spiralling

Miller asked me a few weeks ago where I saw myself in ministry or something to that effect. I basically answered I don't know. I went to school to study missions and discovered that living missionally doesn't require a degree, in fact a degree often hampers relationship and realness. There was good that came out of it however. While in school I started helping at Izzy (a ministry to the working class poor and homeless). Agent B joined me and we thought we had found our nitch forever. Through several years and numerous situations, the CEO whittled us back to where we are today- living in the mother city, waiting and trying to live in love with our neighbors.

While in school, I became passionate about spiritual nurture and seeing people raised up into their giftings to help others. I was also obviously interested in the inner city culture. What I found was that no one or few crossed those two boundaries. I found no books on the poor being missional, nor did I find ministries here who had any concept of this. So I wrote a paper on raising up the poor into ministry. Looking back I find it shortsighted and arrogant. I carried my shortsighted, arrogant ignorance with me to the streets and while my coworkers at Izzy do not see it as I do, I felt in my heart that I had allowed my flesh to dictate the way I ministered (especially near the "end"). I feel that I hurt some of the ones I was trying to befriend and while I tried to seek forgiveness, bridges were already burnt.

Meanwhile the CEO put us in a time of waiting giving me plenty of time to question my purpose, my ministry, my life. Part of me has wondered if I am just to stay on the sidelines and raise our kids. I have learned to listen more and learn from the poor instead of going in as the one with the answers (ironically this is the first and most important thing taught in missions, which I knew in my head, but not in my heart).

What I have noticed is that the Lover has gently led us on the path we are on, both of us. It has been so wonderful to be able to tag team and go out to be with people swapping the kids between the two of us. It has also been awesome to take the children with us to be with others, as they learn and teach us to love. I cringe when people ask me my profession. I wouldn't say I've come full circle and see myself as a minister, although that is what I often reply. I'm just trying to love the Lover and love others.