She finally did it

Mbamie finally passed her learner's permit test. Quit laughing. I know this is supposed to be pretty easy, but it was so incredibly hard for her. I really think she passed by some mistake of the DPS lady as she was putting in Mbamie's answers. This was her 7th try to pass the test. I've translated for her for the last 3. We've studied, gone over info, any time I was with her in the car we went over rules of the road, we got her failed test back the second time to find out the correct answers...

She's pretty much illiterate in her own language. She has limited English skills. Very poor paper/book learning skills. No understanding of how to write tests, what are multiple choice questions, why they keep changing the test on her...

We were all praying including her husband in Africa, her, me and others. I almost gave up on the 1st page. We had just gone over one of the answers she got wrong on the last test while driving over. It was raining and the question was about slippery roads- can't get much more hands on than that- unless she was behind the wheel! Lo and behold, the first question was what we'd just talked about- AND SHE ANSWERS IT WRONG. As well as the next 2 questions. There are 30 questions, about 5 to a page and I almost told her we may as well hand it in after page 1 and give up. She had many other missed answers on other pages and you're only allowed 9 errors, so really I think some funny math got her through. We are just so happy she made it!!! She said one refuge in Dallas did the test 26 times.

Now she can learn to drive- which really terrifies me. Her siblings are horrible drivers and they passed the test the first try. Sometimes when they come to my house I tell them to go back and repark the car since it's sticking way out in the road at an angle. The teenagers next door, who have been driving since they were about 12 laugh at my friends when they attempt to drive up or park. I think these same siblings are going to teach Mbamie to actually drive now. Lord help us all- seriously.

But there is no other way. Public transportation in the fair mother city doesn't work for people with jobs and kids and only 24 hours to the day. It takes 2 hours and a trip back to the terminal to get anywhere. Half the time you could walk faster- but what do you do with a sick 3 year old and no ride to the doctor's an hour's walk away? (true situation)

Bored???

I was talking with Meshell and asked about her day which she said wasn't very good. I asked her why and she said she'd been bored. I remember being bored about twice as a teenager, maybe a few more times than that in adulthood- then never again. I always have a pile of books I'd like to read, recipes I'd like to try, play time with the kids, the time sucking world wide web, arts... I'm not saying this is a good thing. I think most of our society errs on the end of unhealthy busyness, filling our lives up with stuff (material and activities) so that we don't have to deal with the uncomfortableness of our raw selves, of being alone with the Lover, of surrendering, repenting, being challenged to change...

But many of the people I have met from the poverty culture live in this very different arena of boredom. Mostly these are the ones with some fixed disability income that gives them enough to survive, but not enough to do much of anything else.

My heart weeps for her and those caught in boredom, because I know the Lover calls us to so much more. Neither do I want to be trapped in busyness. I think this is one of the reasons we need each other.

Lover, give Meshell and my other "bored" friends passion for you and help them find ways to live fully and abundantly as you have called us to and may I lay down the pursuits that are not of you, that are unhealthy distractions keeping me from the fullness of life.

flying high!

Big Buddy's home, Big Buddy's home, Big Buddy's home!!! We are so totally excited. This is just momentous. I mean it's been almost three months since he's been gone and he wasn't home long before that and another stint in the hospital. I'm so glad he's home and that his son is there to take care of him, which is a total work of the CEO. The last visit he made didn't go well, and we'd prayed that they would be able to come to a healthy and good place in their relationship. This is miraculous that they are together and at least tolerating if not openly loving. I think Big Buddy recognizes that this is pretty huge, his son laying down his life to be here for his dad (who wasn't really present as a dad during his growing up). It is definitely a sign of love that the son is here for him now (although there are some underlying weirdness as causes too, we'll focus here on the positive).

It will be different visiting Big Buddy than as we knew him and it has nothing to do with him missing a leg. The son is weird. At first I thought he didn't like kids. Then we thought he didn't like us. Now we aren't sure he likes much of anyone. CEO help us to love him and THANK YOU for bringing back Big Buddy and just in time for his 90th birthday. We've got a party to plan ;)

We're also flying high from a blessing from the agent network, but I'll keep you in suspense and let agent B file the full report.

