Hope in the desert

We have noticed for quite a while that the CEO has had us in a kind of a desert. It has been a time of questioning and re-evaluating, of being separated, discarding things that have enslaved us and looking toward a new land or purpose. We do not know fully where we are headed, but have sensed the CEO's presence throughout and know that He is leading us and wooing us to Him as our hope and all.

In the spring, my mother asked me to paint for her a picture of a scene from Jamaica. I was surprised when I saw the picture. She was bursting with excitement over it and all I could see was a dead looking tree. I've been to Jamaica and know that it is full of exotic beauty, so why had she chosen this scene. I asked her why it had meaning to her and there were many depths of appeal for her, but some of it was the lilies with red stripes that only bloom at Easter- like it was a sign of Jesus' death and resurrection. She mentioned the mystery of the fog and the massive tree with fungus like plants growing from it. I then asked my aunt (the tree is in her yard) for the names of the tree and plants so that I could more accurately paint it. She told me that the tree looses all it's leaves right before it produces a huge crop of plum fruits. I was soon seeing that the CEO was speaking to my heart about the desert and the resurrection. Can you imagine those days when the Lover lay in the tomb and all hope was gone? The disciples had a thick fog over their understanding, just as we do as we go through the desert periods of our lives, not knowing what is going on, everything looks bleak, and yet, AND YET- the greatest period of fruitfulness, worldwide transformation was on the brink of occurring. The tree, the body of Christ seemed to be void of life, but there were hints, all of creation pointed to the fact that He was not completely dead. A great pulsing and activity was occurring in the heavenly realms, shielded from human eyes, but detectable to those who see by faith... the resurrection was yet to come and life would burst forth.

I wrote a poem to go along with the picture. Here they are:

Blind Sleep of Death

Apparently dead
To the innocent ignorants
Desperate tears
Drench the earth
The greatest of hopes
Buried deep
Under ground.

Falling
Like dry crumpled leaves
A thick fog
Envelops the mourners
Just like the heavy
Sadness that threatens
To suffocate them.

“Don’t give up”, says the blind man.
“Wait”.

Wild, uncultured
Reaching, fungal plants
Feast on the stagnant
Naked corps
A mockery to the greatness
Of an unquenchable life
Lying too still.

“Deceptively quiet”, says the blind man.

A sweet melodic fragrance
Rises up
Out of the mire
Swaying in a gentle breeze
Trumpeting the first hints
Of victory
While the mighty King lays dead.

“The kingdom advances”, says the blind man.

Blood and water
Poured out death
Drink deeply
Feast and live
Crimson red rivers
Streak the white burial shrouds
Delicate goblets of milk and wine.

“It is finished”, says the blind man.
“Wipe your tears”.

Pulsing, dripping, bursting
From the naked branches
Reaching high into the heavens
Big stretch, yawn
Ripe with life
Luscious fruit cascading through
The apparently dead laughing man.

Hog plum
Hog plum
Mombin death
Wild pine
Milk and wine
Bougainvillea

BREATH!

global village

We are being stretched and challenged by many posts, videos, thoughts… concerning the global village, consumerism, our impact on the world by our purchasing choices and affluent lifestyles in North America. It is sickening that resources are robbed, nations impoverished and people mistreated so that I can live an easier, more comfortable, faster and luxurious life. I don’t know what all the solutions are, but something must be done, anything and everything to correct this grave imbalance. Ezekiel 34 seems to be speaking directly to us today concerning the greed and wastefulness in our fattened “Christian” nation that continues to demand for more and more goods at the expense of others.

“Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?” Ez. 34:18-19

Forgive us Lord and show us the way to bring your love, life, healing and resources to those in need.

Big Buddy/ AKA Obiwan

We got to visit our neighbor and friend in the hospital today after his second leg amputation. He had the other over a year ago I guess. This one doesn't seem to have taken quite as well it seems as he has had to receive blood, but his spirits are still up. He says he gets a visitor whenever the pain gets really bad and he needs someone to talk to, so that is amazing that the lover sends someone over just as he needs a friend. Today he was teasing the nurses as usual. They were trying to make his bed more comfortable as it keeps bunching all up on him and he told one of the nurses that his foot was on the floor. Of course he doesn't have any feet anymore, but she quickly tried to shift around his stump until she saw that he was laughing. The kids colored him a card while we visited and he said how he wished he had some colors up there to mess around with- well what do you think is wrapped under our tree for him? The CEO is so cool at times it just blows my mind.

