Burnt bridges

They're gone. Before an opportunity came to see or talk with the girls, they have left-- Frieda told me today that Elizabeth got offended about her saying not to do piercings in front of a young girl they've been keeping and not to tell that same young girl to bring her a butcher knife from the kitchen or to cuss in front of the kids, so Elizabeth and Jessie up and left. Their history tells me that they will be back- but it's scary what all will happen in the gone times.

Really Jessie is 20 years old, but she's emotionally and intellectually stunted. Elizabeth is younger, but has been on her own for some time now (on her own as in not at her parents. She lives with boyfriends or friends and spends her days not doing much). So it's not really the age factor that is scary. The scary part is that they have no direction. They just kind of drift into whatever people they run in to are doing.

We've brought them home from a questionable hotel when they decided they had finally had enough and from the hospital after Jessie had an early pregnancy miscarriage (early as in she found out she had been pregnant when she had the miscarriage).

We usually think of the homeless as being those with a backpack camping out in alleys, but there are a lot of people homeless who ping pong like these girls from a boyfriend's place, to a family member's place, to various friends' houses and strangers, to hotels and back again.

Having met and befriended "hard core" homeless, it makes me wonder if something out there will cause either of these girls to end up like so many others we have seen. Becoming homeless is not something that just happens one day. It is a process much like the one Jessie and Elizabeth are on. For their sakes, I hope and pray they will have an encounter with the Lover before they are pulled through the dredges of their drifting lifestyle. All the bridges burnt- the jobs abandoned, family fights and mooching off friends add up and at some point, there may not be much of a way back.

I am the gate

The kids and I have been talking about the 7 I AM statements of the Lover, going over one each week. This week was a shorter one due to Easter, so I chose to do the I AM THE GATE statement. I understood it the least and figured there wasn't a whole lot we could explore on it.

As I was looking up a gate craft online, I found information on the Japanese Torii gate for a Shinto Shrine. While reading about this other religion, I gained a deeper understanding of the symbolism of the Lover as the gate to the CEO of the universe.

Going from the text of John 10 in The Book, I was a bit lost. It has been hard for me to relate to the sheep and the going in and out... blah, blah. But when I heard that these Japanese gates were a physical space to mark the transition from the sacred (the shrine) to the profane (the normal world) it all fell into place for me.

Today the kids and I talked about the temple, the ark of the covenant, the Holy of Holies, the cross, the tearing of the curtain and of the Lover being our gate, our passage way into the presence of God. Somehow it just became so much more deep to me.

We played a game. I closed my legs and declared: "The gate was closed. Jesus died on the cross. Jesus is the gate. The gate is open. Run to God." and made a bridge under my legs through which the kids ran with delight, glee and some rolling, tumbling and crashes. We played it innumerable times and they couldn't get enough of it. They were so excited to play out the mystery of it all and it seemed that with each retelling, the truth sank deeper into my spirit.

Thank you love for these symbols and these children who help unlock the treasures you've placed in the universe that we may come to you and know you more.

Jessie and the kid

A couple of weeks ago, I got to play in an impromptu game of volleyball with Jessie and Elizabeth. It was a good opportunity to find out how the girls were and what is going on in their lives. They have been living next door again. I usually start off with asking Jessie if she and her boyfriend are still seeing each other. At the time of the volleyball game she was vehement about never going with him again- that he is just a player, cheating on her all the time, that he is a control freak, wanting her to stay at home even while he goes out partying and she confessed that she doesn't even know how old he is, that some relative of his told her that he is only 14 or some insanely young age. He's here illegally and has some bogus ID, so she really doesn't know how old he is. I kept asking her if she thinks he could really be that young. He does have some facial hair, but it's real scruffy and he does look young. At the time, he was going out with some older woman who had kids.

Now, he's back over again and Jessie is again the human pinball. I don't know how to talk to her about it. When they are split up, she admits that he's a creap, a jerk and no good for her, but the split ups never last long and then they are moving in together again. He was around when we had Easter dinner at our place, so we told him to come eat. Jessie seemed embarrassed by his demonstrations of affection. I'm scared for her. She is such a follower and is so hungry for love and acceptance, but looking in all the wrong places.

God help her- please. Open her eyes and may she see that there is true love, respect and hope through the love that never fails in YOU.

Hannah Elizabeth

I've met several "Hannah Elizabeths" through the years thanks to the water aerobic class I teach to pregnant women. I met a most remarkable one this week. She is 45 years old and has tried to have a baby for 18 years. Can you imagine the pain and anguish of hoping and praying, working, testing, probing for 18 years? She had tests done and according to them there were no reasons why she couldn't get pregnant. She changed work from ICU to labor and delivery as they were trying to get pregnant. She got pregnant twice through artificial insemination and lost both babies. She moved back to ICU which was now for her a less stressful environment.

In October of last year, she gave in and gave it all up fully to the Lover, saying that if he wanted her to have a child, that she needed to have a sign by January. She and her husband bought land out of town and started work on their dream home with plans of adopting a child internationally in the next year.

