

Every once in a while I ask the kids to be still and see if the CEO will communicate with them or show them something and several times AO#1 has said that the Lover showed him colors.

What all do you think the Lover may be telling us with colors?

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.1

2008-09-17T22:38:00.003-06:00

My daughter picked out the bible story of Jesus' resurrection.

I said "oh, you want to read "He's alive" (as it's titled in their children's bible)".

My son looked at the picture and said:

"yeah, He can't fit on the cross. He's too big."

2008-09-13T18:03:00.002-06:00

The funeral for Mbamie's baby was today. A few friends, family and the father attended. Mbamie didn't go. I was a little disappointed since I thought it would help her, but everyone mourns differently. She has not been sleeping and just got out of the hospital yesterday and is still on a lot of pain medication for the c-section she had Tues. so there is a lot going on in her mind/body and soul. We all stopped by at her place to see her after and I had a hard time recognizing her. She has lost a lot of weight in the face and her eyes were baggy which made her look more like her niece than herself. I have been encouraged by her husband's involvement. He seemed so aloof about the pregnancy, but it is obvious that his heart was really linked to this baby.

Before we went in to see Mbamie after her surgery and prior to seeing the baby, I was telling him about losing my nephew. He may have passed the night of halloween when I had AO#2 dressed up as a butterfly. After he passed, the Lord showed me a lot about butterflies, life and death, how the unborn child was like that worm in a cocoon and that now the baby was in his/her glorified state, so much more beautiful and free. Like the butterfly, the baby's presence would grace our lives by moments. The butterfly may flutter by, or even come to rest on our finger for just a brief, precious moment. Likewise, it's like that with those who have gone before us. They cheer us on and are a part of us forever. We think about them and it brings us closer to them and to the understanding of eternity. After we had spent some time with the baby, I noticed that the African cloth the photographer had given to the baby and wrapped her in had butterflies all over it (see picture above). I just knew it was the Lord echoing what we had talked about.

May the Holy Spirit meet Mbamie and her husband in their darkest time, give them rest and peace.
___________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, Mbamie's brother pulled me asside and told me their brother is sick, that nobody knows and that he may have cancer. His doctor recommended amputating his foot, but he wants another opinion. Meanwhile he has no insurance and is having troubles knowing where to turn to.

It's like this family escaped all the horrors of war in Ivory Coast and now they are still having to fight for survival.

In "recovery"- whatever that means

2008-09-09T21:50:00.003-06:00

After another failed attempt to induce, the doctor did a c-section on Mbamie and she is now resting and trying to recover on the many levels where she is wounded. The family was very distraught, not only by the death, but also by the knowledge that this was their third baby (out of four) to suffer strangulation from the cord. The second baby was revived with prayers and is now 7 years old. The third child (the second to live) didn't have complications which the sister--in-law attributes to having fasted and prayed all throughout the pregnancy. So many unanswered questions and heartache. Pray for their peace, strength and health- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

The nurses brought the baby to the family and I was privileged to be there while some women took pictures for them and as we gazed at the infant's beauty. I wrote this out of the pain I felt for my friend and her loss.

Cries-a-lot
Gazes into her pot of sorrow
Tears cascading down her face
Causing her filled cauldron to overflow
Threatening to drown her

Haunting images flitter across the salty surface
Her small lifeless baby
Too small, too still
The immovable death sentence
Crushing her hopes, dreams and joy
In a single blow

Her arms are empty
Her home is quiet in the awkward stillness of mourning
Her mind is in shock and turmoil
Her heart twisted mercilessly
By her great love that spills out as endless tears

Her cries turn heavenward
Where each mutter, each groan, each tear, each cry
Usher in the baby's precious soul to her heavenly home
She is carried in by this love bleeding forth from hearts on earth
The Lover carefully and tenderly receives and embraces
The passion of His heart, the beautiful soul come so quick
Along with the intense heartache
He draws them to Himself and says "little one, you are dearly loved"

The Lover and infant daughter
Carefully wrap each note of mourning sent heavenward
They kiss them until they melt into a fine powder
They smell in their fragrance, marvel at the great love
And tremble under the depth of sadness
They stir in their own offerings of love:
Heavens laughter, eternity's hope, perfect love from a perfect realm
And blow back their remixed potion as responses to the cries of earth

Cries-a-lot can barely see past the chasm of darkness
The despair and heart wrenching pain
But sometimes a glimmer of hope assails her heart
She imagines a presence, a child's voice that sings
"I'm not so far, Cries-a-lot, just beyond the veil
Receive our love back to you
And know that one day all will be well"

The Lover wipes Cries-a-lot's tears
Carefully treasuring the pure love and heartache
Just as she carefully carries the baby's fragile shell
The remains
Buried in earth's ground
Along with a sprinkling of heaven's rain

He stirs her pot of sorrow with heaven's tears
Of compassion, hope and love
So that sometimes she is overcome with peace
And the incomprehensible knowledge
Under such depth of pain
That she is dearly loved
----------------------------------------
Although this is what I felt in my heart, Mbamie is not in tears outwardly and that frightens me some, because I know her as an overly dramatic woman, yet since she heard of the death, she has become like a wall. I know everyone deals with sorrow differently, so I want to allow her the space to grieve as she will and have time for her grieving, but I also pray that she will not lose her will to connect or be among the living with this traumatic blow to her heart. While she seems to have shut down, her husband, who seemed aloof during the pregnancy, has been the one who cried out, looked at the baby, held her, and tried to reach his wife with their common love for the baby. They have actually been through this situation before, but I think what is different is that Mbamie may have thought that the chapter of horror on their lives had ended and they had turned a new page, yet here, the past haunts them again in this new life.

Lover- please ease their pain.

the torturous wait

2008-09-08T18:27:00.002-06:00

Mbamie is still waiting to deliver her deceased baby. They attempted induction last week, but did not succeed and are in the process of attempting again. We are all exhausted. I can not imagine the pain Mbamie and her husband are dealing with, and she still has the worst of the physical pain to affront. Keep them in your prayers, that the Comforter would meet with them and walk with them through this most difficult of situations. The hospital staff, nurses and doctors have been very compassionate, which the family has really appreciated. Right now some of the shock has worn off and the focus is on the delivery. I'm sure with that a whole heap of emotions, questions and pain will surface in the next phase of trying to face life without this precious being among us.

the valley of death

2008-09-04T07:54:00.002-06:00

Mbamie and her husband are in need of your prayers. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, but since she has been in pain with swelling in her feet, I offered that she go with me. There are many reasons why she should not even have been seen, but things kept working out for her to go, then the doctor happened to show up when he was supposed to be gone, then we asked if he could just do her regular appointment (that was for next week), since we were already there. It was at that point, we found out that her baby had died. Probably as early as that day or the night before. She is at the hospital now being induced and I have the four kids today. They have no idea when she may actually start having contractions since she is pretty early (about 28 or 30 weeks along). Mbamie and her husband are really shaken up by this and it will be a tough few days, weeks, months...

The CEO calls His Presence the comforter. May He go to them now in their darkest time of pain. They also lost their first born the day she delivered him, so this is also dredging up that pain- which was all due to incompetency on the staff in Africa at the time. This death, the doctor assured her, could not have been prevented. They may never know the reasons why, but she was already being monitored with the utmost care and nothing had ever signalled that the baby was in any kind of danger. Please pray for their peace, faith, sense of aloneness and her feeling of being targeted with all sorts of evil. She kept saying over and over: "why is it always me?"

a connection?

2008-08-31T20:55:00.002-06:00

I realized as we go through these potty issues with AO#1 that these trials may be in answer to my most ardent prayer, or at least may be being used to help answer my prayer. My prayer has been for my children to come into relationship with the CEO, to talk to Him as helper and friend, lean on Him, find strength in Him and know Him... AO#1 has had a definite aversion to talking with the CEO, but through his potty struggles is learning to cry out to the CEO for help and thank Him for each success. This is such a major deal and I realized that I needed to thank the CEO for our trials because they cause us to turn to Him. The potty struggle and insecurities in AO#1 also made me realize how totally ill equipped I am to know how to help him in this and that the CEO alone can guide us and strength us in this. I think this is part of being poor in the spirit. That phrase has always baffled me, but I see how our lack of resources has made me draw closer to the CEO, depend on Him and call out to Him. Then when we have had resources, we are so much more thankful and cognisant of the gift they are (not anything we have done, but real priveleges we enjoy by the grace of the Lover). Likewise, parenting can cause us to see our very real poverty in knowing how to help our kids grow into all they can be. As soon as we seem to have figured out a method or tactic, the child either grows out of it or we have another totally different child who doesn't respond the same way. The only way to possibly come through this mine field intact, with children who are full of love is to turn to the CEO and allow Him to guide the way, for the parent and for the child. Thank-you Lover for our lack that causes us to know that it is not us, to turn from our self-reliance and cast ourselves on your mercy, grace, great love and abundance.

Other praises to the CEO. Meshelle finally got her ID card, so now she can get social security cards for her and her son, as well as a bank card, library card... (all of which were lost/stolen a year ago, so that her life has been in turmoil and stalemates ever since).

Mbamie's tests all come back well, so the initial scares are not affecting her or the baby. However she is in intense pain as her legs and feet have swollen. The sad thing is that she could manage to leave work if it were not for her car payment and she is still 3 + years from finishing with that. America has taught her well. She came in with debt (the government brings refugees over, but makes them pay back their airfare) and now she is being strangled by it. Maybe I can tell her there is a better way. Maybe she could trade it in for something she could pay off now or sooner.

prayers for AO#1 and us

2008-08-25T11:23:00.002-06:00

We would appreciate prayers for help in knowing how to guide AO1 through his issues. He has been having troubles with using the potty and has become fearful in many circumstances, plus has comfort issues, like clothing or sweat bothering him. I think that part of this is his personality, but we are trying to help him be able to face situations with confidence or at least peace and be able to join in socially to activities as well as. It has been very stressful on me as I've not known how to assist him and I see him struggling and in torment over things small or more important.

Your prayers for us and him are appreciated.

the wedding

2008-08-24T10:59:00.005-06:00

Last weekend we got to experience an "African wedding". I put that in parenthesis because noble attempts were made to make it American, but since all the wedding party and guests were African, their culture shone threw. At the last minute, I was cajoled into translating the affair, much to my dismay. But with much prayer, the CEO rescued the day. When I went to the rehearsal, I discovered that a long time friend was officiating. We'd known him for ages, since I first landed in Abilene, and Agent B since before then. He was likewise relieved to discover that he knew the translator. My ardent prayers were answered when he e-mailed me his sermon, the vows... in English to me. I spent all morning making sure I had an idea of how to translate it, looking up words and even calling the African family to confer and select together the appropriate terms.

The funniest part was that they had an American wedding coordinator trying to make things run smoothly. Americans and Africans have differing ideas as to what is smooth. At the official wedding time, there were only about 10 guests in the chapel- Agent B, my kids and some other white American folk who think weddings start on time. The maid-of-honor hadn't even arrived, the bride and flower girl were there, an hour after their expected arrival. 40 minutes late, the chapel is filling with people and the coordinator tries to launch the wedding. She gets the bridesmaids and groomsmen in place and discovers that the maid-of-honor is not dressed or ready. The maid-of-honor's husband says that she has another 5 minutes to start getting ready. The coordinator goes to the brides dad and brings him in to convince the maid-of-honor that it's time to get dressed.

Finally the processional commences while guests continue to arrive. It's total mayhem. The most beautiful and moving part was when the bride came out. The lively African sounding song had this huge crescendo, the bride walked out on her father's arm, everyone stood and started making these incredible frolicking yells of victory. It was so incredible. I was in tears, trying to compose myself knowing that a couple hundred eyes would soon be turned my way.

Everything went well and without too many problems. Since we were so late, the wedding coordinator tells all the guests to go immediately to the reception instead of waiting several hours as was the original plan. We doddle a bit and show up a little before the original time as the coordinator had said and waited for the next couple of hours for people to show up. Everything was horribly "late", people were hungry, dancers came out sporadically, everyone had changed clothes for the reception as well as the bride- the bride's dresses were gorgeous gowns, the guests wore everything from fancy African outfits, to shimmering gowns, to jeans and t-shirts. The bride wore two or three different gowns at the reception and I later found out had another to wear that she didn't because of time. We left at 10pm since our kids were beyond tired. Mbamie told me she was there until 3am cleaning up. It was lively and beautiful, a real African affair!

An era ended?

