another "fruitless" outing

I say fruitless in the American sense of the thought, not in the God sense. The American system is all about accomplishment, achievement, productivity, upward mobility. God's way is all about relationship, love, giving, humility, self-sacrifice, compassion, purity of heart...

Meshell called because she needed a ride to pawn her DVD player so that she could get some cash to buy some batteries for her hearing aid, so that she could hear during her food stamp phone interview the next day. While we were headed to the pawn shop, she told me she's putting her son Ricky in marial arts.

I don't think she's too good at math, or at planning, or at keeping her son from disappointment. Ricky is totally pumped about the class, but I can see that it won't last, although it would probably be really cool and socially beneficial for him. Meshell told me it costs $60/week, but you can pay something like $239 per month. I asked her how they were going to come up with some $230/month. She explained that they have a free tryout session the next night (if they can find a ride) and that they'll give him a free outfit and that you can make payments. I can tell that the mention of freebies, including free transportation from school and back home has totally blinded her from the fact that this venture will cost a veritable fortune for them. If Ricky even makes it to the next nights' meeting, they won't last past the first couple of payments and then they'll be in debt.

Then we get to the pharmacy for the batteries for her hearing aid and she comes back out empty handed. She explained that they don't have cheap batteries there, that she'd found some for $8.99, but that when she got to the cash register, they changed the price to $16. I'm thinking that if they'd thrown in some freebies, she'd have thought it was a steal and why $16 for the gift of hearing seems like a lot, but $230/month to teach her kid to kick is doable.

This is just another tactic of our capitalist economy- give them small free things, provide debt and drain them for every drop they have. They'll enter in gleefully and pay for the rest of their lives.

I don't like to make trips and not get what I went for. But I'm not sure that is what all of this was about. I don't think this is all about her spending or the ruses of our crocked capitalism (although that is just plain evil). The Lover said if they ask give and don't just go one mile, go two. If you serve the least of these, you've served Me. It doesn't all have to make sense, no matter that I would like it to. My place is just to be there and to love and be a friend (even when it makes no sense to me and drives me batty).

suspense to the last minute

I met Mbamie's husband tonight. His 4 1/2 year old daughter also met him, as well as his son (age 7 or 8) and wife who he hasn't seen in nearly 5 years. It was crazy, and dramatic and a wonder. I picked her up with her kids and tortured her with my camera and videos. They had a welcome home sign with them that some guy from an agency had made for them. It had 3 spelling errors in his name.

We were all excited, lined up, snapping pictures (me) as the plane unloaded. And he wasn't there. I am not kidding. He wasn't on the flight he was supposed to come on. Mbamie looked like she was about to pass out. She had already been jittery and filled with emotion thinking this may be it. Earlier someone had said- he's coming tonight and she had replied- "we'll see about that". When his flight arrived without him, well meaning people went scrambling to find out where he could be. One friend who had formerly worked with the organization that brings them assured Mbamie that 50% of the refugees don't make the last flight to the Fair Mother city, because it's such a small plane and hard to find and there is no one to help them find the plane at DFW.

He was on the next flight, for which we were all very grateful. His luggage was not. While they were trying to figure out the luggage, I played with the kids. A woman who had been wailing on a phone earlier looked at us strangely. When I sat next to her, she started talking French to Mbamie's daughter. After a while, I found out that she's originally from England, now from Washington and comes to visit her mom in Abilene once a year which in her words is very awkward. Her mom was not even there to get her. Her luggage hadn't shown up either. When I told her that the 5 year old on my lap had just met her dad for the first time, having been separated from him due to war, the distraught woman said that her problems palled in comparison.

At home, there was singing and prayer, then Mbamie started pulling out food. Another little five year old, her daughter's friend came up to me and said- my dad is not coming. He's dead.

When I think of the obstacles Mbamie and her family have been through it's heart wrenching and full of enigma's that are not easily understood, but at least there was finally some joy, some relief, some victory. Not all have fared as well.

One day he'll arrive

We were supposed to get Mbamie's husband today from the Fair Mother city's airport just before noon. Then they called and said it would be tonight. The next call said sometime tomorrow, but we don't know when. Mbamie is fine with it all and even expected it. She said it took them 3 days to come with all the immigration stuff and is just relieved he is in the US tonight.

May he get here safe and well and may they transition beautifully as they become a real family of 4 for the first time.

Frustrating to the max

I had a very bad afternoon. Actually, it was much worse for Meshell, but I had a small taste of the badness of what she probably goes through all the time. Want the gory details?

