I facilitate a water aerobic class for pregnant women. Invariably, only middle and upper class women attend. I'm thinking it's a cultural thing (the class used to be free and is now at a decent price). I've only had about 4 women come who were from the poverty economic level and none of them lasted longer than a month. After having been mainly among the poor, it was weird at first to be back in a clearly middle class group.
A common conversation came up again last night at class. The majority of women in the class work and will continue to work after having their babies. About 10-20% of the women will stay at home. One of the working moms (a teacher) was lamenting over the fact that she had to go back to work and was racked with guilt as her daughter cries and says she wants to stay at home with her mom (like they have all summer). She told me they both start each day in tears. Her husband is a firefighter. I don't have any numbers with me here, but I'm thinking he makes pretty good money. Well, pretty good as in more than we've ever seen our entire 9 years of marriage.
So there is the supreme irony and the sad tale of our society. The irony being that they lament to me that they have no other option but to work and earn money, while the agent and I make so ridiculously little money that if the ladies knew, they would be shocked beyond belief- but I get to stay home with my kids and they "HAVE TO" work . (I am recognizing in this that the Lover has been very gracious to us in providing and in making up for what we have not being able to afford). The sad tale is that our materialism tells us we have to make huge sacrifices in order to maintain a certain lifestyle. All of the women who work, but would rather stay home say that they have no other choice but to work. Our riches tell us that it is not a choice to do without, to decrease, downsize...
There is a great expression in French that does not translate fully:
L'embarras des richesses. (The embarassement of wealth- but it means more than being embarassed, it carries with it the connotation of being burdened by our wealth).
The ones I have seen the most free are those with the least. We've had homeless people open their backpacks and give us 1 of their only 20 possessions on earth. So humbling. But if I think we may move- I'm already thinking I'll need a U-haul and the nightmare of moving and what about appliances or furniture? I like them. They are nice. We may not get such nice ones elsewhere. I don't want to be owned by what I have. I want to be free to give and be generous and be as light as a feather to go when I need to go, but the more I have, the harder it becomes.
(No, we aren't moving- but we contemplate it ever few months, coinciding with the habitual drainage of our account).
I am not saying all this in judgment of working moms and I realize that some people (single moms for example) really don't have a choice. I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be as black and white as some families think it is and that our wealth can be a deceitful trap locking us away from great riches.
8 comments:
amen
I agree with you in many ways. Especially, where people tend to see their lives as set in stone. Where, mothers (married) feel they must be the head of the household, provider of their families, and end up in a warped prison of the mind. Painfully leaving thier children to have prettier things.
One thing I noticed in Cambodia was the absolute happiness of the people. They were free. NO oppression by the Khumer Rouge. They had little, but they smiled and waved to us foreigners. Proud of their little un-airconditioned house boats, painted with bright colors. The little kids swinging in the hammocks. Don't get me wrong, poverty can be a prison. But our American poverty is all relative. If people in this country are hurt, they can go to the hospital and be seen. Not in Cambodia, not in Mexico or any number of countries.
When I gave up my position as breadwinner in the household, our income increased in proportion to every step back I took. God provided for our family even in my reluctance to hand Him the reigns. I was so used to making the money and carrying the benefits that I had purchased the lie. I spent three years- formative years of my children's lives in bondage to the money machine. I almost lost my marriage, due to my able bodied provision. God allowed restoration through the scalectomy on my eyes. I will now return to the work force. I do not have a regret at this point. I might later- if I do I will pull back. I know that I am free to allow for the provision of my Father. I would be lying if I said that I never get anxious, hoping we will get some checks in the mail when things are tight- but I have not been let down yet. Great post!
Here's a link which might shed some light on all the millions the firefighters in Abilene make:
http://64.233.183.104/search?q=cache:CRMGfIYHa8IJ:www.abilenetx.com/index/doc/Fire%2520Application%2520Packet%25202006%2520FINAL%2520(2).pdf+abilene+abilene+firefighters+salary&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=4
After one year of probationary service, the gross pay is $36,000 before taxes.
Jesus never asks us to judge the poverty or fortunes of others, or the choices they must, for themselves and their families, make. On the surface, at least in the US or other wealthy democratic societies, many appear wealthier than they actually are. The American culture, more than any other, is one that is driven by credit cards and debt-ridden. One can tell from the gradual proliferation of TV adverts by loan/credit consolidation companies over the past 3 years that the American way has begun to seep into the British culture more within the past 5 years (Brits still do not carry their chequebooks in their handbags, and I’ve not seen wallets here that can accommodate the chequebooks we’re issued with because that concept does not exist here).
To be fair, one cannot really compare or apply the American ways of doing business with the way things are done here in the UK, or Cambodia, Lithuania, etc., because there are so many differences and customs. In fact, there are still a good part of Abilenians who must teach their children to place their excrement in bins near the toilet because of the lack of plumbing in their household. This was my experience when I taught for AISD. But I also experienced the moms in ‘the haves’ class of society who gave of much of their time (even as they worked), money, resources, and love to those in the ‘have not’ class of society. They, and those of us who teach (those with kids and those without) did this because of allegiance to our Lover. (Teachers in Abilene are some of the lowest paid in the State of Texas, btw.)
What cannot be argued is that today’s children need good, valid role models for how to love and give to others, regardless if a parent ‘chooses’ to work or not.
Are you upset with the middle classes (there are so many varieties around the world)? Or is this just a generalisation? Why do you continue to work with the women in the aerobics class if in principle you are disturbed by their 'life-style choices'?