2008-07-29T18:45:00.002-06:00

Princess and I have been through a lot. We were matched with Big Brothers/Big Sisters when she was 7 and I was just recently married. She is now 16 and I'll celebrate 10 married years this year. She has always been aloof and not very open, although there have been break throughs from time to time. Many people have told me to throw in the towel over the years. But things have been especially strained since she got out of juvenile. She's back home now and not allowed to go places, so I would go to see her and she was always acting like she was uncomfortable with me there. While I was gone, I had hoped that she would call as a sign that she wanted to stay connected- nothing. More than anything, her hoping over to the tv, to a phone or leaving the room was a major hint that it was time to move on. I gave her back her library card that I've kept for her since she was little and we'd get books at the library and told her that I love her and if she ever wants to reconnect, she knows my number. I'm sad to let her go. I hope she will call some day or want to be friends again. Most of all, I hope she is serious or will get serious about her commitment to follow Christ. Her family has such a screwed up theology, it is really frightening. Princess' cousin was murdered recently and Princess said "well, he has his free ticket to heaven". Everyone is talking about how Cheezy was such a wonderful kid and I do hope he made Jesus his Lord, even if it was at the last minute, because he lived a life of drug dealing, car stealing, bullying nonesence. I know that everyone's reaction is their grief and no one ever wants to think the alternative of someone they know, that their life may actually be worse now.

Rosalind, Cheezy's mom has totally gone off the deep end. She is the one who was already struggling since her boyfriend overdosed some months ago. Now she is "on the war path" as her sister (Princess' mom) told me. The police had to drag her out of the street where she had laid down hoping a car would run over her. She picked up little rocks from the yard saying she was going to sell them and get some real rocks to use. She keeps crying out to die. She was in the psych ward for 3 days, but they released her- I'm not sure why.

Meanwhile her daughter, who is only 21 has had to do all the funeral arrangements and raise money for that and is not working like crazy trying to get money for a tombstone and keep her mom from committing suicide.

Princess has a ring that Cheezy gave her before he died. He said he knew he wouldn't live much longer, but would be her angel watching over her. This whole family just needs Jesus so bad and the Holy Spirit to comfort, stabilize, revitalize and redeem them from the chaos and lies. I'm not for the fire, hell and brimestone era, but I think the whole Jesus loves us all has betrayed people into thinking we could live however we want and there are no consequences. God help us.
______________________________________________
In other news, Meshelle's mom has been in the hospital for severe constipation and is talking about redoing her lifestyle to include better eating and exercise. I could write another novel on our recent interactions, the frustrations and glimmers of good, but if this will help her get a new take on living, that will be a very positive step indeed.

funeral bookends

2008-07-06T21:14:00.003-06:00

The CEO was good to me in that I got to go to Canada to attend a cousin reunion and have a much needed break from Texan weather and taking care of kids. I had prayed and prayed for us to be able to go up, but when it looked impossible, I contacted my cousin telling her it looked like we wouldn't make it and she bought me a ticket. The rest was superb and I thank the CEO that He gives us times of refreshing. We need it because there are sorrows and troubles all around us.

I attended a funeral the day we drove off for me to catch my plane in Houston. It was for a little baby. Today, we came home and I attended a viewing, for an 18 year old, murdered last week- princess' first cousin (Rosalind's only son. You may remember Rosalind from my last post regarding her. She lost her boyfriend to an overdose in May and wasn't dealing with that well). Her niece (Princess' sister) told me that she is having a rough time, and can't be left out of their sight, that she is walking out in front of cars trying to kill herself. Both she and Princess try to put up a good front when other's ask how they are, but Princess' sister also told me that Princess fainted when she saw her cousin in the casket, that they had to carry her outside and calm her down. I had been praying and praying while gone if I needed to stay in relationship with her and thought that maybe if I got a call from her while I was gone that that would show me to stick with it. The call wasn't from her, but her sister wanted to make sure I knew and I can't give up with all this turmoil in her life. She is still dealing with her best friends' murder that occurred while Princess was locked up in juvenile.

To top it off, as we drove home today, we got a call from Tighe saying that Isaiah is sick again and in the hospital. They are not sure what is wrong now. He had a fever that wouldn't go down even with oral medicine or a shot. The doctors and ER kept sending them home and Tighe and her husband insisted they run more tests. A doctor did, going on their instinct and found that his white blood cells were really high, meaning he is fighting something, but they are not sure what. The good is that he acts normal as long as he's on lots of pain meds, but they are scared and in need of much support and prayer. Tighe's baby is only a couple of months old also, so they can't take her into the area that Isaiah is in which is hard on them all too.

Please lift up all these families whose lives seem so chaotic and filled with pain. May the CEO meet them in their deepest hurts, still the storms, bring them peace, and life. I'm also praying that the friends of Princess' cousin will not seek revenge and that her sisters and family would be protected. The sisters both have young children and have recently been burglarized, with people taking all of the deceased things. Princess' home and her sister's car have also been broken into. The police have not yet apprehended the killer who came from out of town. May they all somehow find the power to forgive and know the peace that passes understanding.

Misty's grief

2008-06-18T12:08:00.002-06:00

I haven't mentioned May or her daughter Misty in a long, long time. I never know when I'll hear or run into them. Like many of our former friends from the Izzy days, it's hard to keep track of them, since they move at least once a year and often change phone numbers. May will call from time to time to give me an update on her family or will just stop by the house. The other night, she was on my mind, so I was surprised when she called the next day. I told her I'd thought of her and she said "really?- last night you say?", then I ask about her grandkids- Misty's boys, and she says: "that's why I called, we lost the youngest last night".

May and her daughter had gone out and left the boys with a 17 year old cousin. The cousin had called saying the baby (3.5 months) was fussy. Misty told her to lay him on his belly and pat his back and he'd go back to sleep. She did and found him dead an hour later. There was a lot of blood coming out of his nose, and an autopsy is being conducted- but no matter what comes from this, it will not bring back this baby.

Pray that they will not be crushed by their grief, but that the Lover will meet them in the midst of their pain-- that spiritual life will come from this, that the comforter will become more real to them than they have ever known.
_______________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, Isaiah has come out of his surgery well. He is getting fitted for a hearing aid today and will have the cochlear fully functioning next month.

The amazing thing is that Tighe (Isaiah's mom) was praying that she would meet someone who had had an implant before the surgery. Her prayers were answered in an incredible way. She took the kids out to a play date at Fort Imagination park. This was the first time she took the kids out by herself apart from church. While there, she sees a man with the implant. She introduced him to Isaiah and asked him about it. He went deaf at age 21 and got the implant at age 28. His talking was clear and unlike that of a hearing impaired person. He said his cousin was the first person to receive the implant in the US. His family all have them since they have a degenerative disease and all lose their hearing. She asked what things sounded like with it and he explained that at first it was aweful- sounded like aliens, but after 2 weeks it all changed and that she sounded like a southern belle to him now. From what Tighe said the brain translates the sounds and I guess gives voice sounds to people. He is a teacher and doesn't even live in Abilene, but stopped at the park with his kids to let them play as they were on a road trip!!

So that gave her a lot of peace going into the surgery.

A whole other world

2008-06-13T21:47:00.002-06:00

Mbamie was telling me how freaked out her son was when she had her second child. He screamed and threw fits at the hospital and when she came home. I would have too. They don't inform or prepare their children in any way for the arrival of the next child. In fact they don't tell anyone really. I told her I thought this was crazy. Several people have offered to do a baby shower for her and she needs baby stuff- she doesn't have anything since her last child is 5 years old and was born in Africa. But she has refused having a baby shower thus far. So I asked her what they did back in Africa.

She explained to me that their culture is not like here. The is a lot of witchcraft and sorcery. People often wish evil of others- even family members, especially of anyone who seems to be advancing or doing well in life. She told me that there are potions they can give you to make you lose the baby. So, in order to protect the baby, the mother will not announce to anyone that she is expecting. When she is very obviously pregnant, and someone comments that she is pregnant, she denies it saying only that she has gained weight. Then when the baby is born, the baby does not leave the house for 3 months. The mother can get out, but not the baby. At the end of 3 months, there is a going out party- saying that the baby can now leave the home.

It would be so stressful to live like that! Imagine not having friends celebrate the new life within, of being fearful of those around you, of not being able to talk or share in the journey that is pregnancy.

While no one is out to get her or her baby here, Mbamie has had troubling news from the Dr. I am not at liberty to say what it is, even on this anonymous blog, I would feel as though I had betrayed her confidence if I wrote of it, but just be in prayer for her. She is very anxious about it and has difficult pregnancies anyways.

I was very thankful I got to go with her to the appointment. It was almost like it was meant to be that at least I was there. Her husband had to go to work, so she was going to go solo, but my work week was changed for just that week and agent B happened to be free that morning, so I volunteered to take her and translate again. She had to have a sonogram, then her OBGYN met with her and gave her the bad news, then she had to go get more blood work done for further tests. I had told the DRs that I can't normally make it to her appointments, since they only do them on Mon. and Tues. and I work those days, but they told me if I could come, they would go along with whatever schedule I could give them! I have been really impressed with her OBGYN, he has been gentle and compassionate.

Princess's lack of social skills

2008-06-07T18:28:00.002-06:00

Princess has a really hard time socially. Especially with people who are not in her "hood realm". She is basically on house arrest, so I have to go to her to see her and we can't go anywhere private. She has never been comfortable with me in her home and has no idea how to start or keep a conversation going. There are always others around and they are the ones who ask or answer questions or make comments.

This visit, I brought the kids. Princess' nieces and nephews were so excited we came and were bouncing all over the place over us being there. The only little girl is maybe half a year younger than my daughter and it was obvious that she wanted to make friends, but didn't know how. She tried sharing a chip with my daughter and sat right up next to her, but then she started to pull my daughter's hair, pinch or hit. Each time I'd take her hand away and say "no". Meanwhile Princess decided it was funny and laughed and laughed. I finally told her that her laughing was making the little want to do it more. Her parents were telling her that it wasn't funny too.

But I remembered immediately an incident when Princess was in about 3rd grade. She had cussed out a teacher and I took her mom to go and get her. When they got home, Princess' mom told everyone how Princess had cussed out the teacher and they all laughed and laughed. Now she is doing the same inappropriate behavior. I feel so bad for the kids. By not learning how to act with others, they are headed down the same path of frustration, anger and loneliness.

Pray that I'll have discernment in my relationship with her. She really acts like she doesn't want me around and I need to know what is best for her and us. I am one of the few people in her life that can show her that life doesn't have to be how she has always known it- chaotic, crime ridden, stagnant.
_____________________________________________________________

On another note, Meshell called me today. They are in the process of moving again. They move at least once a year- which is formidable since they neither have a car or phone. She was at someone else's house and was waiting for her brother's girlfriend to get off work and take them to the old house to move some things today. She asked me to go get her mail and bring it to her. I asked her why she couldn't wait until the girlfriend took her there. She told me she didn't want someone taking the mail before she could get it. I learn so much by her being in my life. That would have never been a concern of mine, but for some it is their reality.

Princess

2008-05-31T08:15:00.002-06:00

I finally got to see Princess at her home! I had wanted to go get her last weekend, but she said she had to get approval from her probation officer first and it being a long weekend, she couldn't be reached. Then she found out when she saw her during the week that she is on level 3 meaning that she can't go anywhere. So I went to her place. It was weird as always when I'm at her place. She didn't really visit or talk with me. When her sister was there, she talked some since her sister is very social and helped her with relational cues like: tell her what you learned at TYC... Then Princess told me how she learned to manage her anger and not yell at the kids that then she can not build relationship with them. She also said that she already has 21 credits toward graduating and the only thing she lacks in her history credit. I'm not sure how all that happened because she has difficulties with simple reading and math, unless she has made quantum leaps in learning since I've helped her with school type work. But she excitedly talks about how TYC will pay for 2 years of going to the community college here and of wanting to get her life on track. I told her I'd keep her to her promise of opening up to me and that I'd visit her at her home until we could go out together. At the end she was watching some smut TV and I told her I may as well go home. Agent B reminded me that she hasn't seen tv much in the last couple of years, so it is an alluring vortex for her to be sucked into.

my uncle

2008-05-31T08:14:00.002-06:00

Thank you for your prayers for my uncle. Please continue to pray for him. The posts have been removed due to sensitivity. Thank you for praying and for your concern. Wisdom and timeliness are of the essence right now.

She's HOME!