1-with no car, getting anywhere is a monumental task in and of itself. Meshell's aunt usually drives them, but this aunt has no phone. So if they want to go somewhere they either have to hope she drops by that day, or send a brother across town on a bike and hope she'll be coming.

2- having forgotten to give her mom her son's SS#, the mom was not able to get medicaid changed to their new address.

3- Meshell's son needs glasses. He broke them during the school year last year. Medicaid pays for one optometrist visit and pair of glasses a year, so she's trying to get him a new pair.

4- we go to medicaid to get a copy of his medicaid since it has not been delivered in 2 months.

5- we go to an appointment with his regular doctor so that he can get a referral for an optometrist (one of the hoops for medicaid).

6- I rearrange our life so that I can have the car. Although my son had a horrible night (and me- only 4 hours of sleep), I have to wake him up from his nap and get two cranky kids in a car to go get Meshell.

7- Meshell had arranged to pick up her son from school to take him to his eye appointment. He was supposed to be waiting in the office for us. We pull up as he's getting on the bus and thank the CEO that we arrived just then and were able to get him off the bus on time.

8- I get lost trying to find the doctor's appointment, since Meshell has no idea where it is and neither do I.

9- Got directions, arrived at DR's office 2 minutes before scheduled appointment.

10- My kids are cranky and pulling snacks out of the diaper bag as I read a gigantic sign that says absolutely no food or drink in waiting area.

11- Meshell is told that they can not accept a temporary medicaid card. I ask if we can call medicaid to verify payment (No), can we have them fax the card (No), can we sit in your office until you freaking serve us, do you have any idea all the hurtles, obstacles, tears, sacrifices, language problems, car issues, phone calls and close calls it took for us to get us to this place where you adamently refuse to help us.

12- take two cranky screaming toddlers back in car, after this totally wasted trip, we would have been much happier at home, Meshell wants me to stop at a convenience store, while the kids continue to scream in my car which is running, on what gas we have so we can stay cool- but I understand because I'm fantasizing about chocolate or something sweet at home to appease our totally frustrating outing- and I'm not even the one who needed help.

meanwhile a little boy in a new school can't see well all because of a totally messed up system. If they/we had money, cars, phones, a middle class life... none of this would have happened. You'd call up the eye doctor, make an appointment, go, buy glasses and leave a happy camper. Nothing is so easy to those without.

both? And?

One of my desires and prayers for many years was that we would be well established in ministry before I had kids. I knew I wanted kids, but also that I wanted to be in ministry, so I figured if we were already in a system, I could kind of just incorporate my kids in what I was already doing.

The ministry we were a part of went through major changes and came to a near standstill at the time that was right for us to start our family. So, now we have two children and ministry is not at all a system how I had thought it would be. We do what we see to do, but feel that there is "more out there for us" (whatever that means, whenever it may be). The other day, I was sighing because I thought we'd have to "start all over", or become part of something again only now I had kids and wouldn't be able to do as much, when I felt a gentle nudging that the Holy Spirit was trying to show me something.

Without consulting my plan or anything, I feel like He's orchestrated it this way so that my kids would be the underlying foundation and that other ministry would be the icing and not the other way around. I think it's a religious spirit in me that feels more gratified investing in "the lost" or others, when I have my own children who want and need love, opportunities to learn, experiences in worship and hearing the Lord and being read the same book a thousand times in a week.

At the same time I realized this, it seems like opportunities to serve and help others have multiplied, but I have also sensed profound gratefulness for being able to be with my kids, see them learn and grow and delighting in them.

judging

Yesterday was a little crazy, but worked out well. Agent B didn't have work and it seems that when that happens, it's a good thing, because I ended up with a bunch of errands for people and phone calling and he could keep the kids for me.

I happened by Meshell's house as I was out dropping off things all over town and found out she needed a ride to the medicaid office. I was also going to help Mbamie with medicaid stuff, so I had thought I'd do both at the same time, but never got a hold of Mbamie on time, so Meshell and I left. When we got there, there were 3 people in the room and one was Mbamie. It turned out great because she was going to walk home and instead we were able to get her a ride and help her find the rest of her son's school supplies.

