Raising them in???

My favorite question to ask parents is: What is the best thing you have done as a parent? I get lots of good answers and it helps to remember the most important things, get ideas and share experiences, but I heard an answer recently that stopped me in my tracks.

The mom answered that the best thing she had done was to raise her kids in church.

She went on to explain that she had lived a wild life, and that although her kids are now adults making their own choices, they always come back.

I don't think she meant it in a bad way, but it struck me that this is some twisted kind of perversion.

I was studying at a COC univ. when a prof asked what our religious tradition focused on the most out of the 8 tenets of the faith: God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Church, salvation, the struggle of good and evil, time and eternity... (can't remember the last one). The unanimous declaration was that we focused on Church the most. I remember my version of "witnessing" as a teen was not to tell people about the Lover, but to tell them about church- like somehow if they would just make it through the doors of our building, they would become sanctified. I remember thinking that it was me and the other christians I saw on Sundays at our building trying to convert the rest of the city's population. This was not taught overtly, but somehow this was the message I received.

Prov.22:6 does say: "train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it", but our rock is the Lover (God, Jesus and Holy Spirit- and there are three parts, not just two), not religion, or a system, structure or weekly ritual.

I do think it's essential for my children to know and interact with other followers of the Lover. I am only a very small part of a much larger picture, the body. I wouldn't want them to only see a tendon- or worse, an ingrown toenail. But so many times it's like we've decapitated Christ, the head, with all our stale forms. He's out loving and caring for people while we (and I mean me too) squabble over stupid, stupid issues.

"You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life"- John 5:39-40- The Lover's pointed remarks to the religious people of his day. I don't think it would be a stretch to translate it into our day as follows:

You unfailingly attend meetings, because you think that by attending, by placing membership, by being a part of THE (ie. your version of the) "church" you possess eternal life... yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

How many times has this been the state of my heart? And do we care so much about LIVING in Him, about KNOWING Him, about the taking up our cross and following him, sacrificially, giving up all we have for Him? or am I just looking for some cheap fire insurance? A free entrance into heaven card?

To be SOMEONE

There is a billboard that I find incredibly insensitive, demeaning and arrogant. It's on Ambler, on the route to 2 out of our 3 very expensive, Christian Universities in the city. The advertisement has a Hispanic mother and daughter smiling on it with the words (in Spanish): my mother encouraged me to go to university so that I could be someone.

I'm sure this sign is meant to inspire and elevate and encourage people who have often found difficult paths in this state. I think it is portraying a misguided worldview from the middle class perspective- that education can MAKE a person. Why is it that our society and our actions value someone with more education? Or who makes more money? This is so utterly contrary to what the Lover taught. He made the poignant lesson of washing his disciples feet, although they called him "teacher". What if we valued people who serve, who love, who give of themselves sacrificially over what degrees someone has, what the person drives or how that person can impress others?

I don't think simply going to university can "make" a person and often it makes us worse, not better: more arrogant, more self-reliant, more stratified in our society, instead of encouraging greater love and greater respect of others.

Furthermore, the unwritten (and probably unmeant) meaning behind this billboard is that by NOT going to university, you are a nobody. This is where the sign really bites. It's in a poor neighborhood with a high Hispanic population. How many of them have been to university? How many of them see this sign and feel that they are a failure every time they read it? How many times do our "good intentions" to help people learn to "fish for themselves" really become daggers that stab them in the back and keep them down? The CEO gave the Lover as our perfect example. He emptied himself, became a servant, as low as he could become and the CEO elevated Him to the place that is above all others. I think so many times we are trying to make ourselves a place instead of taking the path of humility. At least that's what our culture tells us to do.

Lover, Give us eyes to see and ears to hear the truth. Forgive us for our ideals which fly in the face of your principles. Forgive us for the hurt we cause others day in and out by our ignorance, our arrogance and insensitivity. Bless the humble workers. The millions who day in and out serve us. May we learn from them and find joy and life in the most menial of tasks and realize that our worth is not in what we do or a title or a job, but in You.

O Woe is me!

A friend of mine posted this and it blew me away.



During the first half, I kept saying: "Lord, help her". During the second half, I kept saying: "Lord, help me".

I have such miniscule views, such limited insight, so many stilted perceptions, so much judgement. Help me Lord.

Here is an article on this amazing woman, with courage to explain her life to many of us who do not even deserve an explanation. But I am thankful that she showed me how little I comprehend.

