The funeral for Mbamie's baby was today. A few friends, family and the father attended. Mbamie didn't go. I was a little disappointed since I thought it would help her, but everyone mourns differently. She has not been sleeping and just got out of the hospital yesterday and is still on a lot of pain medication for the c-section she had Tues. so there is a lot going on in her mind/body and soul. We all stopped by at her place to see her after and I had a hard time recognizing her. She has lost a lot of weight in the face and her eyes were baggy which made her look more like her niece than herself. I have been encouraged by her husband's involvement. He seemed so aloof about the pregnancy, but it is obvious that his heart was really linked to this baby.

Before we went in to see Mbamie after her surgery and prior to seeing the baby, I was telling him about losing my nephew. He may have passed the night of halloween when I had AO#2 dressed up as a butterfly. After he passed, the Lord showed me a lot about butterflies, life and death, how the unborn child was like that worm in a cocoon and that now the baby was in his/her glorified state, so much more beautiful and free. Like the butterfly, the baby's presence would grace our lives by moments. The butterfly may flutter by, or even come to rest on our finger for just a brief, precious moment. Likewise, it's like that with those who have gone before us. They cheer us on and are a part of us forever. We think about them and it brings us closer to them and to the understanding of eternity. After we had spent some time with the baby, I noticed that the African cloth the photographer had given to the baby and wrapped her in had butterflies all over it (see picture above). I just knew it was the Lord echoing what we had talked about.

May the Holy Spirit meet Mbamie and her husband in their darkest time, give them rest and peace.
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Meanwhile, Mbamie's brother pulled me asside and told me their brother is sick, that nobody knows and that he may have cancer. His doctor recommended amputating his foot, but he wants another opinion. Meanwhile he has no insurance and is having troubles knowing where to turn to.

It's like this family escaped all the horrors of war in Ivory Coast and now they are still having to fight for survival.

In "recovery"- whatever that means

After another failed attempt to induce, the doctor did a c-section on Mbamie and she is now resting and trying to recover on the many levels where she is wounded. The family was very distraught, not only by the death, but also by the knowledge that this was their third baby (out of four) to suffer strangulation from the cord. The second baby was revived with prayers and is now 7 years old. The third child (the second to live) didn't have complications which the sister--in-law attributes to having fasted and prayed all throughout the pregnancy. So many unanswered questions and heartache. Pray for their peace, strength and health- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

The nurses brought the baby to the family and I was privileged to be there while some women took pictures for them and as we gazed at the infant's beauty. I wrote this out of the pain I felt for my friend and her loss.

Cries-a-lot
Gazes into her pot of sorrow
Tears cascading down her face
Causing her filled cauldron to overflow
Threatening to drown her

Haunting images flitter across the salty surface
Her small lifeless baby
Too small, too still
The immovable death sentence
Crushing her hopes, dreams and joy
In a single blow

Her arms are empty
Her home is quiet in the awkward stillness of mourning
Her mind is in shock and turmoil
Her heart twisted mercilessly
By her great love that spills out as endless tears

Her cries turn heavenward
Where each mutter, each groan, each tear, each cry
Usher in the baby's precious soul to her heavenly home
She is carried in by this love bleeding forth from hearts on earth
The Lover carefully and tenderly receives and embraces
The passion of His heart, the beautiful soul come so quick
Along with the intense heartache
He draws them to Himself and says "little one, you are dearly loved"

The Lover and infant daughter
Carefully wrap each note of mourning sent heavenward
They kiss them until they melt into a fine powder
They smell in their fragrance, marvel at the great love
And tremble under the depth of sadness
They stir in their own offerings of love:
Heavens laughter, eternity's hope, perfect love from a perfect realm
And blow back their remixed potion as responses to the cries of earth

Cries-a-lot can barely see past the chasm of darkness
The despair and heart wrenching pain
But sometimes a glimmer of hope assails her heart
She imagines a presence, a child's voice that sings
"I'm not so far, Cries-a-lot, just beyond the veil
Receive our love back to you
And know that one day all will be well"