How much longer?

Remember the seemingly eternally long road trips as a kid and the oft repeated question: How much longer? We often find ourselves whining out our "boredom" and desire to be somewhere, anywhere else than where we are.

We've been in a desert of sorts for some time. Before we got to this place, a minister once told us we would have a time of being in hiding like Josiah and that we would have to wait there.


We've often likened our current existence with the Israelite's wanderings in the desert. We have been provided for with manna and quail, our clothing has persisted and we are often confused about who we are, or where, or what, something like that. We've been found to whine and also to praise and hopefully to learn. We are thankful for all that has been given to us, most of all our children and home which are such a joy and comfort to us.

It's easy to look at the Israelites and wonder how they could possibly say that they wanted to go back to slavery and Egypt. While I would not go so far as to say that our former church body that housed the Izzy ministry was the Egyptians, I could draw the analogy that we were in a system of bondage and that the church was the Israelite overseers, whipping us, keeping us in line, maintaining the Empire's status quo, which changed whenever the "paying pew sitters" got uncomfortable.

While we are not so dumb to think we could ever go back to Egypt, we do dream of being somewhere (other than a desert) and often ask, beg, plead the CEO for a new assignment. Why? We miss being a part of something big, of knowing our identity of seeing the work come to fruition, of being with others. We miss so much the family, the poor and homeless that we were privileged to walk with day in and out, even if it was under the system.

There are some oasis in the desert. And our identity should not fluctuate like sifting sand because we are or aren't "busy" helping someone- but it does. We are most fulfilled and joyous when someone is in our lives and we know that the CEO orchestrated our walk together. In the lulls, which have been frequent and long lasting, we start to wonder why we are still here and how much longer until we'll get somewhere.

Heb. 11 scares me spitless, you know the part where it says they never really got to see the promise- just welcomed it at a distance- like this could be a never ending car trip, all squished and smelly. I know in a way that is true, but I really believe there is more for us in the here and now. But when? where? what?

Jim D

I ran into Jim D at the grocery store today. He had genuine joy and love in his eyes when he saw me and the kids. He didn't know we'd had a second child. He asked how we were doing, where we were and updated me on his life some. Before he left, he said over and over blessings over me, the agent and most of all the kids. Somehow, the blessings we've had over our kids from homeless family (as we call our friends from the streets) seem weightier. Behind their words and sincerity are layers of pain, of remorse and disappointment, hopes dashed and an overriding, true desire for us to live in the joy of what is supposed to be.

My most poignant memory of Jim D is visiting him at a camp with Cherokee, the agent, the bossman and the bossman's wife. The bossman had made supper and we were all hanging out eating together. Jim D kept staring at me and finally apologized saying that I looked so much like his daughter. Of course that got us asking about his kids. He pulled out a picture from his wallet and I could not believe my eyes. There in some studio style portrait sat a typical middle class family- dad, mom and 2 teenage girls. The man was Jim D, a healthier, wealthier, slightly younger man with a home and family, apparently living the american dream. And yes, his daughter did look very similar to me although we'd never pass for twins. It dawned on me then and there that no one is immune. We could all be one step away from a much different life.

Tuckered out

I imagine that our family's guardian angels are a little tuckered out of late. It's easy when things aren't going right to focus on the negative, but lately I've noticed how we have been given so much grace, and much of it, just in time.

AO#2 has been dealing with constipation issues for quite a while. I tried changing her diet and asked the CEO for help in it. Then, after having talked with family who identified with her troubles since it was something that ran in the lineage and even caused a death in a young cousin (yep, that's what they said!) the agent and I prayed together against generational issues, this one in particular and asked again for her healing. I've waited now a couple of weeks in order to make sure it wasn't just a fluke, but the diaper right after that prayer and every one since has been remarkably better. All thanks to the Lover. Again, I can't explain why sometimes our prayers are answered or why us, but I am just thankful, ever so thankful.