2008-05-20T19:51:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a marathon day. I thought I'd be an hour or two at the doctor's with Mbamie and her husband for their first OBGYN appointment, but it took forever. The paperwork was of course atrocious, so that was the first delay. Mbamie can not really read or write much on top of the language barrier, so just to write her name, date and address takes a very long time, so I ended up just filling pages out for her. When we got to see the nurse, she couldn't find the heartbeat, then they had problems reaching her cervix and thought she could be dilating early. I lost count of how many sonograms in 3 different buildings that she had, but it was somewhere around 10, some of which were very painful. It was pretty bad. I thought I was going to pass out by the last ones since we had missed lunch and it was dragging on in these little rooms with more people than the room is meant for. But the good thing is that everything is fine. The specialist finally confirmed that she is not dilating. She has lost a baby soon after birth and had 3 c-sections, so they are going to watch her closely to make sure she and baby are well. Everyone was very kind and I was so glad I was able to go. First of all, it would have been so hard without translation help, second they didn't have to face all the scares by themselves, third, I got to see them see sonogram video and pictures of their baby for their first time ever (they never had sonograms in Africa). The medical personnel were all very nice. It was a good thing Agent B didn't have work that day. The plan was that he would watch our two a couple of hours and I would keep them and the extras the rest of the day. Agent B got dumped with all 4 kids when the 2 hours became 6 hours!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I just got off the phone with Princess- she is home!!! She is so excited and hanging out with all her family tonight- aunts, nephews, sisters... May this be the start of a new life for her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Baiers got some bad news today. Isaiah is essentially deaf. He can't hear out of one ear and the other has moderate to severe impairment and is getting worse. They have to make decisions about cochlear implants and face a drastically different life for them and their son. The good thing is that his life was spared and the brain damage seems minimal or even self correcting, but they will have a lot of adjustments to make with the loss of his hearing.

CEO- May your power and Spirit be with all these friends as they go through these major transitions of life. May you give them life and life more abundantly.

another secret agent

2008-05-18T19:39:00.003-06:00

We're busting through the status quo of 2 point whatever kids and working on number 3. We're excited. We've always said we'd like 4 so we'll see if we still have energy after this one for another. While we love our two, it just seems like we are meant to have a bigger household. I joke with people that the CEO said to be fruitful and multiply. Having one is downsizing the population, having 2 kids is maintaining, having 3 is adding, so you have to have at least 4 to multiply! ha, ha. Most people I'm sure will seem shocked since we have "our girl and boy"- isn't that the perfect scenario? Not for us. We are excited to know this new little person and welcome him/her into our family and on our journey.

Baier update

2008-05-08T22:27:00.000-06:00

I know you are all in suspense to know how the Baiers are doing. They are doing really great- all 4 of them. Lilian Ruth was born to Tighe and Greg at about 4:20pm, today, May 8th, in Abilene. She is 8 1/2 pounds and absolutely gorgeous.

Of course, there is the story behind it all. Greg and Tighe have gotten really tired of hospitals and were desperate to get home, but their leaving was delayed yesterday. Tighe was having good contractions then, but they got irregular later in the day. The plan was that she and her mom were going to leave this morning as Isaiah went in for his last MRI and Greg and Isaiah would come when he had recovered. This morning, they changed plans, leaving Tighe's mom with Isaiah, Greg and Tighe left for Abilene. She had contractions the whole way- lots of intense contractions all 2.5 hours it took to get here. Their car's service engine light also came on and when that last happened, it broke down, so she called telling me that they were on the road and to pray that their car didn't break down. It didn't- thank God! They drove straight to the hospital and Tighe was already dilated to an 8! They are so glad Greg chose to go with Tighe. When I last saw them at the hospital here, Isaiah and his grandmother had not even arrived yet in Abilene, since the recovery took longer than they had anticipated in Dallas. Tighe is looking forward to going HOME tomorrow with her new baby. Isaiah, his grandmother and Greg will get to stay in Abilene tonight, in real beds, in a real home, among familiar things. YEAH!

Isaiah will have to go back Tues. for another MRI (his daddy will take him) and Tighe's mom will stay here with her and the baby. With that test, they will also see the ear specialist and find out what can be done to help Isaiah with his hearing. Pray that a really good solution can be found, or that his hearing improves dramatically before then.

It was a very good day. Tighe looks amazing as you can see and Lily (as they will call her) is stunning. It was nice that they got to be in a different hospital for the birth, in their home town. It was eerie for me as I drove up seeing the helicopter parked at Hendrick, knowing that is the vehicle that whisked Isaiah away in a successful attempt to save his life. I think that few people have lived such a drastically life altering series of events as these last couple of weeks have brought the Baiers- both the saving of their first born and the fight for his life and the birth of their second. They have felt your love and prayers all along and that has made all the difference.

By the way, Greg was saying something about some new wires hanging down bellow the car, saying that he is sure they made it here on prayer alone. They are so relieved to be home and starting this new chapter- with Lily and moving on past the meningitis.

thanks to everyone for all you have done.

The Baiers

2008-05-07T12:20:00.001-06:00

The Baiers are currently waiting for an ear specialist who is supposed to arrive back in Dallas today. They told her they could go home, but that they wouldn't want to see anyone else, that this guy is the best. So they are hoping to see him. Also, there is a possibility that they can do surgery on Isaiah's ears and if so, the sooner the better, so they are wanting to find out what he sees in Isaiah's ears and get his ideas and possibly help.

In the meantime, Tighe was having regular contractions this morning- 35 secs. long and 7 min. apart (for those of you who know what that means). But they just called (1pm) saying that the contractions are now erratic, so they are a little disappointed and are asking us to pray for them, the timing and delivery. They were also disappointed to not get to go home yet, so ask the Lord to give them stamina to keep on.

Rosalind

2008-05-06T12:01:00.004-06:00

Rosalind is not doing good. She called me about 4 times through the night- to pray for her and read scripture over her. She was flipping out- hearing her deceased boyfriend talking to her, blaming her, hating her. The second time she called was from the hospital where they gave her some anti-depressants and sent her home, telling her to call MHMR in the morning. She's talking about going to Big Spring where the hospital for those who are mentally ill are treated. She really needs help.

I kept speaking truth over her, but it was like she couldn't even hear it, yet alone understand or take hold of it. While I was thinking this over, I saw that she was like a person who had built on sand- or worse on quicksand. She isn't on the rock that gives her strength in the storm, but is tossed mercilessly by the powers of darkness. But the power of love can prevail. She has hit her bottom- or so it seems and wants to live right. She said someone stopped by yesterday offering her crack and she refused. She wants to be free- of her addictions, of the voices, of Don and the haunting call of mental illness. She kept saying she didn't want to be crazy. She was in a really bad way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With further tests, the Baiers found out that Isaiah does have hearing loss. Pretty severe hearing loss. So they are about to meet with a specialist to find out what can be done. They are anxious to get home and be out of hospitals, but are trying to way out what will be best for their son and of course put his needs first.

Isaiah's recovery!

2008-05-04T09:35:00.000-06:00

Isaiah had a huge turn-around this weekend. Friday, he "woke up". He started talking like before, he was playing and alert, hearing and seeing. Yesterday, they took him outside in a wagon and he took a couple of steps. Thank you for all your prayers and concern over him. All your love and care meant a lot to the Baiers and helped tremendously. At this point, the cream to top it all off would be if Tighe could have the baby there at Cook's before they are released. They are so sick of hospitals and she does not want to go in to labor right before they leave, or on the way home. She is already dilated to a 3 and is 70% effaced as of last week and is 39 weeks on Monday, so she was going to talk to the doctor Monday about being induced, but the best thing would be if she just went into labor on her own today or tomorrow. They are supposed to be released Thurs. morning from Cook's.

Isaiah will still be on anti-seizure medicine for a while and will have a specialist watching him, plus he will be getting tubes in his ears as soon as he is able to handle that.

This has been such an incredible progression. We give thanks to the Lover for giving them peace and healing at this critical time, and for all the love and prayers from so many people around the world.

more prayer requests

2008-05-01T15:25:00.002-06:00

Rosalind, Princess' aunt, called me today. She has been on and off drugs and the realm that brings pretty much all her life. About a week ago, her boyfriend died of an overdose. She called today freaking out, wanting me to pray for her, saying that her boyfriend's spirit was tormenting her, that he was in her body and making her crazy. I told her that taking drugs will allow all sort of evil to enter in and she admitted to taking something last night. I'm sure it was still in her system, she was really wigged out. But she knows the answer is the Lord and as we prayed together and as she cast out and renounced the drugs and her past life, she got some measure of peace. She hasn't slept in several days and her aunt said that if she didn't sleep tonight, she is going to take her to the mental hospital. Rosalind has been there before and doesn't want to go back, so she wants me to call her and pray with her again before she goes to sleep. I ask you to join with me in praying for her that she will have peace and will have victory over the darkness and drugs that keep ensnaring her from walking in victory.

_____________________________________________________

I also found out that Princess will soon be coming home. I know it will be a hard transition for her to come back. She is to come home the week of mother's day. She will come home to the hard realization that her friend is gone, to a family that is still as it has been, while she tries to lead a new life in the Lord. I hope for her sake that Rosalind will not be in close proximity of her. I also pray that we will be able to foster a more open and honest relationship. Princess has always been very guarded with me, shielding me and everyone from her life and emotions. May she be able to talk and be honest with others, herself and most importantly with the Lover.

_________________________________________________
Continue your prayers also for Isaiah Baier, for his mom Tighe, dad Greg and unborn sister Lily (those are their real names). Each day Isaiah improves a little. He said a couple of words and had his first bite of real food since the weekend. Tighe met a doctor who doesn't take medicaid, but is going to deliver her baby for free. She held Tighe as she cried, saying that she would be there with her through it all and that she was praying for her. Tighe felt like she had met an angel. They have been so thankful for everyone's prayers and the way the body of Christ has reached out to them in their time of need. Keep praying for Isaiah to recover from this fully and continue to show signs of improvement. They are not sure if he has suffered hearing loss as he has two really bad ear infections as well. Peace over the Baiers.

Sorry for the onslaught. Thanks for reading and for praying.

Isaiah update

2008-04-30T22:21:00.001-06:00

Keep up the prayers for Isaiah. He is no longer fighting for his life, but has suffered some brain damage. The good news is that the spots were small, much smaller than the doctors had expected. Also with Isaiah being so young, and the brain still forming and with it being a most remarkable organism, it can reroute itself around the damaged areas to recover full functioning. It can also suffer further damage. Isaiah is scheduled for another CAT scan Monday to make sure the spots are not getting worse- so pray for that. And of course pray for encouragement and peace for Tighe and Greg. There are moments when it seems very overwhelming to them and other times when they are more positive. Isaiah said a few words the first night, but nothing the next day or night. He did move his head though and reach for his mom and in the middle of the night sat up in bed. One doctor told them that Isaiah just needs some time and told them of a former patient of his who got meningitis and whose CAT scan looked like cottage cheese mush, yet she grew up and graduated from school and entered the ministry. Of course allowing time is difficult as they anticipate their second child's immanent arrival. The social worker at Cook's children's Medical hospital found Tighe a doctor there who will in all probability deliver her 2nd baby there in Fort Worth, TX.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My apologies to those of you who are reading this in double- with it being on my real blog. Yes, I have a real blog. Sorry if you are not privy to it, but that would not make this one anonymous would it? As for those who leaked through the disguisement- it's all Agent B's fault.

Prayers needed

2008-04-28T08:04:00.002-06:00

Please pray for our friends Tighe, Greg, Lily and Isaiah. Isaiah got meningitis and was just flown to Cook's hospital in Ft. Worth. They are expecting Lily's birth in the next couple of weeks. Isaiah is in critical condition. Please pray for peace for all of them and that the CEO will intervene, completely healing Isaiah.

Injustice

2008-04-21T18:35:00.002-06:00

I felt yucky most of the day, dirty, sad, disappointed and angry- and all because of a phone call. Mbamie is expecting, which is so exciting and amazing. Her first child in America. A physical presence reaffirming the reunification of husband and wife after many horrid years of separation due to war. They have been through so much and it's exciting that God is not done with them yet. When I think of all they have lived through, I am very much in awe and think of what an honor it is to be able to help even in the smallest way.

Mbamie nearly died giving birth to her first child. The baby did die and she would have if it wasn't for an off-duty doctor stopping by the clinic where she was, recognizing her family name and taking it upon himself with much risk to transport her to a hospital (several of which refused to take her due to her great risk of death). He took her to his hospital in a taxi while she went into a coma like state and did an emergency c-section, saving her life.

She lived and had two other children, the second of which is now 5 years old and just met her dad for the first time. The other pregnancies also had complications.

Mbamie and her husband are understandably anxious to see the doctor. We jumped through all the hoops and placed numerous phone calls to finally get her on medicaid. Today I called the doctor I had in hopes of getting her in, and she is all filled up.

So I tried my second pick. The receptionist was more than leery of taking on Mbamie. I said I was her translator and she was really lippy saying that they had to talk to her and what language did she speak and did she know ANY English and she would have to check with the nurse and doctor about it. I felt so horrid after that call. This can't be possible. I called the International Rescue Committee (the program that is bringing over refugees here) to make sure- "discriminating due to language is illegal right? I mean more than just nasty, rude, insensitive and heartless- it's illegal too right?" Yep, they said it is, but doctors can quite easily jump around who they want and don't want by saying that they are all filled up or can not take any new patients at this time.