He gave me a couple of dreams last night too, reassuring me about our walk in life outside of church walls and another about a big Christmas gift issue for the kids. I had barely realized that I was stressing about these and hadn't prayed really for direction, but when I awoke this morning, I saw that He was showing me truths about these situations, direction and assurance so that I would have peace. Who am I that He would go through all this effort to calm my heart when I hadn't even asked Him to? So generous, so merciful, so gracious and loving... that He is.

the CEO's economy

Agent B was mocking me saying that I am nesting. Maybe so. I thought that I'd have all sorts of time to get ready for our 3rd baby once I had stopped keeping the extra boys I watched for the last 11 months, but then I suddenly realized it's Christmastime and my parents are coming and we are about to have a baby... Plus, I've felt like the CEO has had us on a bit of a hiatus with regards to reaching out to the marginalized, who I am thankful to say, in our small circle of a few families are no longer needy, needy of us, but more and more like friends, just calling from time to time to say hello and update us on what is going on in their lives. However, this morning I have something very awesome to report.

So, I haven't had much time to dwell on this pregnancy. We've already had two, so I wasn't really concerned about having stuff and I've been too busy to really prepare. A little while ago, a friend asked me if I needed anything. She had her daughter not quite a year ago and was wondering if I needed anything or wanted to use her clothes. I said that I had saved "unisex" clothes, but not any of our daughter's things and so was a little sad not to have girl clothes for this baby. She said "I've got you covered, I'll pass on all my totally cute girl clothes to you." She brought me her 0-3month clothes and last night I was going through them. They are so precious and beautiful and plentiful. Then I went to my "unisex" boxes, which I had thought were plenty and was shocked to realize that we only had a few days of clothes for the baby at each stage.

You see, I had saved our son's clothes over a year, knowing we wanted more children. But when we found out our second was a girl and that Princess' sister was having a boy, we felt it was time to get the "river" flowing again. All our boy clothes had been given to us. In fact, to this day, we have bought only some night time t-shirts and socks for him and he's 4 years old. The same with my daughter. We haven't bought her any clothes. People have always just given us clothes and family have made or bought them new clothes too. We felt that the clothes needed to be shared. Who were we to keep them when they had all been given to us in the first place? (I'm not saying everyone has to do this, but for us, that is what we felt). Plus, who knows if we'll have a boy again?

When we had our daughter, Princess' sister had a girl too, so we just did the same passing it on. I felt like the CEO said that he would always provide and not to hold on to it all. I was nearly in tears last night when I saw that He had fulfilled His promise. I really had thought we had a bunch of clothes. I remember feeling overwhelmed with all the clothes my daughter had and here we opened up the boxes to find we had given it ALL away! Then the wisdom of the CEO hit me. My daughter was born in the summer and this baby is coming in Jan., which means that the clothes would have all been the wrong season if I had kept them. The unisex stuff is all the right season somehow and the baby we were handing clothes down to, eventually grew too big to be getting our hand-me-downs. This means that at about 18months, when my friend's daughter will be wearing her clothes longer and may not be able to pass them to us in time and when the seasons will no longer matter, we will have our own girl clothes to use again.

I didn't even realize that we were down to crunch time with the baby's arrival and that she would have been near naked if the CEO hadn't already taken care of the situation- AS HE HAD SAID- all that time ago. Give and you will receive and your joy will be complete. His way is better. Our old clothes would not have worked, but these are the perfect ones and the perfect timing and in the giving and receiving, we know both the Lord's provision and a friend's love. The kingdom is so awesome!!!

My toddler teacher

For the last three weeks, the kids and I have talked about and done activities based on the three persons of the Trinity. Last week was the Holy Spirit, who I think is the least talked about of the three, the least understood, the least sought after and the most critical in our day and age. Jesus said to let him go because he was going to send the Holy Spirit who would instruct each of us. I think the Holy Spirit is intimidating to us, at least He is to me, because I don't like to die to myself and too often I am not praying His will be done and let me know you more, but what is He going to ask of me? Will I fail? Can I do it? I don't like dying to myself... And yet that is the essence of living, it is in the dying and giving.