How often have I judged others or thought lesser of them because they are older, "weaker", younger, mentally or physically "handicapped", less educated, more educated, or generally different from me? It makes me realize all the more how very precious every single one of us are in the eyes of the CEO. The Lover said He came for those who are sick, not those who are well. That is a good thing for me I suppose, because it seems every day I discover more and more how very ill I am.

our not so "good news"

Anonymous- who is welcome to remain anon as long as he/she likes in my opinion and should feel safe to comment at will here (hint hint)- ahem, has asked a very good question that has been running around in my head lately.

Do you think that sometimes we try too hard to establish a relationship? Do you want to be her friend or are you looking to change her?

Here is the crux of the matter. I think so often in our church history and in my personal history, we've swapped out the "great commandments" with the "great commission". The Lover told us the heart of the matter is to love God and love others, but instead we act like the most important thing is to make disciples and not really disciples of the Lover, but of ourselves and not really disciples (I mean that would mean getting close) we'd rather just make "converts" a nice word for getting someone dunked or prayed for or speaking in tongues or "attending church" (whatever your definition of conversion is) so that we can feel like we've "done our part".

I Cor. 13 has been a real slap in the face to me of late. The first part sounds awesome: if I can speak in the tongues of men and angels, if I can prophesy, if I can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, if I have faith to move mountains, if I give all I possess to the poor- I would love to have even a bit of any one of those and lots would be better. But it says if I have all that but NOT LOVE- I am an IRRITATING NUISANCE, I AM NOTHING, I GAIN NOTHING. Well, that about hits it all. Aren't we trying to convert so that we can shine, so that we can BE SOMEONE, so that we can GAIN God's favor? I know that is what is in my heart much of the time.

What if we rewrote Jesus' stories the way we actually think? The Good Samaritan takes care of the robbed man and (what we think Jesus must have left out) tells the man the plan of salvation, gives him a tract, explains to him a better way to live... Is that not how we act? How I act?

And yet, He does tell us to make disciples of HIM. He also says that being a friend is sharing all that the Father has revealed to Him (John 15:15). I don't think we can be true friends without sharing the abundant life the Lover freely offers.

All of that to say that I don't know how to reconcile the disparities between how the Lover wants me to live, act, think and the religion that propels me to ruin (myself and others).

Anon- I'd love to hear your perspective and receive your counsel... and any others (including all other anons, and Miller and Agent B too ;)

menagerie

MJ has been on my mind lately. We have been meeting for a couple of years as I've tried to help her with her reading. She wants to improve, but seems to find a thousand excuses from week to week, so instead of meeting once a week it becomes more like once a month, which is frustrating at times and a welcome reprieve at others, when I have things going on. But I keep wondering what the Lover would have me do. I think there are other issues behind the excuses, like it's hard, inconvenient, work, humiliating??? I left a message a few days ago saying I didn't know if we should keep trying to meet. She replied back with a message that she's sorry she's just been sick a lot and will try to call when she's better. She does seem to have weird sickness deals, she also has stayed up all night on the phone deals, or am helping the neighbor deals. Lover, direct us in this.

Went to see Big Buddy at the hospital. He was in the worst shape I've ever seen him. When I walked in, he was trying to get himself out of bed (with IV and amputated limb and all). He kept arguing with me and his niece about locking away his second remote controle (he thought he was at home), wanted to know where his knife was and was so utterly confused it was scary. The nurse said it was the effects of the morphine and they were getting him off it and giving him other pain meds. His niece suggested reading the bible to him, but that didn't calm him down and neither did lunch- he didn't want any of it and hasn't been able to keep foods down yet in any case. What did help were the kids. I could put AO2 in his face and he'd be like himself saying how beautiful she was and cooing at her and trying to make her smile. He was concerned that AO1 was getting stuck in a chair (he wasn't), but yesterday said something like: "that child coming in here, looked like he brought the spirit back in me".

I've been praying about Jessie. I saw her at the Sanford's bbq and she was obviously upset, but she said she just had something in her eyes (yeah, they're called tears). I told her that day and called her to tell her if she needed to talk I was here. This morning I had thought of calling her to go to the park with me, but then another friend called me first. I kept wondering if I had been supposed to call Jessie instead. The Spirit is so much better than I in orchestrating these things, 'cause she called today out of the blue, so we're meeting tomorrow. Help me Lover to be a true friend to her. It's hard hanging out with Jessie and so many in her culture. Making conversation is often so strained. I've joked with her that I can do both parts of our talks...