I called back to the doctor to find out if the doctor or nurse had an answer yet and the receptionist very smartly told me that I needed to wait for them to call me back. I did say that I was just trying to figure out what exactly the problem was.

Agent B was off half the day, so I got him to go get Mbamie from work and got her on the phone to make the call. The thing is, I've met this doctor and he seemed really good. I've had lots of ladies go to him and loved him. I wanted her with a good caring doctor, even if the receptionist needs a new heart. I coached Mbamie through her answers. She really can understand quite a bit, but like many new language speakers is shy about speaking it, then with her heavy accent, it's really hard for people to understand what she says. She repeated her name spelling about 3 times and they still don't have it right. The lady kept saying- ok, is that right and Mbamie kept saying the correct spelling until we both giggled and she said- sure that's right. They'll get it fixed when we come in.

The good news is that they are taking her. The bad news is that the appointment is a month away. Mbamie will be into her 2nd trimester by then, but I hated to try for something better after we finally got an affirmative on something.

CEO, please watch over this child and Mbamie. May this office and all the staff be warm, welcoming, considerate and loving toward Mbamie, her husband and baby. Keep them safe in your care, and give them peace especially as they continue to wait to see a doctor.

Why friendship is important

2008-04-17T21:35:00.002-06:00

He's 1 week shy of his 91st birthday. A steady stream of people come into his home everyday, but he feels like he's all alone if our car so much as leaves the street. The people who come are nurses, a cleaning lady, meals-on-wheels delivery person and while most are kind and genuine, they are there because of a program and Obiwan's emotional needs are not met through them.

He said tonight: "you make me feel like I'm wanted in this world. Some people walk by and never look at you, like you're not even there. Others come to get something from you. Some come so that they can go gossip about everything- that's bad. You're like my children. I call you my chilluns and if I see any movement at your place I feel like I'm not alone."

Back in the saddle

2008-04-14T20:49:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I had one of those CEO orchestrated moments. I was trying to get the kids out of agent B's hair and thought of taking them to the park. As I drove out of the driveway, I thought of how I should have called a friend to join us, but then many of the friends I thought of would be having family time. I thought of pulling into one park, but we ended up passing it, then as I turned toward the first park I'd thought of, which would take me past Meshell's house, I thought of stopping to see if she and her son wanted to come along. When I stopped the car, I landed in a melting pot of frustration, tears, hurt and pain. Meshell was a couple of houses away and while I waved at her, she acted like she didn't know me. Her mom was at the door and proceeded to tell me that her daughter (25/30 years old) was running away, that all she asked her to do was to take care of her by making her some tea, that it was the least she could do after everything she's ever done for her... (blah, blah, blah) and can you talk to her?

By this time Meshell had put a block or two between us, so I got back in the car and drove to catch her. When I pulled over, she came to the car and I asked her if she was OK. She just burst into tears-- "I just stay in the house all day, every day, no one wants to help us, we can't get rides to go pay bills or get anything done..." (blah, blah, blah). Basically she was just really stressed and freaking out. Her brothers and their girlfriends had just moved out that weekend. Meshell, her son and mom are the only ones who are left in the house, with no phone, no transportation and little gumption or imagination (I don't say that to be mean or belittling, but they just don't have the resources, financial, emotional, physical to get a lot of basic things done).

So we got to go to the park. It was just so cool that the Lover would see her tears, hear her cries and hook us up at just the perfect time. I didn't hear a big voice or anything, I didn't know if it was my thinking or His doing until I'd stopped and saw that this was where we were supposed to be. A physical touch to show that the Lover sees, He knows and to turn to Him because He has ways and solutions we can not even dream of.

Then tonight, Meshell called (from the neighbor's) to see if I could take her to the grocery store. I had time and a car, so AO#1 and I went to get them. The store she shops at caters to the down and out. It was like walking back in time, into our former life with the Izzy group. Before I got out of the car, Juliette called out to me. She and her boyfriend were getting their beverages before heading home (a 2 liter soda for her and a 40 oz for him). They were genuinely pleased to see us and wanted to know how we were doing. They were so happy for me and my life, even as they admitted and confessed to drowning out theirs. They are so real, confessing this addiction or that problem and saying how they just cling to hope, hope for each other and their lives. Juliette once told me to cherish my family, that it was so precious and it brings tears to my heart whenever I think of her telling me that. Juliette has lived on and off the streets for a very long time, but she is a mom too and has never been able to live it. Her kids are never far from her thoughts, but she doesn't get to mother them, to hold them or talk to them or play a real part in their lives. Schizophrenia and street life has stolen all that from her and so much more.

The store's entire stash of milk had gone bad, so we had one more stop to make. I took Meshell to the grocery store I usually go to. It was a bit shocking to drive back into "suburbia". It was truly a different world. I am so privileged. I am so thankful for our phone, for our car, for the freedom and opportunities to go places, for the many friends I have, for my sanity and mental stability and for this strange life we are in that allows us to walk in both worlds- at least to some degree. And even with all our stuff and freedoms, I too have felt that strain, that pressure, that sense of being lost and alone at times and I'm most thankful that the Lover is always there to open my eyes to the truth that His love never fails.

new kids on the block

2008-04-10T22:00:00.002-06:00

I'm a lot like the Israelites- I grumble. I find myself feeling sad when we are not actively involved in some sort of ministry situation and feel like we are just living for ourselves- thus sense my spirit grumbling with the CEO over it. Then He'll send someone our way and I'll grumble about the time, effort and stretching it involves on our part. I am trying to change this and sometimes I recognize that He gives us seasons of interaction and seasons of rest and can thus actually appreciate the rhythm of it.

Our street has been interesting. It is not the "inner city", nor is it the "suburbs". It's just people with all sorts of needs and levels of need. Where the CEO seems to have directed us most has been to Obiwan and to the children of the neighborhood. Children are so open and friendly. While we may not know all the adults on our street, the kids have no problem with stopping over and asking if we can play or if they can come in our house (even before we had kids). To miss these opportunities would truly be foolishness, because I am learning they do not last long and it goes in waves.

When we first landed here, it was Freida's preteens who came over regularly, but in 5 short years, they are too cool for that and it has become much harder to connect with them. There were other kids down the street who lived without utilities who we were able to connect with quite a bit after the teens stopped coming by as much. Then they moved on and it has been Jenny and Sebastien that came a lot. These two now have a new baby brother and come as good friends, but not as often as before. I am seeing that now it may be time to invest in a brother and sister who are frequenting our neighborhood more and more. They hang out with their grandpa in the day during the summer and came once to color with us. We've seen them quite a bit on the street lately. Their parents are going through a divorce and they are obviously looking for friends and love.

I need to kill my flesh in this. The other day, they were trying to hang out and I was just enjoying peace without the 4some I had had all day. I was surfing the net and I heard them outside begging for attention. I have to get over wanting "my time" and get over the little quirks that irk me in them. Sometimes I find these two annoying. Stupid things like littering on the street or in the house (seen that before), trying to run over others during play, being ungrateful and bossy. The thing is it's not their fault they are like that and these aren't the important matters. The important thing is that they are here, they are calling out for love and the CEO has called us to love others. It would be easier and not as messy if we just shut our door and our hearts, but we would be missing out on a most great opportunity that will not come by again- at least not with them at this time and place. Each day is unique and we have to capture both the times of rest and the times of planting, watering and allowing the CEO to work through us. It's critical for us and for them.

The I am statements

2008-04-05T21:34:00.002-06:00

The "I am" statements of Jesus are all found in the book of John and carry such depth. It's great to read them in context, but they can also just be delved into on their own. I'll post the ideas I had with them and maybe even the song I made up. I have found songs as a great way to learn things, so I've made songs to sing with the kids for the fruit of the spirit and for the I am statements. They are so easy to remember that way and when we sing them, they help us to refocus on the important things. This week we will do the last I am statement and move on to something else- I'm not sure what yet.

I am the bread of life. (John 6:35)
I am the light of the world. (John 8:12)
I am the gate. (John 10:7)
I am the good shepherd. (John 10:11)
I am the resurrection and the life. (John 11:25)
I am the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)
I am the vine, you are the branches. (John 15:5)

We also made a poster where we can see pictures of each statement. A friend gave me this hint for helping them recall scriptures, since they can't read yet, pictures are great cues.

(Thanks to Sara for the question and interest).

Burnt bridges

2008-03-27T19:33:00.004-06:00

They're gone. Before an opportunity came to see or talk with the girls, they have left-- Frieda told me today that Elizabeth got offended about her saying not to do piercings in front of a young girl they've been keeping and not to tell that same young girl to bring her a butcher knife from the kitchen or to cuss in front of the kids, so Elizabeth and Jessie up and left. Their history tells me that they will be back- but it's scary what all will happen in the gone times.

Really Jessie is 20 years old, but she's emotionally and intellectually stunted. Elizabeth is younger, but has been on her own for some time now (on her own as in not at her parents. She lives with boyfriends or friends and spends her days not doing much). So it's not really the age factor that is scary. The scary part is that they have no direction. They just kind of drift into whatever people they run in to are doing.

We've brought them home from a questionable hotel when they decided they had finally had enough and from the hospital after Jessie had an early pregnancy miscarriage (early as in she found out she had been pregnant when she had the miscarriage).

We usually think of the homeless as being those with a backpack camping out in alleys, but there are a lot of people homeless who ping pong like these girls from a boyfriend's place, to a family member's place, to various friends' houses and strangers, to hotels and back again.

Having met and befriended "hard core" homeless, it makes me wonder if something out there will cause either of these girls to end up like so many others we have seen. Becoming homeless is not something that just happens one day. It is a process much like the one Jessie and Elizabeth are on. For their sakes, I hope and pray they will have an encounter with the Lover before they are pulled through the dredges of their drifting lifestyle. All the bridges burnt- the jobs abandoned, family fights and mooching off friends add up and at some point, there may not be much of a way back.

I am the gate

2008-03-26T21:33:00.004-06:00

The kids and I have been talking about the 7 I AM statements of the Lover, going over one each week. This week was a shorter one due to Easter, so I chose to do the I AM THE GATE statement. I understood it the least and figured there wasn't a whole lot we could explore on it.

As I was looking up a gate craft online, I found information on the Japanese Torii gate for a Shinto Shrine. While reading about this other religion, I gained a deeper understanding of the symbolism of the Lover as the gate to the CEO of the universe.

Going from the text of John 10 in The Book, I was a bit lost. It has been hard for me to relate to the sheep and the going in and out... blah, blah. But when I heard that these Japanese gates were a physical space to mark the transition from the sacred (the shrine) to the profane (the normal world) it all fell into place for me.

Today the kids and I talked about the temple, the ark of the covenant, the Holy of Holies, the cross, the tearing of the curtain and of the Lover being our gate, our passage way into the presence of God. Somehow it just became so much more deep to me.

We played a game. I closed my legs and declared: "The gate was closed. Jesus died on the cross. Jesus is the gate. The gate is open. Run to God." and made a bridge under my legs through which the kids ran with delight, glee and some rolling, tumbling and crashes. We played it innumerable times and they couldn't get enough of it. They were so excited to play out the mystery of it all and it seemed that with each retelling, the truth sank deeper into my spirit.

Thank you love for these symbols and these children who help unlock the treasures you've placed in the universe that we may come to you and know you more.

Jessie and the kid

2008-03-25T21:56:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I got to play in an impromptu game of volleyball with Jessie and Elizabeth. It was a good opportunity to find out how the girls were and what is going on in their lives. They have been living next door again. I usually start off with asking Jessie if she and her boyfriend are still seeing each other. At the time of the volleyball game she was vehement about never going with him again- that he is just a player, cheating on her all the time, that he is a control freak, wanting her to stay at home even while he goes out partying and she confessed that she doesn't even know how old he is, that some relative of his told her that he is only 14 or some insanely young age. He's here illegally and has some bogus ID, so she really doesn't know how old he is. I kept asking her if she thinks he could really be that young. He does have some facial hair, but it's real scruffy and he does look young. At the time, he was going out with some older woman who had kids.

Now, he's back over again and Jessie is again the human pinball. I don't know how to talk to her about it. When they are split up, she admits that he's a creap, a jerk and no good for her, but the split ups never last long and then they are moving in together again. He was around when we had Easter dinner at our place, so we told him to come eat. Jessie seemed embarrassed by his demonstrations of affection. I'm scared for her. She is such a follower and is so hungry for love and acceptance, but looking in all the wrong places.

