princess mystery

Princess is a mystery to me. She's so cold, so unempathetic. And I don't think her "I don't care" attitude is all teenagehood. I think it's an elaborate mechanism to shield her from her own feelings of low self-worth and desperateness. I keep praying that the Lover will bring down the walls between us and get us to a place of being able to share and really talk about the things that matter. Every once in a while, the impossible happens and we are in a moment of honest sharing, but mostly she just sets up her guard and reinforces it and locks herself in.

She relishes in putting down others and putting on the show of hood talk and behavior. Then again, maybe it's not a show. Maybe it's all she knows.

And yet she's at a place where chinks have formed in her armor. She told me that another of her friends was just locked up in TYC (juvenile jail). She commented that there were 3 of them who hung out together growing up and that 2 are now locked up and the other dead. She told me she's been dreaming about her murdered friend. That this friend has visited her in her room and moved things.

Her mom called me when we'd gotten home, wondering how the visit had gone and if her daughter had gotten snacks ('cause that's important). I told her how princess acted so disenchanted with everything and with us. So her mom pulled out another label and tried it on: "well she does have multiple personalities". I've heard this one a few times lately from her mom, but I don't think it fits. Her mom is always trying to bail out her behavior with an excuse: depression, ADD, ADHD, now split personalities.

All I know is that I can't give up on her. The lover won't let me. So many times I feel like I have not been a sincere or true friend to others. That I've "loved" them for what I could get out of the relationship or have just wanted another notch of "witnessing" or "evangelizing" or "ministering" in my belt loop. She's different. The Lover gave me a dream that Satan was after princess and that as I prayed (in tongues), she was delivered. I cling to this hope because I can sense and see the darkness of her life, the hopelessness- reinforced in the statements and attitudes of the judges, caseworkers, teachers who have reiterated that Princess is doomed to delinquency.

Princess has been dealt so many wrong cards in life, I've actually argued with the Lover about it. How can anyone have such a rotten family history, have so many problems, have so many issues and environment and culture... all pitted against her... like there is no other choice but to follow this path that seems all too plain before her.

I can't let go of her. I picture her as a part of my family, of my lineage, of my life chain. I can't stop loving her or reaching out to her, no matter how little response I get. If I fail every other "ministry" type relationship, I can't fail this one. She's not a number or statistic to me. She's like an adopted child, a friend. The Lover laid down his life for us and I wonder if I can lay down my life for another, if I can love that sacrificially- as I know other Christians are doing all over the world- loving their enemies, praying for those who persecute them, giving kindness when they've been beaten. Princess is not my enemy, just a hurt and trouble kid who doesn't seem to have a chance. But no matter what it looks like, there is another way and love never fails.