I just finished the book about mother Teresa, Come be my light. It was both challenging and disturbing. I have been challenged to love the Lover more, to seek Him more, to give Him all of me, or to at least try. I always thought that was just an impossibility- so why really try- but I was wrong. This woman really gave of herself and loved with all her heart, soul, mind and strength. I want that. I need that.
I was also unsettled by what she called her darkness. She lamented that for 50 years she felt nothing but spiritual dryness, darkness and the absence of the presence of the lover. She saw her suffering as delighting the lover in that she was joining him in the work of the cross, in his suffering, in his being broken and given out to others. I don't like that part. The pain part. The sacrifice part, the suffering and brokeness parts. And yet all of this is in scripture- take up your cross and follow me, he told us and Paul shared how his suffering was in a way completing the work of the cross, not that Jesus' suffering was lacking, but maybe that we are joining in that redemptive work when we too die to ourselves.
The part though that I don't get is how she felt rejected by God and abandoned by him. I know this has to be balanced out, because I don't think there were moments of nearness, but nothing like what she had known before she entered ministry with the poorest of the poor. Her spiritual counselors offered that she was learning what it meant to be poor of spirit too and without God so that she could identify with the lost.
I can't explain away what she felt, but I wonder if that is how it is and what we may come up against some day. Then I also wonder how all that lies in the face of scriptures that say he is with us always and that if we come to him rivers will flow up in us and we will not thirst anymore- or that those who thirst and hunger will be filled... So many scriptures saying how he avails himself to us so that we can feast on him- and yet here was this precious woman who gave him her all and he gave her back so little of himself- or so it seemed to her. What gives?
Anyone out there experienced this dark night of the soul, or years? What is it? What does it mean?
If you read it, was this what you understood? Does it bother you?
I have been feeling like God has been calling me to get off my butt, out of my cozy bed in the mornings, no matter how long I've been up and spend time with him- before the kids are up. So I'm confessing here that I have been horribly lazy in this, but need to put Him first in at least this one small way.
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i for one never felt god's presence or love or grace. ever. it didn't matter what i did or didn't do. i searched for god everywhere and he/she never came to me. i saw what could be interpreted as "god" in other people. but community and kindness and altruism can be found in many folks in other religions and in folks who are not religious at all. and i think the need to create community and kindness are evolutionary adaptations. so i don't think this is evidence of god's presence.
as a result i have decided to let go of the faith. i wish i had the faith to stick it out as Mamma T did. and some have suggested that that was my problem, that i gave up too easy. i don't know how to answer that other than to say that it seems messed up to me for god to string someone along like that with out a little help.
and you are right, the scriptures make it sound as if this dark night isn't part of the deal.
I know what she was speaking of. What saved me in my darkest time was "Footprints". I had it posted at my front door so before I left I read it and upon returning I read it. Many times a day I read it. When I couldn't read the Bible...I read it. When I felt totally abandoned I read it. I continually reminded myself that our God and our Lord loves us beyond measure...no matter what we think or what we feel.
To this day I fall back on Footprints as I don't always feel his love or his presence.
May I say this to Mike...I don't believe it is your problem. I truely believe if you can wash away everything everyone has said to you...pick up your Bible, ask God for understanding, and start reading any book (except Revelation) in the New Testament. It is the job of the Holy Spirit to lead and help you. You will find your way with His help...that's His job. (While you are at it, tell Him exactly what you think...He loves that)
mike- I think one of the main reasons Mamma T stayed faithful and focused through 50 years of dryness was in fact because she had felt extraordinary intimacy with the Lover in the years preceding the dry spell. This gave her reassurance that one day they would be together again. As she approached death, she could not stop talking about being with Jesus.
I do pray that the lover would seek you out and that you would experience a real, tangible, undeniable encounter with his/her otherworldliness and love- because I do think that even one touch can give a person the fire and strength and hope to face whatever life has to offer.
I don't have any explanations for the darkness or silence when we seek the lover, but deep down, I know it is still worth all of it- the search, the adventure, the faith.
Religion bites, but I don't think a life of love is wasted at all, no matter what the reward this side of eternity. Peace.
I'm processing this right now but I think it's something to discuss. I'll email you, okay?
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