God help her- please. Open her eyes and may she see that there is true love, respect and hope through the love that never fails in YOU.

Hannah Elizabeth

2008-03-14T13:56:00.003-06:00

I've met several "Hannah Elizabeths" through the years thanks to the water aerobic class I teach to pregnant women. I met a most remarkable one this week. She is 45 years old and has tried to have a baby for 18 years. Can you imagine the pain and anguish of hoping and praying, working, testing, probing for 18 years? She had tests done and according to them there were no reasons why she couldn't get pregnant. She changed work from ICU to labor and delivery as they were trying to get pregnant. She got pregnant twice through artificial insemination and lost both babies. She moved back to ICU which was now for her a less stressful environment.

In October of last year, she gave in and gave it all up fully to the Lover, saying that if he wanted her to have a child, that she needed to have a sign by January. She and her husband bought land out of town and started work on their dream home with plans of adopting a child internationally in the next year.

Then she found out she was pregnant- naturally!!! She had conceived the very month she had given it all over to the Lover! She is now 23 weeks into the pregnancy. Her face glows with joy and expectancy. Throughout the class, she tenderly cradled her belly. She is radiant in her beauty and faith. It is not a flippant faith, but one that has been carved out in pain, perseverance and trial. I don't know why she had to go through all the waiting and heartache, but she affirms that this child she now carries is a miracle child. She still has struggles. She is scared to fully open up to this baby with the lingering fear that something may still go wrong, but I pray her fears will drift away like the morning mist and that this mother will join the chorus of the other Hannahs, Elizabeths, Rachels, Tamars-- those women who have cried out until their cry was answered and birthed their babies through the labor of love, faith and perseverance.

Blessings on these women and their babies of promise.

vigilence

2008-03-13T19:36:00.003-06:00

My kids got their second round of the flu this weekend- it was intense at times, but lasted only 48 hours, so that was a good thing. We went to see Obiwan Monday evening to tell him we were sorry not to have seen him in such a long time, but that the kids had had the flu again. He looked straight at me, pointed to me and said in essence "you're next". Obiwan has a very bad habit of speaking what I would call "word curses", even over his friends. I am usually very vigilant to refuse his words, but I had been doing that already for weeks and was tired of it, so instead I just said "yes", a simple little word, but my affirmation could have caused my coming days of torture. The next morning I woke up sore all over, by nighttime I felt like a cement truck had hit me, through the night and the next day, it felt like a combination of malaria and labor pains, with fevers, chills, pain and exhaustion. Some would look at this post sceptically and say there is no truth in it. I will admit that I had some of my daughter's banana from when she was sick- I'm sure that didn't help.

The same morning I saw Obiwan, I had read about the weapons of our warfare having Divine power to demolish strongholds, arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. And had been thinking about the passage in James that talks about the power of the tongue for wrecking havoc.

Whatever the case, I am glad to be on the mend and am reminded to guard my tongue and guard what I receive from others-verbally and orally.

small city living

2008-03-03T14:14:00.002-06:00

One thing that is nice with the Fair Mother city is that it's not too big. We will often run into people we have known and the lady at the photo place we go to doesn't even ask for my name- she just knows. I'm sure she doesn't know much else about us, apart from what she sees on the pictures, but there is something nice about being recognized even to a small degree.

It seems like with the poor and homeless there is a catch twenty-two. Often, they don't want to be noticed and want to just fade in the background, but the further they fade or are blatantly ignored, the more they miss out on human contact, which is so vital. How often do they get the smiles, the greetings, the affirmations, or friendly- "hello, it's glad to see you". Not nearly enough.

It is nice though that some people and businesses try to make a difference. I took my kids to reading time at a local fast food place that is trying to reach out to the community by offering their space and prizes to the kids. A bank employee came and explained that their business had decided to take the challenge of the movie "pay it forward" by doing something good for others once a month. They gave us free breakfast and piggy banks (with their business emblazoned on the side) and asked us to continue the trend by doing something for someone else.

It just warmed up the entire room that someone would be doing a kind gesture for us. This is such a small idea, but I know it could change individuals and whole communities if we would all just reach out to someone with kindness.

Princess visit

2008-03-02T13:40:00.003-06:00

I've been feeling for some time that I needed to go see Princess again and thought this would be the weekend, but I had something going on with work Sunday when I usually go, so I thought I'd head out Sat. I called her parent's to see if they wanted to come. I've taken the kids and Agent B the last two times. I had no idea that it was all pre-arranged by the Lover. It didn't dawn on me until we were on our way, visiting and catching up. Princess' mom said, today would have been Kissy's 17th birthday (Princess' best friend, murdered some 7 months ago). Her mom told me that when she talked with Princess on the phone earlier in the week, she was so glad we were coming and said that if she was out "in the free" she would have bought flowers and put them on her friend's grave. She says that Kissy visits her in her room at juvenile and in her dreams. Loosing someone we love is undoubtably one of the worst things on this earth, but it also helps us see that the other side is not so far from us, that the spirit realm is real and true and that it's important to value friends, family, life.

I keep praying that Princess' commitment to the Lover grows deeper and helps her overcome her tremendous obstacles. I was not disappointed. She asked if we knew why God could forgive all our sins and told us it was because of love. She told us how she stood up in group and told everyone that while she could not forget how her mother's friend had raped her, she does forgive him. Princess just got her credit for her Social studies class (one of her hardest classes) and was talking about getting into a class to get her ready for GED classes. She only has 2 of the 22 credits she needs to graduate, but talked of going to college. I don't know if that will be possible for her, she has major problems reading due to dyslexia and can barely add/subtract/multiply, but it was so incredible to hear her talking about her future for the first time ever, making plans and realizing that she can make positive steps toward a better life than she has known. We got our picture taken by the guard for a scandalous price, but now her face is beaming at me from our fridge.

There are so many forces that want to keep Princess trapped in horrid abuse (including her biological dad) who she refused to see when he came to visit her at juvenile. But she is learning to live in love and life, to stand up for herself without trampling all over others.

On a funny note. I found out that one of her sisters got married to her boyfriend- the father of her two children, but that since he is locked up, her twin sister had to stand up for him by proxi. I'm sure that was a weird ceremony. I take it they skipped the part about kissing the bride and the honeymoon. It is a beautiful thing to see sisters so supportive of each other. They live together taking care of each other's kids and sharing resources. I hope that Princess will transition well back into the mix when she gets home some day.

Lillian

2008-02-29T21:36:00.002-06:00

I run into Lillian and her hoard periodically, most often at the grocery store. We met through Izzy years ago, where she would come with all her kids to get food. They would pile out of her car like some kind of magic trick, but were all smiles and some incredible beauty.

Lillian has had a hard life. She's suffered lots of abuse from her dad, then from husbands and boyfriends. She now has 7 kids. She didn't get very far in school, but is real ingenious in taking care of her kids. She gets disability checks on a couple of them and had some child support for a few others until that ex got himself killed. When I first met her, she was living in a two bedroom house with all 6 kids, but it was her's. She told me she bought it for 10 grand and it came with two lots. Now she lives next door and rents out the first house, which pays for her payment in her current home. Once I came by and she showed me her newest investment- a pregnant dog. Each pup would get her a hundred or more dollars.

I had taken a few pictures of her and her newest baby, and dropped them off when she wasn't home, but she said she never got them, so I made reprints and took them over today. A teenager was out front on a bike, with baggy pants, talking on a phone. I kept staring at him, thinking he looked a lot like Peter, one of the older kids- but how could that be- this kid is too old.

He told me his mom wasn't in and I asked if he was Peter- he was. I was floored. Has it been that long? The children we used to see so regularly have grown and life moves on.

But what struck me was how beautiful, confident and friendly the older kids were (the only ones home). They remembered my name, looked me in the eyes, chatted some and waved as I left.

A lot of people have thought and wanted Lillian to lose her kids to the system. She's not had a lot of resources and I'm sure they've been exposed to lots that they should not have been, but one thing they have had was a mother's love. I was real proud of her today. She has done well.

collective

2008-02-24T13:53:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I really miss being a part of a group, of working together for a common goal, the relationships, worship, study, encouragement... I don't feel that we will be in this desert place forever and there are little times of connecting here and there, but the comfort and reassurance (false or real) are what I miss a lot from being part of an organized church.

One thing we found that is exciting to me is child sponsorship. I know lots of people do it, but we hadn't been able until recently. We watched a promotional video and two things really struck me in it. One was that as a sponsor, our lifestyle is not altered much on this end. We are out a little money. But for the child it can mean everything. A totally transformed life: food, shelter, educational opportunities, community resources, health services and hope for a better life. That is God's economy.

People often say- but what about the millions of kids without food and that was the other exciting part. I may only be able to help one right now, but there are over a million other people helping just through this one organization. So we may just be able to do a little bit, but together that little bit could really change the world, and certainly a life.

A friend posted http://www.freerice.com/index.php. It's a vocabulary game you can play online and when you get words right, rice is donated to the United Nations Food Program. Again, my grains of rice may seem measly, but together it becomes meals for others.

thankful

2008-02-15T19:50:00.002-06:00

Right now I am so very thankful that the kids are on medicaid. The kids have and are consuming copious amounts of medicines this last couple of weeks, thanks to the flu hitting our home and to a terrible double ear infection. I had to take AO#1 back to the doctor today to confirm that the first round of antibiotics was not helping and that a second one is needed. Medicaid paid for it all- doctor visits for 2 kids, one of them twice, plus about $290 worth of medicine. So I'm thankful and feel for those who have to struggle it out, wrangle with insurance or make decisions like house and expenses or health.

debonaire

2008-02-09T21:39:00.000-06:00

One of the fun things from our Izzy days was offering extras. I liked to help with cutting or doing hair- although I am not particularly gifted in that area. For people who have no money to do extras like that, they just appreciate a free cut or styling, no matter that it's not totally professional.

Big Buddy has his own hair style- long and crazy. I've been teasing him for years that I could braid it for him. He lets me wash and trim it, but has very specific instructions for cutting it. This last week, words I never thought I'd hear came from his mouth- "I was thinking you could plat my hair" (braid it). So I got to slip into my hairdresser disguise and infiltrate his home where he had old photos strewn about and stories to share. It was like a little oasis after leaving my home of fevers and crying, whining children. He also wanted an electric razor, so while I was out restocking my tylenol supply and getting a second humidifier, I picked out his new pride and joy. He gave me a very sizable amount of money. I thought it was exorbitant, until I got to the razors isle and found out they actually do cost a small fortune- at least some of them do- the ones that Big Buddy was interested in do.

Big Buddy has funny ways. He'll use the same hole filled towels, socks and blankets for 30 years even though he has drawers of new ones given to him as gifts. But if he is buying some food or something he needs- he won't settle for the store brand, or anything but the best. I'm the opposite. I almost always make my purchase according to the price tag.

So, I bought what he would have wanted, spent all the money he sent me with and got him a super duper electric razor. It was worth every penny. He was beaming as I showed him the features and strutted out his chest, laughing and saying that he was a big shot now. He's pinched and saved all his life and now this somewhat extravagant, yet small item gave him such delight and made him feel so valued. Exactly how he should feel.

I told him I'd take his picture in the morning with his new hair do and a freshly shaven face. He told me he'd be frying me up some pork steaks.

Tott's treasures, vol.2- Moses

2008-02-08T15:53:00.000-06:00

My kids love rhymes, especially if they have actions, so I created this one about Moses for them.

Little baby moses (make a fist with one hand and wiggle the thumb)
Floating in the river (cup the other hand for the basket and put thumb in it moving along)
Rescued out
to be the deliverer (remove thumb from basket)

God's people were in trouble (shake hands in distress)
Moses was the man (hold up thumb)
To lead them out
To the promised land (march thumb in front of other hand with fingers extended)

Listen to God's voice (hold hand to ear)
He'll call you too (point to child)
He'll guide you
And help you in all you do.

under the weather

2008-02-08T00:10:00.000-06:00

I ran into Tiffany whose sister was murdered (Princess' friend) some 7 or 8 months ago. She says it's still so hard to deal with it and that the hardest part was that they hadn't even gone to court yet. I don't get it. A murder happens and they haven't even gone to court over half a year later? This is crazy. First of all, nothing will be fresh anymore- evidence wise. Second of all, this is a second brutality on the family- that they are just hanging, in limbo, with no resolution, justice or closure to the crime. I don't know a thing about the justice system, but this just doesn't seem right. Even for the boys next door, who got caught robbing cars, they still don't have a date set. How can they try to find a better path, never knowing when they will go to serve time, or if that will even happen, how long...?

