My toddler teacher

For the last three weeks, the kids and I have talked about and done activities based on the three persons of the Trinity. Last week was the Holy Spirit, who I think is the least talked about of the three, the least understood, the least sought after and the most critical in our day and age. Jesus said to let him go because he was going to send the Holy Spirit who would instruct each of us. I think the Holy Spirit is intimidating to us, at least He is to me, because I don't like to die to myself and too often I am not praying His will be done and let me know you more, but what is He going to ask of me? Will I fail? Can I do it? I don't like dying to myself... And yet that is the essence of living, it is in the dying and giving.

We can't spend much on Christmas gifts, but we try to give something small to family and friends, something homemade maybe or meaningful to show our love. We also try to encourage the kids to be generous. I was thinking we should give something to the kids I have kept for the last year and asked AO#1 and #2 if they wanted to give something. AO#1 said he wanted to give the older boy his grabber. I couldn't believe it. He just got this for Christmas, from his nanna no less and it's his favorite gift. The boys fought over it just last week. I kept asking him, are you sure you want to give that? You can't take it back once you give it. It won't be yours anymore... I even got a small item from the dollar store as an alternate gift (which was most likely my flesh, because I am not the best giver and have a hard time giving things away). As I wrapped up the gifts, AO#1 added a stuffed animal of his (again one of his favorites), then went around the house looking for things to give to his friends. He brought me the grabber and told me he wanted to add it to the gift. I asked agent B what he thought (still being stingy) and agent B said he did not want to discourage generosity. Then he asked AO#1 why he chose that toy and the 4 year old's reply was that the Holy Spirit told him to give it. He gave his best, his favorite and is jumping for joy, so excited for his friend to make the great discovery of such a great gift. That's the kingdom and that's why the Lord said it belongs to the children. Even as I struggled with my flesh, I heard the Lord say to me: "would you keep your son from loving me like this?" Pure worship, pure love. I want more of that.

at home with each other

Last weekend, Agent B had a gig, so the kids and I headed over to Big Buddy's. It was one of the most incredible times with him ever. There was nothing spectacular. The tv was blaring, but at least nothing horrid was playing this time. A0#1 watched some of the football game while we visited and played. AO#2 was more interested in her 91 year old, wheelchair bound friend. She loves to keep him involved. He has a bell she likes to ring, but after she rings it, she always brings it to him to ring. We often bring toys. If she brought a doll, she wants him to hold it, which is comical because he is visibly uncomfortable with a doll, but holds it anyways in an effort to please her.

This visit, we had brought hockey sticks and a ball. At one point, AO#2 gave Big Buddy a hockey stick and sat on the floor gently rolling the ball to him so that he could hit it back to her. Their obvious love and joy at this simple game was enthralling. Then he got a magnetic pad and pen and tried to give her writing and drawing lessons. His hands are horribly clenched with arthritis, but he diligently drew stick figures and shapes, numbers and letters for her to copy. Being 2 years old, all she made were circles and doodles, but it was so beautiful to watch him offering her his knowlege and experience, through his obvious difficulties to share with a moment in time with her.

I've often thought that he gets better physical therapy and interaction through the kids than through anything else. Children and the elderly were meant to interact. There is something deeply spiritual about both of their existences. I had never felt so at home, at peace and content as in that moment. It was as if heaven had opened up and given us a taste of true love. I guess that's why it says the kingdom of heaven belongs to children. Somehow they have a way of opening up another place to us, a better place.

Little praises

Mbamie finally passed her driver's test! It was a monumental task for her to get through the learners and the driver's has been just as hard, but she finally did it. Now there is a possibility for her to get an easier and better paying job once offered to her on the local air force base. She has done so well to persist with this and I'm proud for her accomplishing this. Even her husband doesn't have a license. She is a very smart woman, but being practically illiterate even in her own language makes life so tremendously difficult. It is a real disability, that has nothing to do with intelligence, but life circumstances can just lead to issues like this. She for one has never been to school. Hard to believe coming from this side of the planet since she is only in her mid-twenties.

Also, Meshell's son made the A-B honor role. This is so awesome as he has a ton of obstacles as one living in poverty to overcome so that he can excel in a classroom environment.
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I don't usually do this, but I have stumbled across a couple of amazing movies at the library. They have opened the world to us and so I wanted to share our discoveries.

China Cry is based on the true story of a woman who grew up in China, and had a privileged life until communism came. She came to faith more through harrassment by the government than through the Christian private school she attended. She goes to an underground church that agent B said " now that kind of church, I could get into". It is a moving tale of the persecution she endured as well as the graciousness, power and provision of the CEO in her life.

Water is a heartbreaking tale exposing the treatment of widows in India during the time of Ghandi. The main character is an 8 year old widow how is sent to live with other widows- as according to their religious beliefs. It powerfully shows the need for love, care and justice above religious tradition.