On the way over, Meshell had told me that she was using the last of her sanitary napkins and I'd been wondering if I should buy her some, but money is tight right now, so I wasn't sure. She told me she had tried to get some from a church that morning and they didn't have any to give that day. As Mbamie is getting her son's supplies, Meshell picks out a soda to buy. Immediately I am in judgement mode. She did this the last time I was with her... telling me how she didn't have money for her son's school supplies, but wanting me to stop so that she can purchase sodas from the convenience store. I whispered to her, "do you want to get some more sanitary napkins while we're here?". She says "no, I'll wait 'til I get paid". I don't get it. You can get feminine products for a couple of bucks at the Dollar store, but instead she buys soda.

Then Mbamie once again teaches me about love. As she's paying for her son's supplies, she tells me to tell Meshell to add the soda to her stuff. Mbamie is struggling herself. A church had helped her with the rest of the school supplies at the beginning of the year and her she is being generous to my friend, who she had just met, while I judged her.

On the way home the Spirit also reminded me not to judge lest we be judged. Meshell could look at the way we spend money and be just as bewildered as I was with her. We have our splurges too that don't make sense. We make less money than her and her mom, but have high speed internet. We probably spend more on that each month than her sodas. I guess we all have our areas of questionable spending, but the issue is really my heart. Can I learn to just give even when it doesn't make sense, even if it's not necessities, even when the other person's life does not line up how I think it should?

Lord, forgive me.
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Pray that Mbamie's husband will arrive this time. A new date of Tues, Sept. 25th was given as his new arrival date!!

The kingdom of God is like...

cutting teeth.

There may be stuff going on for quite a while before anything is noticeable. It can be uncomfortable and irritating. It can be a time of testing, changing, growing, maturing. It brings beauty, maturity, loveliness, new abilities, strength. It is not always in the order we assume and can lead to surprising developments. It may not always look perfect, or "right", or "normal", but it is vital to life and health. As participants, we do surprisingly little to help it develop, just foster an environment of good nourishment, rest, peace, maybe a visit to a doctor here and there. Mostly, we just hang on and the fruit comes on its own. We try to help with the pain of the growing, but it mostly has to just happen and we stand back after in awe of the beauty and goodness of it.

Let the children come

Jenny and Sebastian have such sweet spirits. They have eaten with us on several occasions since they often show up as we are finishing up a meal or about to eat and they typically don't eat until really late. I've noticed that Jenny really enjoys it when we all pray for our meal. I don't think they have this tradition at her home, so when she comes over, if we haven't offered it, she demands that we all hold hands and pray together. Sometimes she wants to pray and other times, she just wants to agree with someone else's words.

AO1 learned a canned prayer from a video I was not all that crazy about, because it doesn't say much, but he loves to pray it and has gotten into the habit of adding his own personal thanks from things of the day. Today he added a thanks that we got to go on a walk and hear the high school band (as they rehearsed in the parking lot).

October is around the corner and the kids are already asking about costumes and if I'm going to put my "body" out. I had the idea one year to make a life sized Jesus risen from the dead as our Halloween front porch decoration. Jenny's friend remembered it and it lead to a sweet conversation about his death. Of course I tried to make Jesus look middle-Eastern and so kids mistook him for Osama bin Laden- oops!

this and that

Mbamie update: The embassy apologized to her husband for their mistake and told him to wait (again). The next group heading out will leave end of Sept. and the next in Oct. Hopefully he'll be in the first group. She has moved into her new apartment though, so they will be all ready for his arrival, whenever that will be!

Hot items: We have two hot items that brings a steady stream of contact from the neighbor kids. One is a bike pump. All throughout the summer we see our neighbor kids and their friends on a frequent basis to air up bike tires. I got this because I was tired of taking my and Princess' bike to the shop to be aired up. Ironically, we don't have any bikes, but we have a pump and it is used a lot. The second item cost me all of $20 over 10 years ago. It's hair clippers. I can't count the number of times it has chopped hair: mine, agent B's, AO1's, Obi-wan's, the Tiger's and his brother's. Around hair cutting time at the Sandfords, it will be used 2-3 times in a couple of days. It wouldn't take much for them to get one. I'm not sure why they don't, but I'm glad they come to borrow ours. It's fun to share and then we don't feel half bad when we borrow their lawn mowers.