We can't spend much on Christmas gifts, but we try to give something small to family and friends, something homemade maybe or meaningful to show our love. We also try to encourage the kids to be generous. I was thinking we should give something to the kids I have kept for the last year and asked AO#1 and #2 if they wanted to give something. AO#1 said he wanted to give the older boy his grabber. I couldn't believe it. He just got this for Christmas, from his nanna no less and it's his favorite gift. The boys fought over it just last week. I kept asking him, are you sure you want to give that? You can't take it back once you give it. It won't be yours anymore... I even got a small item from the dollar store as an alternate gift (which was most likely my flesh, because I am not the best giver and have a hard time giving things away). As I wrapped up the gifts, AO#1 added a stuffed animal of his (again one of his favorites), then went around the house looking for things to give to his friends. He brought me the grabber and told me he wanted to add it to the gift. I asked agent B what he thought (still being stingy) and agent B said he did not want to discourage generosity. Then he asked AO#1 why he chose that toy and the 4 year old's reply was that the Holy Spirit told him to give it. He gave his best, his favorite and is jumping for joy, so excited for his friend to make the great discovery of such a great gift. That's the kingdom and that's why the Lord said it belongs to the children. Even as I struggled with my flesh, I heard the Lord say to me: "would you keep your son from loving me like this?" Pure worship, pure love. I want more of that.

at home with each other

Last weekend, Agent B had a gig, so the kids and I headed over to Big Buddy's. It was one of the most incredible times with him ever. There was nothing spectacular. The tv was blaring, but at least nothing horrid was playing this time. A0#1 watched some of the football game while we visited and played. AO#2 was more interested in her 91 year old, wheelchair bound friend. She loves to keep him involved. He has a bell she likes to ring, but after she rings it, she always brings it to him to ring. We often bring toys. If she brought a doll, she wants him to hold it, which is comical because he is visibly uncomfortable with a doll, but holds it anyways in an effort to please her.

This visit, we had brought hockey sticks and a ball. At one point, AO#2 gave Big Buddy a hockey stick and sat on the floor gently rolling the ball to him so that he could hit it back to her. Their obvious love and joy at this simple game was enthralling. Then he got a magnetic pad and pen and tried to give her writing and drawing lessons. His hands are horribly clenched with arthritis, but he diligently drew stick figures and shapes, numbers and letters for her to copy. Being 2 years old, all she made were circles and doodles, but it was so beautiful to watch him offering her his knowlege and experience, through his obvious difficulties to share with a moment in time with her.

I've often thought that he gets better physical therapy and interaction through the kids than through anything else. Children and the elderly were meant to interact. There is something deeply spiritual about both of their existences. I had never felt so at home, at peace and content as in that moment. It was as if heaven had opened up and given us a taste of true love. I guess that's why it says the kingdom of heaven belongs to children. Somehow they have a way of opening up another place to us, a better place.

Little praises

Mbamie finally passed her driver's test! It was a monumental task for her to get through the learners and the driver's has been just as hard, but she finally did it. Now there is a possibility for her to get an easier and better paying job once offered to her on the local air force base. She has done so well to persist with this and I'm proud for her accomplishing this. Even her husband doesn't have a license. She is a very smart woman, but being practically illiterate even in her own language makes life so tremendously difficult. It is a real disability, that has nothing to do with intelligence, but life circumstances can just lead to issues like this. She for one has never been to school. Hard to believe coming from this side of the planet since she is only in her mid-twenties.

Also, Meshell's son made the A-B honor role. This is so awesome as he has a ton of obstacles as one living in poverty to overcome so that he can excel in a classroom environment.
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I don't usually do this, but I have stumbled across a couple of amazing movies at the library. They have opened the world to us and so I wanted to share our discoveries.

China Cry is based on the true story of a woman who grew up in China, and had a privileged life until communism came. She came to faith more through harrassment by the government than through the Christian private school she attended. She goes to an underground church that agent B said " now that kind of church, I could get into". It is a moving tale of the persecution she endured as well as the graciousness, power and provision of the CEO in her life.