10 years completed

I came here 10 years ago to study missions and pursue a relationship that seemed to have been orchestrated by the CEO of the universe some years earlier. I had my plan- 2 years of school, some money already being raised for me to head to French West Africa. I had some very close friends who were interested in going where I was interested in. It seemed perfectly set, until the CEO told me to marry the man he'd brought into my life (agent B), who was not at all interested in going to Africa to do missions. I felt like the CEO was calling me to take the biggest leap of faith of my life (really agent B and I hardly knew each other and had no similar interests, except the CEO, totally different plans... we would have failed every pre-marriage compatability test I'm sure). I had felt the Orchestrator taking me to the story of Abraham since B and I first got back into communication. He was saying- "will you give up the dream/the promise in obedience to me?".

So we wed. I gave up foreign missions and my friends headed off without me. At the time, I had a small incling that my match with my good friends in ministry would have been disastrous as the Lord was leading B and I into things of the Holy Spirit that the team was not comfortable with. Within the first year of marriage, I knew that the CEO had fashioned B and I to be incredible life partners and He also lead both of us into local ministry we loved with the Izzy group.

About 5 years ago, life for the Izzy ministry started a dramatic change and since that time, Agent B and I have found ourselves in a ministerial/spiritual/social desert of sorts. It has been a time of stretching, growing and seeking out the CEO and questioning.

About a month ago, I was contacted by someone very excited about heading to Africa, to the place where I was going to go. Unbeknownst to them, they opened up inner turmoil in me as I watched a video of my friend's ministry flourishing all the while we sit here going- what the heck are we doing in the fair mother city? They had changed lives, started fellowships of believers, shared with those who had never known the love of the creator and that would have been my life. It was weird seeing it all, but the CEO was at work again, to reassure me of the path I've been on.

We came into contact with another missionary friend who has been in China, trying to get into North Korea. She is in the US now, struggling to find support, going through her own desert experience and being stretched. She commented how missionaries in China set up their little US haven home on foreign soil and didn't really live like the locals- which we both believe in and she is contemplating doing here in a US inner city.

Short weeks after that visit, my friends from Africa came through town on furlough. I was excited to see them and am sincerely happy for what the CEO has done through them. But the CEO was so wise and gracious in this meeting. I discovered that like the missionaries in China, they had a lifestyle so unlike the Africans (which is a "normal" missionary practice). But it also dawned on me that they had a very privileged life according to US standards too- house help for example. I can not criticize the team because I'm not sure that I would have done differently, but I was overcome with a peaceful knowlege that this was not the life for me.

The CEO has given me a great husband and family. We have had meaningful experiences and relationships in the Fair Mother City. The CEO has led us all along and then He was so merciful in giving me closure about this jaunt in my life. The Africa dream was not of Him for me. He had a different path for me and I am glad for it. I still feel like there is a purpose that we have yet to accomplish for Him, but I have closure on what I came here to do. I had the text book education and both Agent B and I learned in the trenches. This home has been a good place for us, learning about people in poverty, the culture, the friendships, love and lessons experienced. To beat all, the CEO has been gracious in giving us family and dear friends through it all and He has not been eroneous in directing us.

I had been apprehensive about coming face to face with my past, but the CEO was so gracious to shine a light and show me not to fear, but to know that He has led the way. This gives me confidence for the future, knowing that each day, month or year may not seem clear, but that He is faithful as we seek Him to take us where and to whom we need to be- to Him be the glory.

HALLOW-een

Our kids are ages 4 and 2 and they went bezerk over the joy of halloween. They liked the candy of course, but more than that was the dressing up and the sense of a city-wide party. I know that a lot of Christians object to the holiday and a friend told me they didn't let their kids participate because it is not Christian. When I heard that it made me sad, because I found so many ways that the CEO spoke to us through it. I am so thankful first of all to the Spirit for even giving me inspiring ideas, because He is the one who helps me guide our children to ways of truly living. Our family's philosophy is to be "in the world, but not of it" and the sad thing is that many Christians do not realize that most modern day "christian" traditions are rooted in the pagan Greek realm of dealings in a court setting (see Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola). So if we are going to protest pagan roots, the first place we need to start looking is at our own church organizations and evaluate them first. But I am not here to condemn how others may feel about it. We are all different and that is part of the beauty of the body of Christ. But we did glean a ton this year by going out and joining in the fun.

First of all, we got to meet a new neighbor who had moved in on our street. Then there is the sharing. Kids were giving my young children their own candy before we had left our own sidewalk. My kids were also excited to give, share and meet others- but were indeed frightened by the "scary people in costumes". They kept asking me at each house if they were "good guys". And AO#2 kept saying "he looks different". Thus we were able to have a great talk about being kind and not frightened of people who are different from us, who look or talk different- that the inside is what counts. The person may have looked aweful, but he was generous, giving and kind- which is more important than looks. We also talked about spirits and the Holy Spirit as well as death and how we don't have to fear that either. It is one of the few times that people open their doors and at least say "hi" and share something with a perfect stranger. Yeah, I'm not crazy about all the gore and horror of it, but there are kids in the world who see much worse than a costume, they are living in the horrors of war and real injuries, real terror, real death and it's important not to shy away from the ugliness, but to teach our children to be courageous, loving, accepting of others who are different and giving.