Then she found out she was pregnant- naturally!!! She had conceived the very month she had given it all over to the Lover! She is now 23 weeks into the pregnancy. Her face glows with joy and expectancy. Throughout the class, she tenderly cradled her belly. She is radiant in her beauty and faith. It is not a flippant faith, but one that has been carved out in pain, perseverance and trial. I don't know why she had to go through all the waiting and heartache, but she affirms that this child she now carries is a miracle child. She still has struggles. She is scared to fully open up to this baby with the lingering fear that something may still go wrong, but I pray her fears will drift away like the morning mist and that this mother will join the chorus of the other Hannahs, Elizabeths, Rachels, Tamars-- those women who have cried out until their cry was answered and birthed their babies through the labor of love, faith and perseverance.

Blessings on these women and their babies of promise.

vigilence

My kids got their second round of the flu this weekend- it was intense at times, but lasted only 48 hours, so that was a good thing. We went to see Obiwan Monday evening to tell him we were sorry not to have seen him in such a long time, but that the kids had had the flu again. He looked straight at me, pointed to me and said in essence "you're next". Obiwan has a very bad habit of speaking what I would call "word curses", even over his friends. I am usually very vigilant to refuse his words, but I had been doing that already for weeks and was tired of it, so instead I just said "yes", a simple little word, but my affirmation could have caused my coming days of torture. The next morning I woke up sore all over, by nighttime I felt like a cement truck had hit me, through the night and the next day, it felt like a combination of malaria and labor pains, with fevers, chills, pain and exhaustion. Some would look at this post sceptically and say there is no truth in it. I will admit that I had some of my daughter's banana from when she was sick- I'm sure that didn't help.

The same morning I saw Obiwan, I had read about the weapons of our warfare having Divine power to demolish strongholds, arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. And had been thinking about the passage in James that talks about the power of the tongue for wrecking havoc.

Whatever the case, I am glad to be on the mend and am reminded to guard my tongue and guard what I receive from others-verbally and orally.

small city living

One thing that is nice with the Fair Mother city is that it's not too big. We will often run into people we have known and the lady at the photo place we go to doesn't even ask for my name- she just knows. I'm sure she doesn't know much else about us, apart from what she sees on the pictures, but there is something nice about being recognized even to a small degree.

It seems like with the poor and homeless there is a catch twenty-two. Often, they don't want to be noticed and want to just fade in the background, but the further they fade or are blatantly ignored, the more they miss out on human contact, which is so vital. How often do they get the smiles, the greetings, the affirmations, or friendly- "hello, it's glad to see you". Not nearly enough.

It is nice though that some people and businesses try to make a difference. I took my kids to reading time at a local fast food place that is trying to reach out to the community by offering their space and prizes to the kids. A bank employee came and explained that their business had decided to take the challenge of the movie "pay it forward" by doing something good for others once a month. They gave us free breakfast and piggy banks (with their business emblazoned on the side) and asked us to continue the trend by doing something for someone else.

It just warmed up the entire room that someone would be doing a kind gesture for us. This is such a small idea, but I know it could change individuals and whole communities if we would all just reach out to someone with kindness.

Princess visit

I've been feeling for some time that I needed to go see Princess again and thought this would be the weekend, but I had something going on with work Sunday when I usually go, so I thought I'd head out Sat. I called her parent's to see if they wanted to come. I've taken the kids and Agent B the last two times. I had no idea that it was all pre-arranged by the Lover. It didn't dawn on me until we were on our way, visiting and catching up. Princess' mom said, today would have been Kissy's 17th birthday (Princess' best friend, murdered some 7 months ago). Her mom told me that when she talked with Princess on the phone earlier in the week, she was so glad we were coming and said that if she was out "in the free" she would have bought flowers and put them on her friend's grave. She says that Kissy visits her in her room at juvenile and in her dreams. Loosing someone we love is undoubtably one of the worst things on this earth, but it also helps us see that the other side is not so far from us, that the spirit realm is real and true and that it's important to value friends, family, life.

I keep praying that Princess' commitment to the Lover grows deeper and helps her overcome her tremendous obstacles. I was not disappointed. She asked if we knew why God could forgive all our sins and told us it was because of love. She told us how she stood up in group and told everyone that while she could not forget how her mother's friend had raped her, she does forgive him. Princess just got her credit for her Social studies class (one of her hardest classes) and was talking about getting into a class to get her ready for GED classes. She only has 2 of the 22 credits she needs to graduate, but talked of going to college. I don't know if that will be possible for her, she has major problems reading due to dyslexia and can barely add/subtract/multiply, but it was so incredible to hear her talking about her future for the first time ever, making plans and realizing that she can make positive steps toward a better life than she has known. We got our picture taken by the guard for a scandalous price, but now her face is beaming at me from our fridge.

There are so many forces that want to keep Princess trapped in horrid abuse (including her biological dad) who she refused to see when he came to visit her at juvenile. But she is learning to live in love and life, to stand up for herself without trampling all over others.

On a funny note. I found out that one of her sisters got married to her boyfriend- the father of her two children, but that since he is locked up, her twin sister had to stand up for him by proxi. I'm sure that was a weird ceremony. I take it they skipped the part about kissing the bride and the honeymoon. It is a beautiful thing to see sisters so supportive of each other. They live together taking care of each other's kids and sharing resources. I hope that Princess will transition well back into the mix when she gets home some day.