Water is a heartbreaking tale exposing the treatment of widows in India during the time of Ghandi. The main character is an 8 year old widow how is sent to live with other widows- as according to their religious beliefs. It powerfully shows the need for love, care and justice above religious tradition.

10 years completed

I came here 10 years ago to study missions and pursue a relationship that seemed to have been orchestrated by the CEO of the universe some years earlier. I had my plan- 2 years of school, some money already being raised for me to head to French West Africa. I had some very close friends who were interested in going where I was interested in. It seemed perfectly set, until the CEO told me to marry the man he'd brought into my life (agent B), who was not at all interested in going to Africa to do missions. I felt like the CEO was calling me to take the biggest leap of faith of my life (really agent B and I hardly knew each other and had no similar interests, except the CEO, totally different plans... we would have failed every pre-marriage compatability test I'm sure). I had felt the Orchestrator taking me to the story of Abraham since B and I first got back into communication. He was saying- "will you give up the dream/the promise in obedience to me?".

So we wed. I gave up foreign missions and my friends headed off without me. At the time, I had a small incling that my match with my good friends in ministry would have been disastrous as the Lord was leading B and I into things of the Holy Spirit that the team was not comfortable with. Within the first year of marriage, I knew that the CEO had fashioned B and I to be incredible life partners and He also lead both of us into local ministry we loved with the Izzy group.

About 5 years ago, life for the Izzy ministry started a dramatic change and since that time, Agent B and I have found ourselves in a ministerial/spiritual/social desert of sorts. It has been a time of stretching, growing and seeking out the CEO and questioning.

About a month ago, I was contacted by someone very excited about heading to Africa, to the place where I was going to go. Unbeknownst to them, they opened up inner turmoil in me as I watched a video of my friend's ministry flourishing all the while we sit here going- what the heck are we doing in the fair mother city? They had changed lives, started fellowships of believers, shared with those who had never known the love of the creator and that would have been my life. It was weird seeing it all, but the CEO was at work again, to reassure me of the path I've been on.

We came into contact with another missionary friend who has been in China, trying to get into North Korea. She is in the US now, struggling to find support, going through her own desert experience and being stretched. She commented how missionaries in China set up their little US haven home on foreign soil and didn't really live like the locals- which we both believe in and she is contemplating doing here in a US inner city.

Short weeks after that visit, my friends from Africa came through town on furlough. I was excited to see them and am sincerely happy for what the CEO has done through them. But the CEO was so wise and gracious in this meeting. I discovered that like the missionaries in China, they had a lifestyle so unlike the Africans (which is a "normal" missionary practice). But it also dawned on me that they had a very privileged life according to US standards too- house help for example. I can not criticize the team because I'm not sure that I would have done differently, but I was overcome with a peaceful knowlege that this was not the life for me.

The CEO has given me a great husband and family. We have had meaningful experiences and relationships in the Fair Mother City. The CEO has led us all along and then He was so merciful in giving me closure about this jaunt in my life. The Africa dream was not of Him for me. He had a different path for me and I am glad for it. I still feel like there is a purpose that we have yet to accomplish for Him, but I have closure on what I came here to do. I had the text book education and both Agent B and I learned in the trenches. This home has been a good place for us, learning about people in poverty, the culture, the friendships, love and lessons experienced. To beat all, the CEO has been gracious in giving us family and dear friends through it all and He has not been eroneous in directing us.

I had been apprehensive about coming face to face with my past, but the CEO was so gracious to shine a light and show me not to fear, but to know that He has led the way. This gives me confidence for the future, knowing that each day, month or year may not seem clear, but that He is faithful as we seek Him to take us where and to whom we need to be- to Him be the glory.

HALLOW-een

Our kids are ages 4 and 2 and they went bezerk over the joy of halloween. They liked the candy of course, but more than that was the dressing up and the sense of a city-wide party. I know that a lot of Christians object to the holiday and a friend told me they didn't let their kids participate because it is not Christian. When I heard that it made me sad, because I found so many ways that the CEO spoke to us through it. I am so thankful first of all to the Spirit for even giving me inspiring ideas, because He is the one who helps me guide our children to ways of truly living. Our family's philosophy is to be "in the world, but not of it" and the sad thing is that many Christians do not realize that most modern day "christian" traditions are rooted in the pagan Greek realm of dealings in a court setting (see Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola). So if we are going to protest pagan roots, the first place we need to start looking is at our own church organizations and evaluate them first. But I am not here to condemn how others may feel about it. We are all different and that is part of the beauty of the body of Christ. But we did glean a ton this year by going out and joining in the fun.