I think many times followers of the Lover shy away from the world because of differences, but so often these differences can lead us smack dab into the heart of the gospel, into spiritual matters, open communication, discovery and reality.

chance happenstances

I had a huge longing to know how Princess was doing, but didn't feel like I should try to contact her, that it's important that if there is a move to be back in relationship, that it would come from her. I knew her birthday was coming up and wondered about her and her aunt. I had a car full of kids and an errand to do- I had planned to make lasagna and was out of noodles! So I hauled them in the store and went down the only aisle I needed and there she was! Princess and her family picking out pasta. My heart soared to see her and I gave her a hug and asked her how she was and how her aunt was. She said she was "busy" looking for a job (it's been a 9 month search so far) and that her aunt is better. I was just so thankful to see her. I wish there was more victory in her life and pray that there will be a day when she walks in the life of the Lover. I was so thankful for this "chance happenstance" just to see her and for my heart to be somewhat at ease.

Grandma Nelly and I took the kids to see our friend at a nursing home North of here and it was a good thing we went that day too, since we found out she had been in the hospital. We've told them to inform us if she is put in the hospital so that we can go out to see her, but her nursing home never does. She has no family and gets really upset being in the hospital. We were glad by another "chance happenstance", we ran into her social worker while there. The woman really seemed to care for our friend and offer her love and real attentive care to her.

I was proud of Meshell the other weekend. We had invited her and her son to AO#1's party and that day she called me for a ride, as I had expected. I told her that she needed to walk. It is a good little hike, but I've done it numerous times with small kids in strollers or wagons and the weather is not a discouragement here. Plus I know that she has walked to the convenience store not too far from us and we were just swamped with all the preparations. I was fully expecting that she wouldn't come, but they did! Sometimes it's hard to know when to help and when to just spurr her on to be independent.

prayers and visions

Agent B prayed for rain as we thanked the Lover for supper and before we had were done eating a luscious rain was falling. We thanked the Lover again. All this means a lot to a child. We were reading a new book to AO#1 in which a boy was given several dinosaurs as pets. AO#1 wanted to have a baby dinosaur like in the story and proceeded to ask the CEO for one. I told him he couldn't have a baby dinosaur, that they don't live anymore, but he prayed all the louder. So, I started praying right along with him. As he said "Lord, PLEASE give me a baby dinosaur", I prayed "Lord, PLEASE don't give us a baby dinosaur". We tried to outshout and pray each other until it all ended in laughter. Since AO#1 can't type, I have one up on him- "please CEO, no dinosaurs, just one healthy daughter come Jan. please."

It has been a bit nerve racking since I was with Mbamie when she lost her baby, and my sister has lost a child and I've heard of dozens of others. I try not to get fearful, but this baby does not kick much or real strong and I'm so busy sometimes that I often wonder if she's kicked that day or enough, or how she is... The other day I was anxious about it and not at peace and impatient with my family, so I finally said to them "come pray over my belly, so that the baby will be ok and that I will have peace about her". No sooner had they stopped praying, the baby was giving me some good kicks and the Holy Spirit was telling me to just chill and lay my burdens on his lap. Why do we live with fears instead of just sharing them from the get go? I hope I learned my lesson. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help.

Mbamie is doing much better. She still has some physical pain, but all the symptoms are getting less severe. Her emotions are up and down, as can be expected. But the smile is creeping back into her voice. Thank you CEO.

Meshell and I have been seeing each other a lot more. I take the kids to library reading time and pick her up on the way. Being a friend to her has it's times of frustration. Taking her somewhere is inevitably a way more complex thing than it seems at first, but the library is not so hard and she really enjoys getting materials for her, her son and her mom. Reading can open up so many worlds, so I'm excited for her too.

AO#1 has been drawing close to the Lover in many ways, so that has been exciting. He has told me that the Lover has told him He loves him, that he's precious and cute. This morning in the dark, as we sought out the Father, AO#1 kept exclaiming that he saw fruit on the tree in the front yard. The tree has been a lesson for us in many ways. When we moved here, a dying mesquite loomed large in the same place. It didn't provide shade, except from the massive trunk and when it started to drop branches over the driveway and sidewalk, we new it was time to cut it down. We have planted no less than 10 trees in our yard (no it's not that big, but the trees all died except a peach tree, that gave us delicious fruit for the first time this year). Then one day a tree came up all on it's own. It grew faster and stronger than the "fast growing shade tree" we planted 10 feet from it (and died a couple of years later). It is a fruitless mulberry tree, but AO#1 "saw" it with fruit on it. The amazing thing is that Agent B has been praying for fruit this entire year since Jan. I think this is the most exciting part by far of parenting- to see the Spirit speaking through or to our children and learning from them is truly amazing.