On another note, half of the fair mother city is sick right now with the flu and our house is affected too. Agent B has been out of commission all week and A0#1 is running fever as I write. Sunday night, the kids and I stopped in on Frieda who was cooking up something. Vicky was there telling us about her upcoming doctor's appointment. She's 19 with liver problems. Of course, she says that her liver is shot because she had to take ibuprofen non stop when she broke her foot and "they" wouldn't do anything for it. A couple of days later, I stop over and find out that Frieda, Vicky and Jessie are all sick. The next day a firetruck and ambulance drive up. I wasn't sure who was going to come out. The kids and I had been dancing away and next door my neighbor was in distress. It turns out it was Frieda who was having problems breathing. She has bronchitis and is home now.

Big Buddy was at home freaking out because he knew Agent B was under the weather and thought the ambulance may have come for him. His greatest concern was that he wouldn't be able to get to the hospital to go see him. I'm glad those days are behind us, weeks on end of only getting to see Big Buddy in the hospital.

I don't like being sick or seeing anyone else sick. It's a good thing I never got into the health profession. Prayers for healing this way are appreciated.

Offended for me

2008-02-02T22:03:00.000-06:00

Jessie and her girlfriend, Vicky were on their front porch smoking cigarettes when I came out with the kids and their bikes. Across the street about 6 teens were walking by. Vicky hollers at them: "hey quit cussing, can't you see there are little kids around!" They blurt something back and Vicky retorts: "what did you say? You want a piece of me?". Practically asking for a fight, but they continue on and she looks apologetically at me telling me how it really bothers her when people act like that around kids.

I wonder what it was that bothers her... that she has been around crass/yelling/disrespectful people all her life and childhood (she's barely out of teenagehood herself), or that she doesn't have a whole lot of good fruit coming out of her own life, so she tries to make up for it with what she thinks I would want to hear when I'm around, or if she's genuinely concerned for my kid's exposure to cussing. I've always found it very weird when people apologize for other's behavior for me- because I'm the "church" person.

How is it that Jesus was so comfortable with the "lower class", no walls, no barriers, no perceptions that he was attacking them with his religiosity? He was so approachable, he broke down the barriers and walls and embraced us in all our harshness and rough exteriors (and interiors), while religion has built high towers to shield us from the "sinful people" of the world- where we can judge, disdain and bicker to our shame and folly.

Tott's treasures, vol.1

2008-01-29T22:46:00.000-06:00

My life has changed quite a bit since we've been back. I started keeping two extra boys (on top of my two), 3 days a week, so I have 2 boys age 3 a 1 1/2 year old girl and a 9 month old boy. Life's a grand adventure and certainly with this mix. Actually, I really think it's from the lover for us and the pay is real good too. The boys are pretty good, but most of all, I am learning a lot about raising kids and loving them and the inadequacies of my heart and life. It's hard not to face the underlying realities of my heart each day when with them. Children seem to demand honesty in us somehow. I am becoming more purposeful in our play and interactions and seeking the Lover more than ever on how to face the day, deal with issues and survive until 5pm.

The part I was most excited about- our "bible time" became the thorn in my spirit, the most difficult time of our day. The Lover showed me that I was trying to get reassurance from old Sunday school rituals instead of letting His Spirit lead the way. I was wanting to get my energetic foursome to sit, listen or discuss- to feast on a huge stale meal, while the Lord has instead been imparting perfectly timed, meaningful treasures in small bite sized pieces.

I'm not sure if it would interest anyone out there for me to share these treasures, but if they can benefit anyone- I'll start posting them. I love how these guys are taking hold of them. My oldest is age 3, so that and under is kind of the age they may be good for.

Tott's treasures, vol.1
I've never been crazy about the song "rock-a-bye-baby", so I made new words to the same tune:

Rock-a-bye baby
In the Lord's arms
With God in control
There are no alarms

Your treasures may break
Your tears, they may fall
But Jesus redeems
Our hopes dreams and all.

Same old, same old

2008-01-27T22:35:00.000-06:00

Princess was supposed to get out this past week, but alas she did not. I don't know all the reasons why because my only source for information is her mom- who never knows much of anything. I'm not sure if she has much contact with case workers and such or questions the system, her progress... Not to sound harsh, but I think she is comfortable with princess in the system, because then she is not held responsible at all for her. Mom seems to just get info from princess and princess' information is always spotty at best. I can't blame mom in any way. I think she was very poorly equipped for raising children, not having been raised very well herself and is kind of slow about things. It's a delicate balance. All three of her children (Princess included) knows that she is smarter than her mom and has abused that advantage in many ways and in a way laughed behind her back about it, but of course would be horrified and stand up to anyone who would suggest their mom is slow.

When I got back to the Fair Mother city, Jessie joined me on a short walk and I asked about her and her boyfriend. She said they were looking to buy a house. A week and a half later, she and her friend came with Frieda to Agent B's birthday party and I asked how the house looking was going. She informed me that they broke up again, that she moved back in with her mom (her friend came too). She said the reason was that her boyfriend took off for 3 days and nights and didn't even tell her where or anything. This is the pattern. This is the same reason every time that she breaks up with him. She's been keeping a couple of boys in the day and so have I (3 days a week), so we don't get to see each other as much as we used to. She doesn't hang out as much when she has a friend staying with her too. I'm not even sure how all to pray for her- it all just seems so depressing to me, but I know that the Lover would have so much more for her, instead of all the zig zag and boredom. I can see where our riches have really stolen a lot of life from us: in North America, it seems like people are either over busy or bored. A lot of people receiving disability or government checks tell me how bored they are. Lover- light her fire for you and may she discover the gifts, the abilities, the dreams you've placed in her heart. May Jessie, her friend and Princess become radiant in wholeness in you, find joy, meaning and life in you. Awaken their imaginations to what their lives could be.

eye drops and fried fish

2008-01-18T13:28:00.000-06:00

I've been at Obi-wan's (Big Buddy's) about every night this week. He is supposed to be getting eye drops in his eyes 3 times a day, so B goes in the morning and I go at night when B is bathing the kids. He could get his nurse to do the third time, but refuses to remind her, saying it's her job to think of these things. I told him it's his eyes that will be affected and not hers- but he's a stubborn man. It has been really nice to be there without my two kids causing constant distraction and mayhem- the tv does enough of that. Big Buddy keeps it several decibels louder than his voice, so I have to sit real close to him and pay attention, but when I do- oh the stories I hear.

The sad stories are the ones some 80 years old or so where he has grudges or unforgiveness. Then there are the beauties where he laments this or that and confesses to have done likewise, then there are the real gems where he explains to me how to slaughter a pig. I found out that the tenderloin meat is from the spine of the pig. Big Buddy has a dream that he can teach me to slaughter and cut up a hog. He got a great laugh when he saw the disgust on my face. He said it would be so fun. I said it sounded horrid. He corrected me saying it would be educational.

He told me how he never got to go to school much, only when it rained and he trudged through a mile of mud- no one else showed up because the mud was too bad, but Big Buddy was desperate to learn, so he went. Right now he is looking forward to being able to read his bible again. He said he hasn't been able to read it in years due to the cataracts and now that his eyes are getting well, he'll have new glasses made and be able to read again.
___________________________
MJ called to set up reading again, but I told her I just couldn't. I need my 2 with my kids after keeping 2 extra boys 3 days a week. She asked if I could make her up 6 months of homework and I told her I couldn't do that either. MJ and I have been meeting for years, but she is horribly inconsistent and when I made her homework, she wouldn't do it. I felt so bad telling her no, but told her she could use the old homework I had made for her and the books we had. I felt that I had failed her somehow, but she doesn't look at it like that, because she called me a little while later to update me on her physical ailments- she just found out she has type 2 diabetes. MJ has been so generous to my kids and I hope we will still be able to be friends at some level- even if it's just by praying for each other or running into each other.

new perspectives

2008-01-14T13:34:00.000-06:00

I was getting ready for my swim aerobics when an elderly lady with a walker says to me "oh to have a body like that!" I was just thinking how I needed to loose a good 10 to 15 pounds and how out of shape I was with not having exercised for a month through holidays. I told her that and she replied "I'm just skin and bones, be thankful you are so healthy". I never thought of my body as strong and healthy. We are so indoctrinated to see any extra weight or flabbiness as ugly and now I saw it as a sign of being blessed and provided for and young and strong. It gave me a spirit of thanks that I've rarely had over my body.
_____________________________________________________________

I was reading in the book and it said to sell your possessions and give to the poor. I was thinking about what that meant, when later in the day the Sandfords brought xmas gifts to us- little garage sale stuff, candy and cars for AO#1, candy and hair set for AO#2. The neat thing was that I was thinking that AO#2 could use a hand mirror for when I am doing her hair and these neighbors with so little just give of what they have or can acquire- always thinking of others. I want to be more like that.
_______________________________________________________________

We took the kids to a museum and at one point AO#1 starting screaming with joy "bum bums, bum bums!" There were tactfully drawn trapeze artists in all their muscular array and little else (body parts were more suggested than explicit), but it made me realize how freeing it is that sexuality is not some twisted, or shameful thing to children. It's just beauty and they know it. There is nothing complicated or hidden, just an innocent worship and thanks of what is truly magnificent- the human body.

Sonora in Boomtown

2007-12-25T15:51:00.000-06:00

The kids, Sonora, agent B and I visited a museum of my hometown through it's history. It goes back to the days of the aboriginal people on the plains, through the early 1900s and a few exhibits of more modern times. Most of it is in the early 1900s and is of the main buildings at that time: a typical home, church, school, store, train station, newspaper office, stable, blacksmith, RCMP barracks, farm machinery...

I was going around explaining to the kids the different tools and implements (that I know of) and was humbled by the fact that in many instances, Sonora knew of the old techniques and tools better than I. She didn't have to visit the museum to know how they dried fish, what it was like to live in a mud house, use an outhouse or sharpen knives on a stone- this was her life in the refugee camp of Ghana.

I feel for her and so many others who experience this season of togetherness and family separated- whether it be due to war, finances, politics or social reasons. We are meant to live in community and one of the most heart wrenching realities is that so many of us are separated from loved ones or are alone at some level.

Sonora's mom is in the US, her only sister is in Africa, her father and older brothers live here in the city, but due to the rules of CPS, she can't spend this special day with them. Her father came to give her a gift and spend some time with her, but they were not allowed to really be together. They are in a foreign country and home, each with so many levels of pain- painting on a smile today to make it through. There is some delight and joy today for them, but not far under that is very real heartache.

Lover- you came from perfection: perfect love, perfect home, perfect community into a world of chaos, pain and strife. You came offering your perfection, love, a home with you and perfect community. Come again. Go to those who are hurting and in pain that they may know You and the joy, love and peace that transcends this world and comes from you. May Sonora, her family and so many others be comforted in their losses and know that there really is reason to be merry today. You make all the difference. Bring your gifts of love and life once again.

a home for misfits

2007-12-13T20:08:00.000-06:00

This trip has been a real blessing so far. I didn't have any of my regular going home frustration dreams. In them, I am defending/arguing about church issues with one of my parents. I had none of those feelings of inadequacy or of religious judgement this time. I've also been seeing how my desires to help those in need and reach out to misfits has been birthed by my family.

The day of our arrival, my mom discovered that she would be a foster mom of sorts. Their church has also been reaching out to African refugees and one family has gotten into a situation with CPS. Sonora was taken from her dad and put in a foster home that was not taking care of her well. The mother in the States, whose sister my mom had helped, asked my parents to intervene. So, they are currently the caregivers of a pre-teen. As I reflected on this, I remember how my parents were always asking people to come to diner after church- not the regulars or close friends, but every visitor, any foreigners and otherwise unfamilied travellers were welcomed in. This is a normal part of their lives and has a added a lot of flavor and appreciation to our lives and home.

not a baby

2007-12-10T13:41:00.000-06:00

Mbamie, Pieter, their kids and sister stopped by last night to say goodbye and wish me a good trip. It was an exciting time since they had good news and I had good news. Pieter's face was filled with delight and he told me to guess what good news they had. My first thought was that they were pregnant. I mean he was wearing the same big smile people have when they are expecting. But if they weren't I would totally embarrass him by suggesting it and they wouldn't likely announce it like that. So I thought- what other news would give them smiles that big? Then it came to me...

"Did your suitcases come in?"
"Yes!" He shouted, all smiles and bubbling with excitement.

They arrived at his door last Friday and he thought of calling to tell me, but wanted to tell me in person, since they had already planned to stop by. Then Mbamie hands me a plastic bag with two dresses from Africa in them for me! I was stunned. This man was told to condense anything he wants to take for him and his family in two suitcases- all his possessions. And he still found room for gifts for others. I was very honored, not that I have a clue where I would wear these dresses- I can't stand dresses and one of them is very African and the other very flamboyant- both reminders of their great love.

