10 years completed

I came here 10 years ago to study missions and pursue a relationship that seemed to have been orchestrated by the CEO of the universe some years earlier. I had my plan- 2 years of school, some money already being raised for me to head to French West Africa. I had some very close friends who were interested in going where I was interested in. It seemed perfectly set, until the CEO told me to marry the man he'd brought into my life (agent B), who was not at all interested in going to Africa to do missions. I felt like the CEO was calling me to take the biggest leap of faith of my life (really agent B and I hardly knew each other and had no similar interests, except the CEO, totally different plans... we would have failed every pre-marriage compatability test I'm sure). I had felt the Orchestrator taking me to the story of Abraham since B and I first got back into communication. He was saying- "will you give up the dream/the promise in obedience to me?".

So we wed. I gave up foreign missions and my friends headed off without me. At the time, I had a small incling that my match with my good friends in ministry would have been disastrous as the Lord was leading B and I into things of the Holy Spirit that the team was not comfortable with. Within the first year of marriage, I knew that the CEO had fashioned B and I to be incredible life partners and He also lead both of us into local ministry we loved with the Izzy group.

About 5 years ago, life for the Izzy ministry started a dramatic change and since that time, Agent B and I have found ourselves in a ministerial/spiritual/social desert of sorts. It has been a time of stretching, growing and seeking out the CEO and questioning.

About a month ago, I was contacted by someone very excited about heading to Africa, to the place where I was going to go. Unbeknownst to them, they opened up inner turmoil in me as I watched a video of my friend's ministry flourishing all the while we sit here going- what the heck are we doing in the fair mother city? They had changed lives, started fellowships of believers, shared with those who had never known the love of the creator and that would have been my life. It was weird seeing it all, but the CEO was at work again, to reassure me of the path I've been on.

We came into contact with another missionary friend who has been in China, trying to get into North Korea. She is in the US now, struggling to find support, going through her own desert experience and being stretched. She commented how missionaries in China set up their little US haven home on foreign soil and didn't really live like the locals- which we both believe in and she is contemplating doing here in a US inner city.

Short weeks after that visit, my friends from Africa came through town on furlough. I was excited to see them and am sincerely happy for what the CEO has done through them. But the CEO was so wise and gracious in this meeting. I discovered that like the missionaries in China, they had a lifestyle so unlike the Africans (which is a "normal" missionary practice). But it also dawned on me that they had a very privileged life according to US standards too- house help for example. I can not criticize the team because I'm not sure that I would have done differently, but I was overcome with a peaceful knowlege that this was not the life for me.

The CEO has given me a great husband and family. We have had meaningful experiences and relationships in the Fair Mother City. The CEO has led us all along and then He was so merciful in giving me closure about this jaunt in my life. The Africa dream was not of Him for me. He had a different path for me and I am glad for it. I still feel like there is a purpose that we have yet to accomplish for Him, but I have closure on what I came here to do. I had the text book education and both Agent B and I learned in the trenches. This home has been a good place for us, learning about people in poverty, the culture, the friendships, love and lessons experienced. To beat all, the CEO has been gracious in giving us family and dear friends through it all and He has not been eroneous in directing us.

I had been apprehensive about coming face to face with my past, but the CEO was so gracious to shine a light and show me not to fear, but to know that He has led the way. This gives me confidence for the future, knowing that each day, month or year may not seem clear, but that He is faithful as we seek Him to take us where and to whom we need to be- to Him be the glory.