First of all, we got to meet a new neighbor who had moved in on our street. Then there is the sharing. Kids were giving my young children their own candy before we had left our own sidewalk. My kids were also excited to give, share and meet others- but were indeed frightened by the "scary people in costumes". They kept asking me at each house if they were "good guys". And AO#2 kept saying "he looks different". Thus we were able to have a great talk about being kind and not frightened of people who are different from us, who look or talk different- that the inside is what counts. The person may have looked aweful, but he was generous, giving and kind- which is more important than looks. We also talked about spirits and the Holy Spirit as well as death and how we don't have to fear that either. It is one of the few times that people open their doors and at least say "hi" and share something with a perfect stranger. Yeah, I'm not crazy about all the gore and horror of it, but there are kids in the world who see much worse than a costume, they are living in the horrors of war and real injuries, real terror, real death and it's important not to shy away from the ugliness, but to teach our children to be courageous, loving, accepting of others who are different and giving.

I think many times followers of the Lover shy away from the world because of differences, but so often these differences can lead us smack dab into the heart of the gospel, into spiritual matters, open communication, discovery and reality.

chance happenstances

I had a huge longing to know how Princess was doing, but didn't feel like I should try to contact her, that it's important that if there is a move to be back in relationship, that it would come from her. I knew her birthday was coming up and wondered about her and her aunt. I had a car full of kids and an errand to do- I had planned to make lasagna and was out of noodles! So I hauled them in the store and went down the only aisle I needed and there she was! Princess and her family picking out pasta. My heart soared to see her and I gave her a hug and asked her how she was and how her aunt was. She said she was "busy" looking for a job (it's been a 9 month search so far) and that her aunt is better. I was just so thankful to see her. I wish there was more victory in her life and pray that there will be a day when she walks in the life of the Lover. I was so thankful for this "chance happenstance" just to see her and for my heart to be somewhat at ease.

Grandma Nelly and I took the kids to see our friend at a nursing home North of here and it was a good thing we went that day too, since we found out she had been in the hospital. We've told them to inform us if she is put in the hospital so that we can go out to see her, but her nursing home never does. She has no family and gets really upset being in the hospital. We were glad by another "chance happenstance", we ran into her social worker while there. The woman really seemed to care for our friend and offer her love and real attentive care to her.

I was proud of Meshell the other weekend. We had invited her and her son to AO#1's party and that day she called me for a ride, as I had expected. I told her that she needed to walk. It is a good little hike, but I've done it numerous times with small kids in strollers or wagons and the weather is not a discouragement here. Plus I know that she has walked to the convenience store not too far from us and we were just swamped with all the preparations. I was fully expecting that she wouldn't come, but they did! Sometimes it's hard to know when to help and when to just spurr her on to be independent.

prayers and visions

Agent B prayed for rain as we thanked the Lover for supper and before we had were done eating a luscious rain was falling. We thanked the Lover again. All this means a lot to a child. We were reading a new book to AO#1 in which a boy was given several dinosaurs as pets. AO#1 wanted to have a baby dinosaur like in the story and proceeded to ask the CEO for one. I told him he couldn't have a baby dinosaur, that they don't live anymore, but he prayed all the louder. So, I started praying right along with him. As he said "Lord, PLEASE give me a baby dinosaur", I prayed "Lord, PLEASE don't give us a baby dinosaur". We tried to outshout and pray each other until it all ended in laughter. Since AO#1 can't type, I have one up on him- "please CEO, no dinosaurs, just one healthy daughter come Jan. please."

It has been a bit nerve racking since I was with Mbamie when she lost her baby, and my sister has lost a child and I've heard of dozens of others. I try not to get fearful, but this baby does not kick much or real strong and I'm so busy sometimes that I often wonder if she's kicked that day or enough, or how she is... The other day I was anxious about it and not at peace and impatient with my family, so I finally said to them "come pray over my belly, so that the baby will be ok and that I will have peace about her". No sooner had they stopped praying, the baby was giving me some good kicks and the Holy Spirit was telling me to just chill and lay my burdens on his lap. Why do we live with fears instead of just sharing them from the get go? I hope I learned my lesson. Sometimes it's hard to ask for help.