I agree there is culture shock to be had from living amongst mainly poor people to living with the more affluent classes. (My first experience was going from Kandahar to Los Angeles.) There will always be some measure of disconnect between both groups fully understanding each other, especially if they are worlds apart geographically. But Jesus loves them all.
Thanks for posting. If it's OK I'm going to continue this discussion with the gals today in my Bible Study (we're in the Gospel of John). Should be enlightening, as there are several social classes/ages represented amongst us. :)
Blessings!
Deb -
It seems to me you're misreading Agent Wife's post. First off, the post reads like a work in progress, or random reflections on a particular subject ... I'm not sure she's intending this piece to be her magnum opus against the middle class or against working or having money. Merely observations.
Second, the emphasis seems to be on the expectations the culture-at-large place on young mothers to "get back out there and provide" ... not on size of salary, or even whether the haves are helping the have-nots. Seems like there's a lesson in here for all of us to discern for ourselves which parts of our lives are gospel-shaped, and which are primarily shaped by culture.
Deb -
I think the gist of Agent Wife's report here is as follows:
A young couple who make dual incomes says they both "have to" work because they "have no choice".
The guy is a firefighter. You say that's $36K/year. The gal is a school teacher. That's probably in the $24K/year in Abilene, which is low compared to the rest of the US, as you say.
We live on less than $8K/year.
Granted, we are missionaries. And we choose to live in the poverty realm like those around us (sort of).
But I'm thinking...if a family of four like us can scrape by on $8K/yr, then a family of three (almost four) can easily make it on $36K/yr if the woman wanted to stay home.
It may mean downsizing, doing without and so forth.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with a mom working, or these moms working. I think there are moms who would go nuts at home all the time with their kids and thus they should also work (there have been some great improvements with businesses allowing flexibility- like work from home or part time or bring the baby...) I think what is deceptive is the thought that we must work in order to have x,y,z.
The agent and I don't have a tv and that's our choice. One of the biggest advantages is not knowing about all the things we MUST HAVE to live in our society today.
I am not disturbed by the choices of the ladies in the water aerobic class. I know that many of them are believers and share abundantly. But to say they MUST work in order to HAVE stuff is to be a slave to the stuff and to believe a lie of our culture. Is it really important to have the latest clothes, or gizmos or to be able to eat out... maintain...? Or are these the lies of wealth and consumerism?
This may be a book. Sorry.
It's the comment that these women don't have a choice that I struggle with.
I almost bought into that lie too at the expense of my child's life.
As an always been single parent, I've figured out how to be at home with him for most of his 13 years. I know that God has equipped me and provided for us to be able to do so. It was hard, but then I knew he was my first job, my first gift.
Had I bought into the lie that providing for him meant swim lessons, sports, toys, gizmos, gadgets, clothes, home ownership, college fund, etc. he would be in a group home by now or highly medicated because of his learning disabilities/health impairments and I would be a top executive w/ my MBA at one of the many companies that wanted my skills and abilities and dangled the carrot of "the american dream" before me time and time again.
Too bad accepting their offer would mean abandoning my child.
This was the recommendation of the school professionals who said I could do so much more with m life/my career if I stopped focusing on his needs.
Being at home-CHOOSING to be at home-gave me the ability to see, hear, and question things that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been working out of the home FT, which actually led to the saving of his life-literally.
It's been brutal at times because when you meet us, we look like your average middle class, well educated family and people place expectations on us based upon our appearance.
We live in a nice rental home and have nice things. Most of those have been given to us just when we needed them-thank you, God-or have been family hand me downs.
We dress well at the local thrift store and eat well-now that I've humbled myself and accepted foodstamps-because I shop wisely and I am convinced God puts food, clothes, furniture, gifts,toiletries, etc. RIGHT where we need them and at the EXACT price we can afford time and time again.
But, through it all, I have made CHOICES and I didn't blame them on anyone else-well, except for
God sometimes, but then, I can be a bit of a baby, that way.
But to listen to others complain who have NO CLUE what it's like to ration toilet paper or grate a bar of soap to wash your child's clothes with in the bathtub because you have no appliances or hot water??????
Give me a break!
Yes, there is a difference between the 3rd world poverty and American poverty, but I CHOSE to live in almost 3rd world poverty right here in the USA because I valued my job as a parent more than I valued the comfort and ease a steady, living wage provided.
36k/year? Good Lord!
leanne- what a story- thanks for sharing your perspective. I too have had people tell me I'm wasting my abilities by doing what I do. But the Lover tells us that what is most important is to love and you have definitely done that in your sacrifices. As you said, you've also seen and heard and LIVED unlike you would have been able to if you had spent your years with a more aggressive career approach.
Your story reminds me of Henri Nouwen who after nearly two decades of teaching at the Menninger Foundation Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, and at the University of Notre Dame, Yale University and Harvard University, he left to share his life with mentally handicapped people at the L'Arche community of Daybreak in Toronto, Canada.
I feel like I'm on a similar journey. I may have all sorts of "skills", but Christ wants me to learn how to really see people and hear them and love them.
For all the comments criticizing your choices, I hope you know deep down that you have chosen the better path, the path of love, the way of Jesus.
I am constantly shocked by the pronouncements of 1 Cor. 13. Some may have done phenominal things in life or in faith, but if they have not love it means nothing and they've gained nothing!
Your rewards are great Leanne- even if you don't see them all on this side of time.
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