The Lover wipes Cries-a-lot's tears
Carefully treasuring the pure love and heartache
Just as she carefully carries the baby's fragile shell
The remains
Buried in earth's ground
Along with a sprinkling of heaven's rain

He stirs her pot of sorrow with heaven's tears
Of compassion, hope and love
So that sometimes she is overcome with peace
And the incomprehensible knowledge
Under such depth of pain
That she is dearly loved
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Although this is what I felt in my heart, Mbamie is not in tears outwardly and that frightens me some, because I know her as an overly dramatic woman, yet since she heard of the death, she has become like a wall. I know everyone deals with sorrow differently, so I want to allow her the space to grieve as she will and have time for her grieving, but I also pray that she will not lose her will to connect or be among the living with this traumatic blow to her heart. While she seems to have shut down, her husband, who seemed aloof during the pregnancy, has been the one who cried out, looked at the baby, held her, and tried to reach his wife with their common love for the baby. They have actually been through this situation before, but I think what is different is that Mbamie may have thought that the chapter of horror on their lives had ended and they had turned a new page, yet here, the past haunts them again in this new life.

Lover- please ease their pain.

the torturous wait

Mbamie is still waiting to deliver her deceased baby. They attempted induction last week, but did not succeed and are in the process of attempting again. We are all exhausted. I can not imagine the pain Mbamie and her husband are dealing with, and she still has the worst of the physical pain to affront. Keep them in your prayers, that the Comforter would meet with them and walk with them through this most difficult of situations. The hospital staff, nurses and doctors have been very compassionate, which the family has really appreciated. Right now some of the shock has worn off and the focus is on the delivery. I'm sure with that a whole heap of emotions, questions and pain will surface in the next phase of trying to face life without this precious being among us.

the valley of death

Mbamie and her husband are in need of your prayers. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, but since she has been in pain with swelling in her feet, I offered that she go with me. There are many reasons why she should not even have been seen, but things kept working out for her to go, then the doctor happened to show up when he was supposed to be gone, then we asked if he could just do her regular appointment (that was for next week), since we were already there. It was at that point, we found out that her baby had died. Probably as early as that day or the night before. She is at the hospital now being induced and I have the four kids today. They have no idea when she may actually start having contractions since she is pretty early (about 28 or 30 weeks along). Mbamie and her husband are really shaken up by this and it will be a tough few days, weeks, months...

The CEO calls His Presence the comforter. May He go to them now in their darkest time of pain. They also lost their first born the day she delivered him, so this is also dredging up that pain- which was all due to incompetency on the staff in Africa at the time. This death, the doctor assured her, could not have been prevented. They may never know the reasons why, but she was already being monitored with the utmost care and nothing had ever signalled that the baby was in any kind of danger. Please pray for their peace, faith, sense of aloneness and her feeling of being targeted with all sorts of evil. She kept saying over and over: "why is it always me?"

a connection?

I realized as we go through these potty issues with AO#1 that these trials may be in answer to my most ardent prayer, or at least may be being used to help answer my prayer. My prayer has been for my children to come into relationship with the CEO, to talk to Him as helper and friend, lean on Him, find strength in Him and know Him... AO#1 has had a definite aversion to talking with the CEO, but through his potty struggles is learning to cry out to the CEO for help and thank Him for each success. This is such a major deal and I realized that I needed to thank the CEO for our trials because they cause us to turn to Him. The potty struggle and insecurities in AO#1 also made me realize how totally ill equipped I am to know how to help him in this and that the CEO alone can guide us and strength us in this. I think this is part of being poor in the spirit. That phrase has always baffled me, but I see how our lack of resources has made me draw closer to the CEO, depend on Him and call out to Him. Then when we have had resources, we are so much more thankful and cognisant of the gift they are (not anything we have done, but real priveleges we enjoy by the grace of the Lover). Likewise, parenting can cause us to see our very real poverty in knowing how to help our kids grow into all they can be. As soon as we seem to have figured out a method or tactic, the child either grows out of it or we have another totally different child who doesn't respond the same way. The only way to possibly come through this mine field intact, with children who are full of love is to turn to the CEO and allow Him to guide the way, for the parent and for the child. Thank-you Lover for our lack that causes us to know that it is not us, to turn from our self-reliance and cast ourselves on your mercy, grace, great love and abundance.