Mbamie is doing much better. She still has some physical pain, but all the symptoms are getting less severe. Her emotions are up and down, as can be expected. But the smile is creeping back into her voice. Thank you CEO.

Meshell and I have been seeing each other a lot more. I take the kids to library reading time and pick her up on the way. Being a friend to her has it's times of frustration. Taking her somewhere is inevitably a way more complex thing than it seems at first, but the library is not so hard and she really enjoys getting materials for her, her son and her mom. Reading can open up so many worlds, so I'm excited for her too.

AO#1 has been drawing close to the Lover in many ways, so that has been exciting. He has told me that the Lover has told him He loves him, that he's precious and cute. This morning in the dark, as we sought out the Father, AO#1 kept exclaiming that he saw fruit on the tree in the front yard. The tree has been a lesson for us in many ways. When we moved here, a dying mesquite loomed large in the same place. It didn't provide shade, except from the massive trunk and when it started to drop branches over the driveway and sidewalk, we new it was time to cut it down. We have planted no less than 10 trees in our yard (no it's not that big, but the trees all died except a peach tree, that gave us delicious fruit for the first time this year). Then one day a tree came up all on it's own. It grew faster and stronger than the "fast growing shade tree" we planted 10 feet from it (and died a couple of years later). It is a fruitless mulberry tree, but AO#1 "saw" it with fruit on it. The amazing thing is that Agent B has been praying for fruit this entire year since Jan. I think this is the most exciting part by far of parenting- to see the Spirit speaking through or to our children and learning from them is truly amazing.

The power of our words

Agent B. and I really believe in the power of our words. The saddest thing to me is when I see parents use their words to belittle, shame or harm their children, often due to their own ignorance, need to control or lack of confidence... This is something I see a lot among the poverty culture, but is not restricted to them by any means.

I've seen the power of a positive word over our son AO#1. He has a lot of issues and one of them is his myriad fears. One day I heard his father say over him "you are the bravest person I know". Inwardly I thought to myself "you don't have to lie to the boy", but I'm glad I held my tongue. I remembered a story of a prophetic man who visited a church and called one church member to stand up. The prophet said "you are a gentle man". The whole congregation gasped because it was well known that this man was an abuser and not at all gentle. However after some time, the man became gentle! The prophet spoke God's truth over him, not the lie he was living.

I have seen the power of Agent B's word of faith, blessing and empowerment over AO#1 and it really has been amazing and formative. Now, I am so glad he had the wisdom to speak it to his son. AO#1 is becoming more and more courageous. He is putting his fears aside. He overcame his potty issues and I've heard him declare on several occasions "I can do this, my dad said that I am brave".

Words can tear down a person and they can live in shame all their life for it, or the right words, at the right time, by the right person, can give a person, a child, a life, freedom to be all the Lord is calling him to be- even to overcome personality traits in order to function and live at a higher level, with success, in faith and in strength- all because of a well placed word.

Speech is free, give away gold today to someone you know.

Words of wisdom

"Each one of us can make a contribution. Too frequently we think we have to do spectacular things. Yet if we remember that the sea is actually made up of drops of water and each drop counts, each one of us can do our little bit where we are. Those little bits can come together and almost overwhelm the world. Each one of us can be an oasis of peace." Desmond Tutu

side by side

May called yesterday and as I was telling her about Mbamie, we discovered that Mbamie's baby was buried next to May's grandson. She also knew the nurse that had carried Mbamie's daughter down to the morgue at the hospital and asked me if I was the translator Mbamie had had. I don't know if it's some weird coincidence or just the fact that we live in a fairly small city/town. May said that she had seen the un-marked grave next to her grandson's and put a colored stone on it and talked to the baby. She visits out there about once a week, talking to her grandson.

We discussed grief and marvelled at how the Lover comes to us in our pain and that we can see His grace through such hard times, even while we cry out "why? why? why?". (My nephew passed before he was born two years ago now and not knowing him how we had hoped will always be an ache in our hearts). This obviously isn't a new struggle and I think is one that Jesus himself struggled with in the garden- if there is some other way... I don't know why innocent little babies die, but I do know that the Lover is with us in our grieving. The CEO allowed for His only son to be brutally murdered in order that He could send the Comforter to us in our own times of need.