They should be banned: Solicitors! I hate it. They prey on the ignorant, the uneducated, the impoverished. Mbro, Mbamie's brother, needs some foot surgery. They sent him to a private clinic where they wanted the several thousand dollars up front. They wouldn't even let him pay it out. So he refused to go there. He calls me for help filling out an application for some assistance. He couldn't understand the form, which is weird, because of all the group, he has been coping really well in English. He comes over and I couldn't figure out the form. It also came with this huge manual and CD-ROMs. I read the cover letter. It starts out: "We are so confident of our product and it's rewards for you" or some such nonsense and I get a bad feeling right away. As I read along, the feeling gets worse. They promise $25 000 to people who use their system and exclaim that the government just gives money out all the time and why not take advantage of it. I asked Mbro if he bought the book and materials (he did for $200!!!) There is a money back garanty (and a bunch of hoops to go through to get it). Considering the money he paid, I look through the entire book and nothing offers a bursary for the type of help he needs. Many people can sniff out these crooks right away, but for the person with limited language skills and big needs, these sound like an answer to prayers. Sounds more to me like our expression, being robbed blind.

Emergency prayers needed!

It was all set. After years of waiting, planning, applying and jumping through hoops, Mbamie's husband was supposed to leave Africa yesterday. But when he got to the airport, the other 7 people in the program were sent on without him. He's stuck in Africa. They said their was no visa in his passport.

Mbamie is not convinced. She thinks it is a twisted plot by a twisted individual to keep her husband in Africa. That sounds totally unreal, but I've been told this is an all too common malady and there is an individual who is mad as heck that he is leaving. This person could very well have given reasons to keep him from traveling. Jealousy is a vicious enemy. Her husband had not even told his family that he was leaving Africa until this past week for that very reason.

Pray for peace for Mbamie, faith and strength for her and her husband and that the enemy would not be able to keep them apart any longer. She is distressed to say the least.

At one point, he also lost his luggage containing all his documents, file, education certificates... but that was found. This process has been an agonizing one step at a time, a step forward and one back routine. NO MORE! May the doors open before him, the way be swift and the timing perfect.

The good in this is that she is trying to move to a bigger apartment and with many delays in that process only got the keys yesterday, so this gives her more time to prepare for his arrival.But I have the feeling that she would have much preferred the assurance of his safe arrival and their long awaited reunion (that was to be tonight) over another night of worry, frantic long distance calls and an apartment to move.

I'm free!

Jenny and I ended up at a pool Sunday. She'd been at our house, where we danced the morning away with the kids, then I said I was headed to the pool to do laps. She wanted to come. I explained that I was going to lap swim- not play with her. She still wanted to go and had the $5 to get in. Even when her brother couldn't go, she still insisted that she would enjoy being in the pool even if I didn't play with her.

I did my laps, feeling somewhat guilty, but decided I could still have my time and be considerate of her by playing with her after. We hung out in the shallow end with her new friend. (I love how kids make friends wherever they go- a good lesson for adults). Then she told me she wanted to jump into the deep end, but was afraid. I learned that she had never been off a diving board.

She is not an excellent swimmer. Lots of people from poorer families cannot swim well. There are no swimming lessons, camps, sports, organized activities, classes or music lessons when money is an issue. So we worked on her floating and her backstroke some. But she could make it far enough to jump in the deep end and make it to the side, so we moved on.

At first we jumped in holding hands at the 6 foot, then progressed 10 foot, 12 foot. I tried to convince her once she was jumping and didn't touch the bottom that it didn't matter how deep it was, it would be the exact same, but she could look and see that it was deep and that produced all kinds of terror.

Eventually I got her to jumping in by herself. I told her to count to three and yell "I'm free" while jumping. It was awesome to see her soaring through the air. While she was facing her fear, I thought I should face mine too- diving off the diving board. I've always had a good excuse not to, since you can't go off the diving board with goggles on and I wear contacts, which means I'd need the goggles in the water. But that day, I didn't have my contacts in and I was pretty much blind- which was both a problem and advantage on the board. It was hard to tell where the surface was to dive into, yet it looked less scary not seeing all the detail.

I got on the board and remembered being Jenny's age doing the same thing. It was very scary. She kept walking on, then off, on and off. I had to suck it up and just go if I was to show her how to do it courageously. I cast off fear and went for it. It was amazing. What a thrill! What freedom! (And a little pain where I'd slapped my forehead with the water's surface, I tucked it in better the next time!)

I got to watch Jenny go off the side of the board, which the kind lifeguard eventually put a stop to (kinda dangerous). We were trying to coax her off the end, time was running out as the pool was about to close and while we were looking for my lost earing, she just went for it and flew off the end of the diving board. You should have seen her smile! She jumped off a half dozen times before they closed up. It was incredible and such a privilege for me to be there for this momentous leap for her and me.

We will always share the memory of that special experience.