Agent Wife: What are you doing?
Jessie: nothing
AW: How was your day?
Jessie: OK
AW: What are you going to do tomorow?
Jessie: nothing
AW: What are your desires/ hopes/ dreams? (I didn't ask it like this, but have brought it up through conversation before)
Jessie: I dunno
AW: Could anything possibly be more boring than this conversation?
Jessie: maybe
(last question was voiced repeatedly in my head)

lost sheep pursued

Being a friend to Princess has not been a particularly rewarding experience for oh, the last 3 years or so. Since she entered the teen years and slightly before, she has become aloof and very unappreciative. She does not seem excited to see me or have a part in my life or me in hers, however every time I've asked or if anyone else has asked if she'd like to terminate the match (through BBBS, Big Brothers, Big Sisters), she replies in her very cool demeanor, "no". Many people have tried to discourage me from continuing on with her, from family to the case worker at the juvenile "correction" center to the very same BBBS organization that hooked us up in the first place.

I've wondered the same myself. Doesn't it say to shake the dust off our feet and move on or that bewildering "cast not your pearls before swine" scripture, which if I want to interpret religiously and so find a loophole out of this "unfulfilling" relationship, I could.

But as I prayed for her one day, begging the Lover to pursue Princess relentlessly and to never give up on her, I felt Him answer back to me why should He if I don't. So I write, never hearing a reply. My heart weeps every time my son calls out her name. My ego is broken every time I face the empty mail box. And I hope and hope and hope and hope that somehow my love will make a difference. There are no outward signs that it will, but for this one promise: love conquers all.

Big Buddy

Agent B has shared about our dear friend Big Buddy (Obi-wan) who is being daily taunted by the scalpel. He's scheduled for a leg amputation. I can not imagine what that would be like. I also know that he is in so much pain that he just wants it gone. His only fear is that the pain from the leg being gone will match or surpass the pain from his foot's infection.

Other pains are showing their ugly faces and I'm not sure how we are to deal with them. I really believe Big Buddy is loving having his niece and son here with him through all of this and some great healing has occurred between father and son- praise be to the Lover who has answered this prayer. We've kept our distance to let the family be together, plus we are just not sure how we all fit. I imagine it would be hard to see strangers who obviously love your dad and are loved by him when all your life you've received harsh words and actions from him. We just got to see another side of him. Meanwhile, we have found the family difficult because they are the worst listeners I've ever met and at times belittling to us. I thought Big Buddy was oblivious to this since it's his family, but he is frustrated. He wants them to think like he thinks, to act how he would have them act, to be more like him.

I think we are all like that. Even when we hate things in ourselves, we really deep down think we are right, we have the answers. At least, that's how I feel so much of the time and am not sure how to get out of this warped idea of myself- except I guess to shut up and listen. To learn from others and most of all watch for the ways of the Lover in all situations.

I'm not sure how we are to be in this place and time, except that we are to love unconditionally, no matter how different others are or act or talk. May I be compassionate and understanding and giving and forgiving here and now.

Lover, give Big Buddy peace. Peace in his body and with his relatives and friends.

Sacrificial giving

I'm not very good at giving and certainly not very good at sacrificial giving. Just this week I've seen how crafty I have become at guarding my comfort and how lousy I am at putting the needs of others first. I get rolling with my preconceived ideas and don't like them being derailed.

Today, I was slapped in the face (figuratively) when I realized how overly protective of my finances I am. It's easy to say we can't give to xyz because we don't have an income and are very often without extra funds. But I don't think that's how it works. Grandma Nelly and I visited some friends we haven't seen in a while. Beatrice is on a fixed income. She was apologizing to us for having to visit her in her bedroom due to the fact that she closes down the rest of her house to keep her heating bills down. She uses one small space heater to heat her one room and her electric bill for that was $200 last month. She was apologizing that her place was a mess. She makes $20 over the limit to receive help from home health for a cleaning lady. She also had an extra $80 taken out one month because medicare doesn't cover all her needs. While we were visiting, some kids came to the door asking for money. I overheard them: "we have to get money for people to help find a cure for cancer". It didn't even sound like the kids knew what it was they were collecting for, which apparently didn't matter to Beatrice, because when asked she said some neighbor kids were collecting for some school thing. In my mind, I'm already thinking tell them "sorry" and close the door. That's what I do. But she said she thought she had a couple of dollars left after getting groceries and... she gave it to them.

The Lover talks about the widow giving her all, ALL that she to live on. In suburbia, we call that foolish, in kingdom life it's beautiful, a masterpiece heart by the masterpiece maker. He said "ask and you will receive". How many times have people asked me and I've sent them away empty handed? He said "give and it will be given to you"- and no the point isn't to give so that I can get back more- although I've heard this preached more times than I can count. But perhaps at times our lack is due to the fact that I've become so good at closing the door, at making excuses, at saying no, when I actually serve the Yesman, the one who gave until it hurt, who gave until he bleed sweat, tears and blood, who gave until it killed him and still gives today.