Other praises to the CEO. Meshelle finally got her ID card, so now she can get social security cards for her and her son, as well as a bank card, library card... (all of which were lost/stolen a year ago, so that her life has been in turmoil and stalemates ever since).

Mbamie's tests all come back well, so the initial scares are not affecting her or the baby. However she is in intense pain as her legs and feet have swollen. The sad thing is that she could manage to leave work if it were not for her car payment and she is still 3 + years from finishing with that. America has taught her well. She came in with debt (the government brings refugees over, but makes them pay back their airfare) and now she is being strangled by it. Maybe I can tell her there is a better way. Maybe she could trade it in for something she could pay off now or sooner.

prayers for AO#1 and us

We would appreciate prayers for help in knowing how to guide AO1 through his issues. He has been having troubles with using the potty and has become fearful in many circumstances, plus has comfort issues, like clothing or sweat bothering him. I think that part of this is his personality, but we are trying to help him be able to face situations with confidence or at least peace and be able to join in socially to activities as well as. It has been very stressful on me as I've not known how to assist him and I see him struggling and in torment over things small or more important.

Your prayers for us and him are appreciated.

the wedding

Last weekend we got to experience an "African wedding". I put that in parenthesis because noble attempts were made to make it American, but since all the wedding party and guests were African, their culture shone threw. At the last minute, I was cajoled into translating the affair, much to my dismay. But with much prayer, the CEO rescued the day. When I went to the rehearsal, I discovered that a long time friend was officiating. We'd known him for ages, since I first landed in Abilene, and Agent B since before then. He was likewise relieved to discover that he knew the translator. My ardent prayers were answered when he e-mailed me his sermon, the vows... in English to me. I spent all morning making sure I had an idea of how to translate it, looking up words and even calling the African family to confer and select together the appropriate terms.

The funniest part was that they had an American wedding coordinator trying to make things run smoothly. Americans and Africans have differing ideas as to what is smooth. At the official wedding time, there were only about 10 guests in the chapel- Agent B, my kids and some other white American folk who think weddings start on time. The maid-of-honor hadn't even arrived, the bride and flower girl were there, an hour after their expected arrival. 40 minutes late, the chapel is filling with people and the coordinator tries to launch the wedding. She gets the bridesmaids and groomsmen in place and discovers that the maid-of-honor is not dressed or ready. The maid-of-honor's husband says that she has another 5 minutes to start getting ready. The coordinator goes to the brides dad and brings him in to convince the maid-of-honor that it's time to get dressed.

Finally the processional commences while guests continue to arrive. It's total mayhem. The most beautiful and moving part was when the bride came out. The lively African sounding song had this huge crescendo, the bride walked out on her father's arm, everyone stood and started making these incredible frolicking yells of victory. It was so incredible. I was in tears, trying to compose myself knowing that a couple hundred eyes would soon be turned my way.

Everything went well and without too many problems. Since we were so late, the wedding coordinator tells all the guests to go immediately to the reception instead of waiting several hours as was the original plan. We doddle a bit and show up a little before the original time as the coordinator had said and waited for the next couple of hours for people to show up. Everything was horribly "late", people were hungry, dancers came out sporadically, everyone had changed clothes for the reception as well as the bride- the bride's dresses were gorgeous gowns, the guests wore everything from fancy African outfits, to shimmering gowns, to jeans and t-shirts. The bride wore two or three different gowns at the reception and I later found out had another to wear that she didn't because of time. We left at 10pm since our kids were beyond tired. Mbamie told me she was there until 3am cleaning up. It was lively and beautiful, a real African affair!