My good news was that Jessie gave me her computer for them. I went next door asking if they have a computer to sell, since Frieda is always picking them up at garage sales for $5. Then Jessie says Pieter could have hers, that she never uses it.

Pieter was so excited! I hope it works well for him.

I'm at the feet of good teachers

2007-12-03T14:31:00.000-06:00

A conversation between me and my son (age 3).

Son- "We need lots of money"
"We do?"
Son- "Yeah, Jesus needs money. He fell off his donkey. We have to go to the paper store (the bank) and make money to give for Jesus".

One of my son's favorite stories is that of the good samaritan. In a children's version of it that we have, the man beaten had been on a donkey. If you tell the story like my son did, by morphing it with Matt. 25, it makes a powerful message. To love our neighbor is to take care of the one who is beaten down, robbed, left desperate and alone. To love God is also to love this same neighbor- what we have done for the least of these, we have done for him. Mamma T tried to have this same perspective as she ministered to the poor, to see herself as touching, feeding, comforting, loving Jesus- the lover being loved.

______________________________________________________________
Jenny was over the other day. I was trying to make a collage/picture for Mbamie commemorating the arrival of her husband, so I just let Jenny in, threw some paper, glue, markers and stuff at her and let her get creative too. She came to look at what I was making and I gave her a synopsis of the reunion. I told her how Pieter arrived here and that his luggage is lost and he barely has clothes. She then exclaimed:

"I wish I still had my $5. I spent it yesterday on rings for my brother and I, but I could have given it to him. I'll get another $5 someday though and then I can give it to him."

She went home and had to come back since no one was there. We told her she could eat supper with us. She then told me how she missed her friends Jason and Sally, that they used to cook ramen noodles for her. This was the kids who often went without food, water, electricity- and yet they shared what they had with others in need.

aclimatized

2007-11-29T23:29:00.000-06:00

Being from Canada, one of the things I find most hilarious is seeing adult's reactions to their first snow. My Jamaican uncle visited Canada once in winter and could not believe that people live in such cold. He kept saying that no one would believe him if he told them that his flesh could freeze.

Tonight, I saw Pieter, Mbamie's husband and asked him what he thought of the recent snow. He was amazed to say the least. The minute fall finally started to breeze through the Fair mother city during Mbamie's first year here, she kept telling me that they were going to die because of the cold. One time, I spotted a refugee outside of Walmart by their clothing alone. And no, they weren't wearing African attire. It was a fall day- no where near freezing, but a little cool and a lady waited for the bus with her daughter in parkas, shivering and acting cold. I told Mbamie she didn't want to visit Canada in the winter.

While the adults have a hard time adjusting, kids are so moldable! Persimons- Mbamie's daughter told me tonight "I want to go with YALL!" I told Pieter "that's not really English what she is speaking, but Texan". His eyes grew big and he looked at his daughter with pride. Here he is struggling to pick up passable English and she's already into localisms (with a cute accent).

He may be getting a job soon. He has a test to pass Monday. Please ask the lover to give him the answers/ability/whatever it is they are testing.

This n that

2007-11-28T23:30:00.000-06:00

The holidays are not all cheery, warm, lovely feelings amongst family for everyone. Meshell was really bumbed out as thanksgiving approached. Her dad had gotten out of jail a couple of weeks earlier. She had so looked forward to that day. They had written each other regularly while he was locked up and her conversations were always sprinkled with her delight about writing him or getting a letter from him. Then he came "home" to his current wife (not Meshell's mom) and has not called or visited his daughter Meshell who lives in the same small city. She had wanted to see him for thanksgiving, but he wasn't coming because he wouldn't come if his wife didn't go and she wasn't going to go. The logical reason that it would just be weird for an ex-wife and current wife to dine together does not fly. There are much bigger issues. When Meshell's grandmother died, Meshell, her mom, brothers and son moved in with her dad's current wife (while he was still locked up). Yeah, I thought that would be totally weird. Meshell and her mom, Maria outstayed their welcome from what I can gather. But they don't see it that way. In their mind, they were helping her out by having half a dozen people move in with her and them sharing their measly disability checks.

Upon returning to the Fair Mother City, I tried to call Meshell and see if she'd heard from her dad, or how her thanksgiving went and their phone is disconnected. That sucks. NO car, no phone really bites!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frieda and Jessie constantly have a friendship/hateship going on. It was rocky right before thanksgiving, but now they are cool with each other again. It was fun to see them throwing snowballs at each other- in their t-shirts and no gloves- just being silly and enjoying each other and the snow.
________________________________________________
Apparently my medicaid for the kids is not all resolved yet. I realized I have a WIC appointment next week and need the medicaid as a proof of income. I still haven't gotten the promised cards in the mail, so I went in to get temporary cards, holding my breath and whispering prayers. It paid off, because I got them without a hitch and to beat all, some medicaid lady even gave me a pest control kit while I waited to be helped. She said they were handing them out as some program. I thought that was a cool program- especially since there was no red tape. I signed my name so they could do a head count. Ah- if only all the programs were like that. It felt like it was just a nice blessing, not an ordeal to battle through.
______________________________________________

A friend of mine and her husband were wanting to give a cooked turkey and gifts to a family in lieu of doing their own gifts. She asked if I knew of someone who needed some help and I told her about Mbamie. It's awesome, because with her husband (Peter's) arrival, there have been a lot of extra expenses, including moving and having all the utilities transfered. He still hasn't gotten his lost luggage back and doesn't have a job since they have met major snags with delays in getting his arrival ID card. Mbamie was issued hers the minute she stepped off the plane here, but apparently more red tape was added and it can take 3 weeks, or for him, many months to get his photo ID, which will allow him to get a regular Texas ID. I called them today to make a list of things they need/want and instead of focusing on all that has gone wrong- Peter said that it has been like a big celebration with his coming. First thanksgiving and now this gift of a xmas for them.

dark night of the soul

2007-11-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

I just finished the book about mother Teresa, Come be my light. It was both challenging and disturbing. I have been challenged to love the Lover more, to seek Him more, to give Him all of me, or to at least try. I always thought that was just an impossibility- so why really try- but I was wrong. This woman really gave of herself and loved with all her heart, soul, mind and strength. I want that. I need that.

I was also unsettled by what she called her darkness. She lamented that for 50 years she felt nothing but spiritual dryness, darkness and the absence of the presence of the lover. She saw her suffering as delighting the lover in that she was joining him in the work of the cross, in his suffering, in his being broken and given out to others. I don't like that part. The pain part. The sacrifice part, the suffering and brokeness parts. And yet all of this is in scripture- take up your cross and follow me, he told us and Paul shared how his suffering was in a way completing the work of the cross, not that Jesus' suffering was lacking, but maybe that we are joining in that redemptive work when we too die to ourselves.

The part though that I don't get is how she felt rejected by God and abandoned by him. I know this has to be balanced out, because I don't think there were moments of nearness, but nothing like what she had known before she entered ministry with the poorest of the poor. Her spiritual counselors offered that she was learning what it meant to be poor of spirit too and without God so that she could identify with the lost.

I can't explain away what she felt, but I wonder if that is how it is and what we may come up against some day. Then I also wonder how all that lies in the face of scriptures that say he is with us always and that if we come to him rivers will flow up in us and we will not thirst anymore- or that those who thirst and hunger will be filled... So many scriptures saying how he avails himself to us so that we can feast on him- and yet here was this precious woman who gave him her all and he gave her back so little of himself- or so it seemed to her. What gives?

Anyone out there experienced this dark night of the soul, or years? What is it? What does it mean?
If you read it, was this what you understood? Does it bother you?

I have been feeling like God has been calling me to get off my butt, out of my cozy bed in the mornings, no matter how long I've been up and spend time with him- before the kids are up. So I'm confessing here that I have been horribly lazy in this, but need to put Him first in at least this one small way.

in the fair mother city

2007-11-19T23:48:00.000-06:00

In the fair mother city, this somewhat small Texan city, I am often mistaken for being Hispanic. I'm not even sure if that is the kosher name to use. Jessie calls herself Mexican, although she is far from being from Mexico- to her it's a badge of honor. Being part of a minority group is cool here among the youth- or so I take it.

To people's credit, I am of mixed lineage and do have a permanent tan- but that's about where the similarities end. I still get cracked up over Hispanic names- of course the funniest of which is "Jesus" pronounced "Hey Zeus". Check out who my cashier was one night. I laugh and want to crack jokes every time my friend calls- her caller ID is her dad's name "Jesus". I always think- "wow, Jesus is calling". I'm sure they don't think it nearly as hilarious as I do.

Like how everyone here snickers if I mention the Canadian city Regina (pronounced like vagina with an R).

Anyways- my newest funny story...

I was visiting with some Hispanic friends and mentioned that I'm going to Canada for Christmas. Lady says- "that's right, you're from Canada- that's why you have an accent- you aren't Mexican are you? I could tell- your hair is different- but Canadians don't look like you do they?"

So I explain that my mom is Jamaican. Lady's cousin asks- "So, can you speak Jamaican?"
"They speak English", I explain.
"So can you speak it?", he asks again.
!!!!!

You gotta love it! Our 90 year old neighbor can not be convinced that Canada is another country. Jessie doesn't think Mexico is another country either. I don't think she has ever been, but her brothers have, many times. However, if you ask them if they've been out of the state or country, they will tell you no. I mean Mexico is just a half dozen hours away and it flavors the Fair Mother city with people, language, food and the gentle rhythm of another place, oh so subtly and seamlessly that sometimes it's hard to tell where it starts and where it ends.

And while our city has adapted fairly well to our large Hispanic population, it balks at the otherly diverse people immigrating here. ESL classes are geared for Hispanics, as one small example. They have had to start rethinking how to reach other people too- and that's not always a bad thing.

His mysterious ways

2007-11-16T22:14:00.000-06:00

Secret Agent B's boss from the tree and pruning service is out of town- so no work. The supplier for him and Jack of all trades is also gone- so no work. Meanwhile, unexpected pay has come our way. A friend short changed me on some money last week when I babysat for her and I didn't want to call her on it. Agent B and I agreed I should just bring it up if she called me again to babysit. She called Sunday night. Her regular sitter was back from vacation, but was throwing up and she needed me another day. So I brought up the missing money. The next day, I got paid for that day, the missing money from the week before and she gave me flowers too. Then a friend wanted me to cut her hair and insisted on paying. I think it's fun to cut hair and I'm glad she likes how I cut it. (No I'm no hairdresser, by any means, although I got to be one with the Izzy group. That was totally fun- except the time when one of our regulars came in drunk with his head half shaved in splotches- that was funny and kind of sad).

So, today, I'm at the grocery store and run into a friend from our church and Izzy days. We visited and caught up on how her kids are. Later, she finds me again and starts telling me she wants me to buy a gift for AO#2- that she missed her birthday. (She's not at all close to us, so this is just super nice of her). I notice she has her hand out a little and is trying to slip me money. She asks about our common friend Jane, who was a "client" of Izzy. She is now in a nursing home, where GrammaYA, the kids and I visit her. Former church friend, with tears in her eyes explains that she just appreciates what we do- that not everyone can do it and she's glad we do.

My heart goes out to her. She loves the CEO and I believe wanted to serve a lot more and minister to the poor, but her husband is not a believer and already resisted her even attending church services with their kids yet alone branching out to do more. She was always generous to Jane, giving her gifts and sitting with her at club meetings. Her giving to us and loving us, was her way of reaching out to and loving Jane, who she can no longer go to see.

May the CEO set her family free to serve him wholeheartedly that this lovely woman may grace the lives of all those he sets on her path, husband included.

And thanks Lover of our souls for all this unexpected provision- another reminder that you are there for us through it all and that you do work in mysterious ways.

He was there, with us

2007-11-14T21:49:00.000-06:00

The CEO came in big time for us today. Basically Mbamie and her husband and her brother Mpastor and his wife (who recently came to the US) have been under a dark bureaucratic cloud since the spouse's arrivals. The cloud was under the hospices of government subsidized housing. There was a bunch of red tape that the newly arrived spouses were supposed to have jumped through, but immigration is taking FOREVER and both households were facing violations of their housing contracts. The manager was furious- and I mean furious. She was saying how she could loose her job, how their program was in jeopardy, how they could be fined all because these legally arrived refugees do not have all their paperwork in (through no fault of their own, but due to more bureaucratic none sense).

After venting, and seeing that the refugees have not done anything "wrong", after putting the fear of homelessness into them, the manager finally got on her phone and talked with a superior and they came up with a very doable and easy solution, so that the households could stay together. (They had been saying that they would have to evict the newcomers at least until the proper paperwork could be processed).