AO#1 and I were having a bad time at a store, he was horrible, horrible, absolutely awful. I was not very good at dealing with him either- threatening spankings or removal from the store and not following through, bribing with candy... I'm not a very good shopper and it was taking WAY too long for him. But I was so thankful to him and the CEO when the next two stores he was patient and cooperative. We were all tired heading home when I almost got in a wreck. In the instant when I swerved to miss the car, I felt that sense that others were helping us. Then that night, AO#2 fell off a chair hitting her head (she's only 9 months). Again we prayed protection over her (and checked her a couple of times since she slept abnormally long), but she is wonderfully fine. Again I felt that we had a near miss with catastrophe and yet we were spared that grief.

The next day, AO#2 had a check-up appointment, but I thought I should have AO#1 checked too, since his cough had a rattle to it. I wouldn't have normally taken him in, but since I was already there, I thought it wouldn't hurt. To my surprise, we found out he has a double ear infection. I would have never known, until it was much worse, and am so glad I just had that sense to have him checked.

So many things out of my control and yet we have felt guided, carried and helped along, by powers greater than our own.

And we are ever so thankful.

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

I got a phone call from Princess! OK, so I was her 3rd choice, her mom and sister weren't home and she gets one 5min. call once/month and had to call someone and I made the cut! It was so good to hear her voice. She says they march a lot and she's still on phase 0 with no privileges. I don't know how that meshes with her family saying she is doing wonderful there. I'm thinking she would have been upgraded by now. Although she said she'd been there 7 months, it's actually been about 3. She has a really poor concept of time. Maybe we can go out to see her. She said she hasn't written because she doesn't get very many writing privileges, but that she had gotten my letters. I know there is more behind it than that, but I don't care, I got to hear her voice!!! We love her. May she find realness and true freedom.

The bad:

I stink at generosity. The kids had way too many clothes, more than they could wear, and I found a neighbor whose kids needed some clothes the same size as mine. Then I found myself picking through clothes past my favorites and ones we always put on them to the least used or least favorites. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about God's gift of His One and Only, Perfect, Loved Son. He gave His best. Help me Lover to do as you have and consider others above myself.

The ugly:



OK, so that was a freeby.

Veggiefails

Seeing that it is Easter time and I like to try to reinforce the Lover's story in our lives through some celebration, plus the fact that AO1 is totally into hunting down eggs and eating chocolate, I thought the veggie tales video would be the perfect addition to the activities I had planned. It said that Easter was more than chocolate and eggs and that the characters would discover the real meaning of Easter.

(Of course we can get all into the pagan roots of the holidays, but we won't go there, here. To me we live in this culture and I think it's great to incorporate the Lover into the rhythm of our lives wether it be through holidays, daily occurrences, the seasons...)

So, I'm thinking this video will be all about the Lover and the passion story. Instead, it was all about a church building and it's stained glass window!!! I mean, I think eventually they may have mentioned JESUS and HIS SACRIFICE, but AO1 and I only made it half way through the video before we were totally disgusted and turned it off. For 20 minutes, it was all about the evil man who commercialized Easter with his egg making and refusal to attend the club or let his workers off against the church people who boasted over and over about their new window and the need to go to the meeting in order to see it's unveiling. The "christian" workers were about to break into the factory to steal some business plans in order that their building could be saved-- when we shut it off.

This is in part my fault. Our plan had been to preview every video before letting my children watch. Then I had kids and realized that if I had 45 minutes to myself, I certainly didn't want to spend it watching a kids video. I thought maybe I was a little closer to my goal by at least sitting with him to watch it. Instead the veggies failed us. It was only a senseless battle of commercialized religion vs commercialized holiday. How many times do we miss the point? How many times do we preach religion instead of showing the love of the Savior to those around us and helping instill in them the desire to know this love?