Mbamie still feels very much looped out and I told her this could be in part from the pain meds. as well as the grief. She said she's not sure if she is among the living or not. Pray for the Comforter to wrap His arms around her, give her peace and open her eyes to the abundant love she has in her home- her refound husband and two living children. May she find hope again. Also, Mbamie and her husband need unity and peace regarding future children or permanent birth control. Her medicaid will not last indefinitely and they need the Lover to show them the right path for them together.

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.2

I asked AO#1 to tell all of us what his favorite color was and where he could see it. Normally he always says green, so his response surprised me. He said: "green, red, blue, orange, white, yellow, purple..." So then I asked where he could see them and he replied: "Everywhere in the world. In Jesus. I saw them in Jesus".

Every once in a while I ask the kids to be still and see if the CEO will communicate with them or show them something and several times AO#1 has said that the Lover showed him colors.

What all do you think the Lover may be telling us with colors?

Kingdom keyholders- children's wisdom vol.1

My daughter picked out the bible story of Jesus' resurrection.

I said "oh, you want to read "He's alive" (as it's titled in their children's bible)".

My son looked at the picture and said:

"yeah, He can't fit on the cross. He's too big."

The funeral for Mbamie's baby was today. A few friends, family and the father attended. Mbamie didn't go. I was a little disappointed since I thought it would help her, but everyone mourns differently. She has not been sleeping and just got out of the hospital yesterday and is still on a lot of pain medication for the c-section she had Tues. so there is a lot going on in her mind/body and soul. We all stopped by at her place to see her after and I had a hard time recognizing her. She has lost a lot of weight in the face and her eyes were baggy which made her look more like her niece than herself. I have been encouraged by her husband's involvement. He seemed so aloof about the pregnancy, but it is obvious that his heart was really linked to this baby.

Before we went in to see Mbamie after her surgery and prior to seeing the baby, I was telling him about losing my nephew. He may have passed the night of halloween when I had AO#2 dressed up as a butterfly. After he passed, the Lord showed me a lot about butterflies, life and death, how the unborn child was like that worm in a cocoon and that now the baby was in his/her glorified state, so much more beautiful and free. Like the butterfly, the baby's presence would grace our lives by moments. The butterfly may flutter by, or even come to rest on our finger for just a brief, precious moment. Likewise, it's like that with those who have gone before us. They cheer us on and are a part of us forever. We think about them and it brings us closer to them and to the understanding of eternity. After we had spent some time with the baby, I noticed that the African cloth the photographer had given to the baby and wrapped her in had butterflies all over it (see picture above). I just knew it was the Lord echoing what we had talked about.

May the Holy Spirit meet Mbamie and her husband in their darkest time, give them rest and peace.
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Meanwhile, Mbamie's brother pulled me asside and told me their brother is sick, that nobody knows and that he may have cancer. His doctor recommended amputating his foot, but he wants another opinion. Meanwhile he has no insurance and is having troubles knowing where to turn to.

It's like this family escaped all the horrors of war in Ivory Coast and now they are still having to fight for survival.

In "recovery"- whatever that means

After another failed attempt to induce, the doctor did a c-section on Mbamie and she is now resting and trying to recover on the many levels where she is wounded. The family was very distraught, not only by the death, but also by the knowledge that this was their third baby (out of four) to suffer strangulation from the cord. The second baby was revived with prayers and is now 7 years old. The third child (the second to live) didn't have complications which the sister--in-law attributes to having fasted and prayed all throughout the pregnancy. So many unanswered questions and heartache. Pray for their peace, strength and health- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

The nurses brought the baby to the family and I was privileged to be there while some women took pictures for them and as we gazed at the infant's beauty. I wrote this out of the pain I felt for my friend and her loss.