Mbamie and her husband did not sleep well last night. Apparently, in her housing contract, it mentions a fine of $10 000.00 and jail time for keeping people in the home who are not under the rent agreement. I scoffed at her, but she swears it's true and that people have not only been evicted, but the cops were called in to get them out for similar circumstances.

What was lunacy in this is that it's all meaningless. I understand that the manager needs to have her ducks in a row, but what they are missing is an ID so that she can run a criminal background check and a renters check on them. What they will find is obviously nothing! DUH, they just got here in the country. But she has to have her little papers saying she ran the checks or face troubles of her own.

What was beautiful in all this was how the CEO totally dismantled the bomb before us and smiled favorably on the families and kept them together, with some easy solution (a letter saying they are going to bring in the ID card when immigration gets it to them). AND how the refugees were so totally respectful and even thankful to the hard slamming manager.

They told her that she had treated them like a mother, that words could not express their thanks and may God bless her abundantly. Most Americans in their situation would have gotten angry back and given her the finger, instead, these refugees who love the King send blessing amidst their strife and even speak blessing over the system. They said they could understand how it was good to have all these rules, how in Africa no one follows rules and chaos ensues.

Thank you CEO for bringing right order- your favorable order and favor on us today.

Thank you, thank you Lover

2007-11-12T00:46:00.000-06:00

We got to go see princess this weekend and she is indeed a princess of the most royal of families. She is so different already. Even Agent B noticed that she is much more open, lively and happy. She didn't spend the entire visit griping about others or focusing on other's issues. She shared about some deep parts of her life and even admitted that it's hard for her to share, that she's bottled everything up all her life and is only now learning what it means to open up.

She is working on her GED while locked up and apparently has completed her biology and is now working on her history- which is amazing! She wants to keep working on it when she is "in the free" as she calls it.

Her release date is Jan.23rd if she completes her phases, which she is not doing very well on. She is still struggling to write her life story to share with her group. But she thinks they'll still send her home since her time will be up. I have no idea how it works, but the year is zipping by and it's hard for me to imagine that she will be out and an active part in our lives again after 2 years.

She has a lot of maturing to do- but she's 16. I had (and have) a lot of maturing to do too. She also seen and been through more in her life than anyone should have to face. And while she has a hard road to take, it seems a little brighter and a lot more positive with the Lover clearing her a path.

Tiers or Tears?

2007-11-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

Apparently we've been put on a new system called TIERS that everyone with medicaid will eventually be in. We spent another 2 hours in phone trees and on hold music. At one point a lady asked AGAIN if she could put me on hold and I told her please NO, that I had already been on hold for 1.5 hours and an hour the day before and I'd had enough of it. To her credit, she sounded understanding and e-mailed some guy she said was working on our case.

The guy called right away, which surprised me. Then he said that his job was to help people having difficulties with their cases. He acted like he was the super liaison and not the problem in the first place. I hope that was what he was, because I like to think nicely of people. To his credit, he didn't put me on hold, but actually conversed with me while his computer slowed to a stand still. He talked sincerely and we ended up discussing Canada, living there (he had worked there), Green cards, the cases he'd worked on with medicaid issues that day (where people were at the doctor with sick kids when they found out their medicaid was having probs.)

I'm not too sure about this new system. I have the sneaking suspicion that they are going to do away with the office here in Abilene and switch everyone to the computerized mega phone system. You can tell that all the workers on the phone were trained like other companies, giving their name and worker number, asking numerous times if they could assist me in anything else and trying to act like they were going above and beyond. I think the hours I spent on the line was actually due to the fact that their system is slower than molasses. It took them 2.5 hours and numerous people to figure out our paperwork just hasn't been looked over yet (since Aug. 21st). Several times, they had trouble locating our file in their system and the last guy to help us said everything was backed up in the scanning department. I guess if they are trying to scan all documents into a computer system for the ENTIRE state it would take a lot of time and make it all run slow. So that was our problem and now it's fixed and the final guy even gave me his name and direct line!!! No more phone tree for me.

But what about Mbamie or Meshell? How will someone hearing impaired deal with all that none sense? Or someone with language difficulties? I was trying to be nice even though my temper was boiling over because my biggest fear was that they would hang up and I'd have to start all over again. I guess everything new must be given time, but it's a little disarming that everything will now be done through such an impersonal system. On the other hand, helps service workers can often be total uncaring grumps. I hope in the long run this will be a greater help to those in need- but I'm leary of it. It seems there is less and less personal contact. No smiles, no ones eyes to look into, no more touch- just a bigger system to cattle everyone through.

can I have a flippin' phone number?

2007-11-06T22:52:00.000-06:00

Someone told us that maybe what we are going through is in a way getting our Phd in understanding people in poverty. This is by far the worst degree I've ever done. I've done a lot of school. Some people even think I'm kind of smart- have good people skills- can figure a lot of things out. But the hoops people in poverty have to go through are impossible I tell you- IMPOSSIBLE.

Our kids get Medicaid right now, which is a total blessing 'cause we don't have money. Medicaid can be awesome. They pay for everything- no worries- that is if you can get in and stay in. They make you renew every 6 months or so. But I'd figured we'd passed that unit- I mean we've probably filled out the same form at least a dozen times (I've helped the refugees fill them out too). We got a renewal form in Aug. So we filled it out and sent it in, as always- promptly (they give you 10 days to fill it in from the date they sent it- or something real regimented like that- you know another hoop for people with crazy lives and few resources to jump through). But for Secret Agent B and I, it's kind of a no brainer- we've got a copier/scanner computer even that we can zip our pay stubs through and we sent it off.

Then I got a letter in the mail, that made no sense. It didn't explain much of anything except it had my kids names, medicaid and denied on it along with other none sense, so being the smart person I am, I figured I should probably check into this unidentifiable paper. First problem- the phone number is some 2-1-1 number. I've been babysitting during office hours, so I have to make this call while watching 3 children under the age of 4 and after navigating their phone tree it tells me I have a wait no longer than 18 minutes (it was longer), but I eventually find a nice lady who looks up my info. and calmly tells me that my kids are no longer on medicaid- that they got our paperwork Aug. 21st, but it was never processed because their medicaid wasn't going to run out until the end of Oct. and now it's Nov.1st, so we automatically got a letter saying we are denied. (???) She didn't seem at all ruffled by this and said she'd transfer me to our local office, so that they could process our paperwork (RECEIVED AUG 21st). There was no nice recording saying how long the wait was- I think it was infinity. I hung up and decided to just make the call myself.

This is where I got really screwed up. While I know where their office is physically, I had 3 kids and no way to go there during office hours, so my only option was to call. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to find Medicaid's phone number. I am not joking. It's not on the kid's medicaid card, or in the phone book under governement like some phone tree told me. It's not under Taylor county, or Texas, or medicaid or Texas Human Resources and Services, not in the white pages or yellow pages. I finally went online and found a wrong number that at least told me to hang up and call *** (the right number).

There I reached Miss PMS herself. Apparently I am in a special system that only certain people in the office can look up and those people don't actually exist in person- they are just a name with voice mail that is never returned. So I call up Miss PMS again after leaving a message I'm not sure will ever be checked, to kindly ask if she can tell me the name of my case worker. She swears on a stack of Bibles that she can't look up anything, ANYTHING on my file.

So why do they have her answering the phones?- I wonder. And am I so dangerous that they have to put me under lock and key so that only some person with special credentials can locate my unprocessed file.

The good news is that my kids are extremely healthy, AO#1 is just getting over a double ear infection, so he's not due for another one in hopefully forever, they just got their yearly check-ups and aren't due for another year. Maybe by that time, we'll have this medicaid stuff figured out or perhaps the CEO will send provision for this and PLEASE graduate us out of this IMPOSSIBLE program. We get the message- being poor sucks- SUCKS! They have to be infinitely smarter than I have ever been.

They should make a new survivor show- survive as a homeless person, or a person with no car, phone, resources, or someone who has to be subject to the maniacal systems offered to people in poverty. The reward: homes, cars, phones, jobs, resources, for the best 100 friends they made on the streets and in poverty.
*****************************************************************
While I was in the horrid system of repeating mundane music, that was not nearly varied enough for an hour long call, I checked prices for flights to Canada for Christmas. (My family is flying us up). They had skyrocketed and none of the flight itineraries were even doable (12 hour layovers in Minneapolis for example). I was really distraught over it and kept begging the Lover for a solution through this. I was fighting with what I was seeing online and what I was knowing as experience in this faith walk of ours, that He always sees us through in all that we need.

I didn't even want to tell anyone of blog about it. I needed peace so bad. Then a friend offered us a vehicle to drive up if we needed to. Then I called my mom and she was at peace and said not to fret and just wait it out until after Thanksgiving and we'd figure something out (this from the one who called each week to see if I'd looked into flights). As I'm on the phone with mom, Agent B goes online and the prices are back to what they were, the flights were reasonable again, even favorable and His peace has returned to my head and heart.

Thank you Lover, for more than anything else, more than a program, or a flight, or a schedule or even food to eat, all we need is You and Your peace.
-signing out.

YES!!!!!

2007-10-26T21:01:00.000-06:00

I got a letter from Princess the other day. This in and of itself is monumental. She's been locked up 2 years and this is my second letter. The thing was, it didn't sound like her. She was opening up about her life, her desires to be married, the difficulties of dealing with her friend's death... I kept looking at how it was addressed to, thinking maybe she was writing a friend and accidentally sent it to me, but it was addressed to me (Big Sis). Then near the end she wrote something like "by the way, I got saved, love and kisses..."

My heart is doing cartwheels. My soul is doing a spirit jive. I am so filled with joy. This has been my #1 prayer for her since I met her, all these 9 years.

Yeah Lover! May she never let go or turn back. May she spiral and dive deeper and deeper into your greatness. May she KNOW that she is whole, and pure and lovely to you and desire you above all others all the days of her life. May she love others and be transformed, heart, mind, soul, body to your glory. May the great adventure begin.

In remembrance and in thanks

2007-10-18T21:54:00.000-06:00

I came home today to a little terror. That little terror was my son and he was in a fowl mood. Looking back, I should have done something about it at night, when he'd come to me terrorized by dreams of a crocodile on him- I shouldn't just have rolled over in tired slumbered, but prayed and warred over him. Then maybe we wouldn't have had to battle that croc. all morning.

He didn't want to change out of pyjamas or obey or listen or obey after time out, spanks or the paddle (our newest addition, which I am not too keen on, but have found it quite helpful as a last resort- except today). Even the last resort brought us to a miserable, crying fit standstill. As I held my little 2 year old angry, crying boy, I said we should ask Jesus to come and give him peace. Angry said he didn't want Jesus to come. So then I said we could ask the Holy Spirit for help- NO! came the beligerant reply. Exasperated, I explained that mommy needed a snack and did he want some too (the sneaky food decoy).

Then my son- possessed with some kind of evil, comes out with this kingdom treasure.

He said: we need to break bread like Jesus did.

So I cooked up a tortilla (our favorite bread to break) and poured some heavily diluted wine, took out our picture book bible and sat with my two toddlers in the kitchen and we prayed and ate and drank and took in peace and joy and forgiveness and love.

The day shone a little brighter and cheerier. The Lover had saved the day once again and there was peace and friendship in our home once again.

A couple had shared with our former church how they often took communion together, especially in tense moments or after a fight or argument and also how they welcomed their children to participate. That very morning I had read how the kingdom belongs to the little children, not to hinder them and that we are to enter like they do.

May this become my first response to these episodes. Thanks son for the reminder.

Sweet Sixteen Princess

2007-10-16T18:32:00.000-06:00

Princess celebrated her sixteenth birthday in jail Sunday. Nobody went to see her. I've had company and her family didn't find a way out there. This is her second consecutive birthday while locked up. I called her mom tonight to find out how their visit went assuming they had gone. She told me Princess asked her why they didn't ask for me to give them a ride out.

And why should I?

She doesn't write me. She doesn't reciprocate any kind of love, friendship or thanks. She puts on a total front of bravado and lack of emotions towards me. Maybe she really doesn't care if I'm in her life, unless it can get her something she wants, a visit from her family, a ride, diversion... I don't know.

All I know is that my Lover told me to give and give and give, to love even when it hurts, even when there is no reciprocation, especially when it's hard.

I've seen her from a little girl. I made a commitment to be in her life and to be there for her. The Lover gave me a dream that she would be among those rescued from deep darkness because of my involvement in her life.

I can not stop reaching out to her. I can not stop giving to her or loving her- no matter how she reacts or doesn't.

Why are some so offended?

2007-10-11T14:50:00.000-06:00

I snagged this video that was posted by http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif who does a stellar job at sharing the dilemmas of homeless people.

Some people have such violently negative reactions to homeless people and I just don't get it.