Lover, give me that heart, help me to be more like you, and like Beatrice.

Fleeing the Savior complex

We had started a bible study group because several ladies asked if we could have one which was like a neon flashing light that it was time to step our casual visits up a notch. When we asked the Lover what to call the group, we heard "friends". We should have taken the not so blatant hint there and then, that we are called to be true friends, but we have so many trappings and so many walls, it's hard to live this out without all our religiosity. I mean the groups were good. The Lover showed up, relationships were built and there was a sense of friendship- but I know there should have been so much more.

Sylvia, one of the most enigmatic homeless people I know, the one filled with the most demons, also has the greatest insight. She said once- "if we were FRIENDS (with sneering voice) we would do things friends would do like go to the mall or to the movies and hang out". In other words- you are prancing around with your bible and religion asking people to come and be friends, but you hold them at a distance and just want them to attend your little group, feel good about yourself, go home to your family at 5pm and socialize with your REAL friends.

There are several pitfalls to ministry. One is to become calloused and another is to think too highly of oneself. One can also become both calloused AND prideful. A young single mom we hung out with often (like once a week, in twos, like the Jehovah witnesses) asked if we could hang out in the evening- my reaction: that's time for me and the agent- of course I never said that and I never rearranged my thinking to make room for someone who needed family, friendship, love.

I've been thinking a lot of yet another face from our past. The Lover made me realize that Meshell came to our groups because what she really wanted was a friend. She jumped through our hoops and showed interest, but when we didn't take it a step further, closer to realness, to honesty, to being there when she needed us, not when it was convenient for us, she fizzled out. I've been repenting for not being a true friend for her.

From time to time, she will call me (always a new number and address). I've been asking the Lover to have her call so that I can try to be a real friend, like go for coffee and talk about our kids and listen... to give ME another chance with her. Out of the blue, Grandma Nelly tells me she ran into Meshell, that she was living on Park street, where Nelly's church has started to visit as an ongoing, relationship building, neighborhood outreach. This is the second person recently who I've run into that used to visit the ministry who is now being befriended by another group.

In these not so subtle ways, the Lover reminded me that He cares for His people much more than I. That I can come and go out of their lives, but that He is always there. We may have been removed from their lives, but He will use others to love and reach out and care for His sheep, that lone wanderer, lost in the hills. searching for a friend.

the whole school thing

On my "real" blog, the issue about prayer in the schools was brought up and I thought I'd present my secret agent perspective here. I'm not against public prayers. I think it is important to pray together as families, as communities as the body. However, I think most our prayer work is done personally. We are the CEO's temple and we are to be a house of prayer and pray without ceasing. The privilege of us agents is to be able to communicate to the CEO anytime, anywhere. Schools can not take that away, nor can any institution. Rom.8- not life or death, not angels or demons, not anything in all creation can keep us from this transfer of love called prayer. What is at stake in the debate of prayer in the schools is public or communal prayer- and I agree that it should not be a part of school. Jesus taught us to beware of praying to be seen, on the street corners and to pray behind closed doors- this is the heart of the secret agent. But it is not a thing of being ashamed of the faith or of hiding. If we were in a muslim country, I would not like the schools to force my children to recite muslim prayers and I don't think it's fair that we should do the same just because we call ourselves a "christian" nation. To love people of other faiths would not be to force our religion or prayers on them. Furthermore forced prayer (as in someone praying for an assembly or sports team when EVERYONE is not an agreeing christian) as well as forced religion has always miserably failed. The best thing to bring a more christian atmosphere to the school would be the persecution of christians. Historically and currently in the world, the growing movements are where people are authentically loving and living as the Lover did through and despite persecution.

And although I know that home-schooling is life giving in many instances, as a secret agent, we are purposeful about engaging culture. We don't want to shy away from the hurts, the pains, the "sins" and sinners, but become friends, especially to those who are having troubles, the misfit, the poor, the bully. These are the children who hurt the most and what a better place to find them and become a natural part of their lives than through school? If the kingdom belongs to our Christlike children, why take the kingdom livers out where their greatest influence could be?

