didn't even have to pick up the phone

We have little resources, but a lot of friends who share and a big, big God. I've always seen the CEO as a lover. He's the romancer of our hearts and lives. Most people would probably write off the little things I see as gifts from the Man as coincidence or happenstance, but I like to think of them as touches from Divine.

I'm trying to organize my life around a short trip to Dallas to spend a last day with my sister and her husband. This meant finding a sub for my swim classes, finding two umbrella strollers, having enough room in a vehicle... To me when there are all these details, I try not to stress about it. I figure if it's meant to be, the Lover will arrange all the pieces and make a way.

The vehicle and extra seats were provided, and a sub. I had on my agenda to call two friends for strollers, but before I lifted up the phone, it all just kind of came together. I got to meet up with two friends, while taking my kids to the park and two strollers found their way to me. This may all sound silly, but it's one of those things where I just have a deep sense that it was a touch, a smile, a little encouragement from the huge, great, awesome wooer to remind me that He will provide in the big areas ($ for bills, direction in life, direction in ministry) just as He has in the little.

These little surprises are the treasures of my heart.

The Touch

stollen kisses
race against time
sweet embrace
borrowed
from the other side

Busted

I was thinking the other day about how selfish I am, even as I try to "befriend" others. How often is my "befriending" done for my benefit? I wanted to learn Spanish, so I would meet with others who wanted to learn English and "swap". But invariably, when we met, my main interest was in my abilities, not in helping the other. I was thinking I should stop by and see my refugee friends more and let the kids play too, not so much because they need friends (and they do), but because I miss French and want my kids around French too. I'm just being real here. It's ugly, but true.

Then I read this tonight: "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. But for those who are SELF-SEEKING and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger". Rom.2:7

On the recommendation of an internet friend, I read "Sir Gibbie" by George MacDonald. It was so awesome. It's a novel and a bit hard to read because conversations are written in a Scottish brogue, but it really reminded me that our goal is to love others and serve others, not self.

I want to be more like that. So I'm confessing here, 'cause that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

More

Our latest gift from a friend is a small freezer. She had bought this from a friend moving and I'd told her how awesome that was and that some day I was hoping to get one. Now, some two months later, she told me the Lover told her to give the freezer to me, that they hadn't even turned it on and were needing the space it was taking up! We love it already. I try to keep a record of all the gifts, whether of finances or of items so that we can continue to remember and give thanks for the Lover's goodness and provision for us.

I'm slowly starting to shed some of the layers of religion in me thanks to the Lover's gentle wooing. Growing up in the CoC, reading the Bible was very important and while I still believe it is important and can breathe sweet life into my being and challenge and write on my heart, it can also be a very religious habit or even worse, people can use it and never know the Lover through their readings, studying and memorizing. I have spent a lot of years in fruitless reading. Sometimes not even registering a thing I've read, but getting that chapter done a day. If I don't read a significant amount in a day, I feel guilty. If I read a small piece and try to really digest it, I feel guilty still.

Lately the Lover keeps saying over and over to me: I'm more than a book. I'm learning to hear his voice in places I'd never looked before. I've had some of my most powerful worship will watching a kid's nature video and feeling swept over in the love of the creator. It seems sac religious, but I've had novels speak to my heart just as much as the Bible at times. I've heard someone joke that the Lover spoke through thousands of years, than wrote a book and lost his voice. It's a danger to elevate words and not find the Word, the life giver in them. It's also been so freeing and real and natural to hear him in so many other venues, in the splash of sunshine on my daughter's shimmering body as she plays in the pool, in the beauty of a lake, in laughter, in moments that seem somehow orchestrated in the heavenlies, in words that pierce my heart, whether they be in the book, a book, a voice within, or from a friend or enemy. He speaks still and I'm so thankful he is more than a book.

Who's voice?

I think one of the greatest fallacies of a woman (in men too, but perhaps worse in women) is comparison. We compare ourselves to each other and our society has taught us to compare ourselves to models- whether they be physical models, or models of a successful woman/mother/wife...

I didn't realize one other trap that I have been subject to and that was comparing spirituality. I was trying to talk to the Lover yesterday evening, but felt judgment over my day (I hadn't spent enough time with the Lord, or been in His word enough, or longed for Him enough...). Sometimes even as I read blogs, I'm glad for the spiritual insight someone has shared even while my mind puffs up that person and says "see, they are better than you, they are walking more honestly, or more spiritually, have bigger insight or love the Lord more than you..." The list of course is endless because we can't perform our way into a feeling of spiritual rightness. I find this tendency to want to perform or "do the list" (like the kid song- read your bible, pray every day) even more tempting now that we are not regular "church attenders". That means we have to be REALLY spiritual in order to make up for not fulfilling that "obligation" right? All of this is pure idiocy, but of course I have not seen any of it that way.

So today when I was hanging out with the Lover, He tells me that the voice I'd heard yesterday, the voice of judgment, was not His. Then I wonder if this new message is some sly trap- until it goes on to reveal to me that others, maybe even the same people I am comparing myself to are likewise comparing themselves to me and feeling like they are not up to my "standard". He said that He does not call us to compare ourselves to each other and does not come to put condemnation in us about how our day went, He comes in love and passion. His is a delightful drawing presence and call.

I'm writing this in the hopes that it will help others also, if you are dealing with the same trap I've walked into my entire life. I need to revamp my whole thinking about how this love relationship is walked out- the flowing in and out of conversation and awareness of Him, without the judgment, the nagging, the voice saying I haven't done enough.

May I know the freedom to just be with the Lover and not to spend any more time with these twisted perceptions of everyone else being with Him. Does that make sense?

Fran and healing

I met Fran at Freida's birthday bbq last weekend. Her life is like so many of Frieda's friends: filled with loneliness. She is in her late 60s. From what I've figured out, she's had 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. The daughter was drugged, raped and dropped off at a hospital in town and died at age 16, but I think she already had a daughter. Fran doesn't know where her sons or granddaughter is. Her one wish is to find all or even one of her children or grandchildren before she dies. I think Fran is killing herself with alcohol. She got sick drunk at the party and the reason we got to know each other some is that I sat with her and gave her a ride home. She is very taken with our kids and like many people when they get drunk, was evaluating her life. She kept saying how drinking will get her nowhere, and would just make her sick.

We offered to make some searches on the internet for her since she was wanting to do that, but didn't know how to work a computer, so I've gotten to talk with her some since the party. She still feels really sick and I feel for her, because I was sick all of yesterday and some the day before.

As I was laying on the couch yesterday, the scripture where the Lover says get up and walk came to mind, but I didn't feel like it. Then I thought of the story of Naaman (2K.5) where he didn't want to do what it took to be healed. Later that night, after a friend told me that it sounded like I might have an inner ear infection, I repented to the Lover and asked his forgiveness for my lack of obedience, then I felt like he said "this is how it's done now" and I saw a picture of him putting his fingers in my ears. Immediately, I started to feel my left ear pop and pop and pop. It did some again this morning too and I've felt so much better.

Fran called this morning. She's still feeling horribly sick and I just knew within me that it doesn't have to be that way, but when I started to tell her about what happened to me, she wasn't even listening and just talked over me.

Father, open her ears as you did mine that she too may receive healing in the physical, emotional and spiritual.

I can not imagine the pain that she has suffered. Only the CEO can touch and bring relief to that kind of hurt.