I used to do this very thing. I thought that by inviting people to church, I was going to help the "wayward". In reality, I didn't know how to talk about the Lover to others, or how to share his love with them. All I knew was to get them in the doors and let others do the rest- whatever that was.

That is not the WAY! The Lover's rebuke comes across very strong through the Message version (Matt. 23) "I've had it with you! You're hopeless, you religion scholars, you Pharisees! Frauds! Your lives are roadblocks to God's kingdom. You refuse to enter, and won't let anyone else in either. You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you make him into a replica of yourselves, double-damned."

Help me Lord to walk, speak, hear and obey in the love and example of the Lover, the only WAY to life, freedom and grace.

Have we lost the sense of weirdness?

I was thinking about my last post and how we are seen as so unconventional by our way of life (and we are), how most of Christianity feels either threatened by us or that we have lost our way, when I open up Hosea and read something like this: God told Hosea, go marry an adulterous wife and take children of unfaithfulness.

How would that be received today by the "church"? What would happen to the "senior pastor" if he said that God told him to marry a prostitute? Then call his kids names like: not loved, not mine. Talk about unconventional. Then I got thinking about almost anyone in the book and it's the same over and over. Prophets disappearing, miracles abounding, talking to an ass (the animal kind although there are plenty of the other kind in the book too), getting pregnant without having sex, changing water into wine. SO unconventional and irreligious and yet we read it like it's just an old story when this should send our religious personae spinning.

What if He told me to lay on top of someone's dead child and breath into his mouth? What if He told me to go up to someone with split personalities and tell demons to flee from him/her? Because this was not only unconventional and irreligious, but culturally insensitive too (We try to sanitize and avoid confrontation- while Jesus tells his biggest crowd to drink his blood and eat his flesh- which insidentaly caused about everyone to leave). What if He called me to cross cultural borders and invite in strangers and become everything to all people in the hopes of being a conduit so that some might be saved?

And what if I was faithful to do all these crazed out things He tells me? The kingdom is at hand, the kingdom is upon us, the kingdom is within us. He does call us to all that and more. May I have the courage to be even more crazy than this.

From the New, not Old testament or covenant, post resurrection, not just to the twelve, but for all believers, the not so popular great commission: "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe [and I presume- those who obey]: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." Mark 16:15-18

attendance

Had a good discussion over the weekend with our Catholic friend's mother and mother-in-law. The mom was asking what I was (but was not satisfied when I just said Christian). When she found out that we don't attend somewhere Sunday mornings, she flipped out. I really think she spoke out of love and concern. She was saying that especially for the kids, we needed to attend somewhere, so that they will go in the future and to just pick a place! The sad part is, she attended and her kids, now grown, are a mess, so so much for her theory. Statistics show that people in the church have just as high incidents of divorce and all the other lists of "sins" as people out of the attendance routine.

I'm not sure they heard what I was saying, but I am not judging or condemning people who attend. I know that attending can be life giving and we need to be in community. I also know that the CEO has called us to something different. I explained that I don't think we are in the fullness of that right now and I'm not sure what IT even is or will look like. I too have concerns, especially for our children. We have lots of Christian friends, but I do miss worshiping together, praying together, learning and sharing our hearts and reaching out to others together.

I know there is a lot of religion in me that the Lover is still weeding out... but we have to get to the place where Princess and DJ and Jessie... can feel at home and be themselves while coming to know and love the Lover together. The great thing about the Izzy ministry was that there was a neutral ground- not a church apparatus and not a home, but a place where we could hurt together, love together and share. I know that it is hard for people of different cultures to hang out in my home. I can sense it, as much as I want them to feel at ease. Likewise, there is a cultural divide when I go to their homes. I know that the Lover wants to break through these walls.

I often question myself and us in this period of wandering, but everytime I go to the Lover about it, I feel that He asks us to trust Him. Until He tells us a path, that is all we can do- just trust He is guiding us, leading us, changing us and that He will bring us into the community that He is drawing up.