I can't foresee our future, and I may totally change my mind when we get there, but as of now, I'm excitedly looking forward to the time when our kids are in the public school system. Excited for the people we will meet, parents and kids, excited about having them in our home or going with them on trips or helping them with studies. What if our kids classes started to experience community and love and sharing? What if we had clothes swaps and free tutoring and exciting activities that brought the kids together outside of class? Parties that included and made every child feel loved- like they belonged? What if they learned to serve others together, these kids of different cultures and backgrounds and socio-economic classes? I think it would look more and more like the kingdom and prayer would not be an issue- if you can or can't- it would be as natural as breathing. It would be a movement. It would change lives, the school and whole communities.

From the lips of children case#2

AO1 can bring me to tears with his spiritual insight and I'm not easily brought to tears. If anything, I'm too stoic. I'm trying to overcome this. We've talked about Adam and Eve, you know the mommy version...

Adam and Eve disobeyed God. They got a spanking. Then AO1 asked about the Lover, so I replied that he always obeyed and never got a spanking (he did get whipping and lashing and all sorts of other hateful things, but that's for another cheery night time story).

Several nights later, AO1 sees the picture of Adam and points to it. He then had this powerful message:

"Jesus obey.

AO1 obey too.

People obey.

People changing".

I've never even heard him use the word "changing", but that is exactly what he said.

I am so thankful. Far too often I get overly cynical. I go through the motions and pray for people, but not always whole heartedly, not really believing change can or will happen, relying too much on what my eyes see and on what history suggests instead of clasping to eternal truths, those the Spirit so kindly whispers to me through the lips of a child.

From the lips of children case#1

From the lips of children and infants, you have ordained praise (or strength) because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.- Psalm 8:2

I'm not sure what all this means, but as we journey together and observe maybe we can decipher it a bit. To tell you the truth, when I came across this text, I was taken aback by the 2nd half. I'm thinking children's words are sweet, cute and... you know, child-like. Here it says the Lover gave children and infants sounds because of His enemies, that they silence the foe and the avenger. Mark 10:14 says the kingdom of God BELONGS to them.

From the AO1 files:
We were driving, when out of the blue, he said: "Princess hiding?" I said: "no, but we need to pray for Jesus to deliver Princess". Immediately, I hear him use his prayer voice (it's gentle and quieter). I didn't make out most of his words, but he said: "Jesus.....Princess....Jesus". He prayed for about 30 secs which is a long time in his 2 year old lifetime.

crazy

Last night was a bad night. Our daughter awoke at the dark hour of 2:30am. I had had a really busy day previous, starting 2.5 hours earlier than usual and really wanted sleep, needed sleep. I tried to nurse her back to sleep, but had about reached my limit. I don't know how to describe it, but at times I am overcome with this horrid feeling, like my head is filled with ants. I get all uncomfortable and squirmy. She was almost asleep as I'd nursed her 30 minutes, so I laid her down. She woke up. I thought maybe she'd fall back asleep since she had a full tummy and listened to her cry for the next 30 min. at which point I told agent B (hubby) it was his turn. His turn didn't go so well either and he brought her to our bed. She fell asleep THERE, nuzzled between us, but I can't get deep sleep with her in our bed, and I was getting more and more frustrated, so I tried to transfer her. Big mistake. She awoke again. I really felt like I could lose it, that I couldn't deal with her and dropped her in bed with the agent, where she continued to cry for another 30 min.

Finally it dawned on me to pray she would have peace and sleep. The Lover must have known that I needed peace as much, if not more than her, because with the prayer said, I had the ability to go to her again and hold her and love her until she fell asleep again in my arms. This time the transfer worked. I was finally back in bed, but the squirmy discomfort was still wreaking havoc in my mind.

With this supernatural war occurring within me, I started thinking of Princess. I started remembering some of her many episodes- when her "alternative" school locked her up in a padded room, alone with a camera watching her (which she repeatedly- I don't know how- escaped from). When I asked her what was going on in her when she lost it at school, she tried to explain, but couldn't and started having a fit (she was about 8 years old then). I prayed over her, told the demons to leave and finally just chanted the name Jesus with her over and over until calmness was returned to her.

I remembered the time she couldn't deal with an issue and locked herself in the bathroom, throwing a total fit. I tried calling out to her from the other side and when that didn't work, just stood there silently, praying in tongues for her IN MY HEAD with a hand on the door. She opened it long enough to tell me to stop praying and slammed it again.

I thought of so many others who suffer from mental illness, many of whom are homeless (they say something like 30% of homeless people have mental problems).

I had a little more sympathy, a little more understanding and empathy and a few more prayers for them last night. Lover, deliver us. Deliver Princess and so many others who need your hand of comfort, of peace, of love.