Cries-a-lot
Gazes into her pot of sorrow
Tears cascading down her face
Causing her filled cauldron to overflow
Threatening to drown her

Haunting images flitter across the salty surface
Her small lifeless baby
Too small, too still
The immovable death sentence
Crushing her hopes, dreams and joy
In a single blow

Her arms are empty
Her home is quiet in the awkward stillness of mourning
Her mind is in shock and turmoil
Her heart twisted mercilessly
By her great love that spills out as endless tears

Her cries turn heavenward
Where each mutter, each groan, each tear, each cry
Usher in the baby's precious soul to her heavenly home
She is carried in by this love bleeding forth from hearts on earth
The Lover carefully and tenderly receives and embraces
The passion of His heart, the beautiful soul come so quick
Along with the intense heartache
He draws them to Himself and says "little one, you are dearly loved"

The Lover and infant daughter
Carefully wrap each note of mourning sent heavenward
They kiss them until they melt into a fine powder
They smell in their fragrance, marvel at the great love
And tremble under the depth of sadness
They stir in their own offerings of love:
Heavens laughter, eternity's hope, perfect love from a perfect realm
And blow back their remixed potion as responses to the cries of earth

Cries-a-lot can barely see past the chasm of darkness
The despair and heart wrenching pain
But sometimes a glimmer of hope assails her heart
She imagines a presence, a child's voice that sings
"I'm not so far, Cries-a-lot, just beyond the veil
Receive our love back to you
And know that one day all will be well"

The Lover wipes Cries-a-lot's tears
Carefully treasuring the pure love and heartache
Just as she carefully carries the baby's fragile shell
The remains
Buried in earth's ground
Along with a sprinkling of heaven's rain

He stirs her pot of sorrow with heaven's tears
Of compassion, hope and love
So that sometimes she is overcome with peace
And the incomprehensible knowledge
Under such depth of pain
That she is dearly loved
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Although this is what I felt in my heart, Mbamie is not in tears outwardly and that frightens me some, because I know her as an overly dramatic woman, yet since she heard of the death, she has become like a wall. I know everyone deals with sorrow differently, so I want to allow her the space to grieve as she will and have time for her grieving, but I also pray that she will not lose her will to connect or be among the living with this traumatic blow to her heart. While she seems to have shut down, her husband, who seemed aloof during the pregnancy, has been the one who cried out, looked at the baby, held her, and tried to reach his wife with their common love for the baby. They have actually been through this situation before, but I think what is different is that Mbamie may have thought that the chapter of horror on their lives had ended and they had turned a new page, yet here, the past haunts them again in this new life.

Lover- please ease their pain.

the torturous wait

Mbamie is still waiting to deliver her deceased baby. They attempted induction last week, but did not succeed and are in the process of attempting again. We are all exhausted. I can not imagine the pain Mbamie and her husband are dealing with, and she still has the worst of the physical pain to affront. Keep them in your prayers, that the Comforter would meet with them and walk with them through this most difficult of situations. The hospital staff, nurses and doctors have been very compassionate, which the family has really appreciated. Right now some of the shock has worn off and the focus is on the delivery. I'm sure with that a whole heap of emotions, questions and pain will surface in the next phase of trying to face life without this precious being among us.

the valley of death

Mbamie and her husband are in need of your prayers. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, but since she has been in pain with swelling in her feet, I offered that she go with me. There are many reasons why she should not even have been seen, but things kept working out for her to go, then the doctor happened to show up when he was supposed to be gone, then we asked if he could just do her regular appointment (that was for next week), since we were already there. It was at that point, we found out that her baby had died. Probably as early as that day or the night before. She is at the hospital now being induced and I have the four kids today. They have no idea when she may actually start having contractions since she is pretty early (about 28 or 30 weeks along). Mbamie and her husband are really shaken up by this and it will be a tough few days, weeks, months...

The CEO calls His Presence the comforter. May He go to them now in their darkest time of pain. They also lost their first born the day she delivered him, so this is also dredging up that pain- which was all due to incompetency on the staff in Africa at the time. This death, the doctor assured her, could not have been prevented. They may never know the reasons why, but she was already being monitored with the utmost care and nothing had ever signalled that the baby was in any kind of danger. Please pray for their peace, faith, sense of aloneness and her feeling of being targeted with all sorts of evil. She kept saying over and over: "why is it always me?"

a connection?

I realized as we go through these potty issues with AO#1 that these trials may be in answer to my most ardent prayer, or at least may be being used to help answer my prayer. My prayer has been for my children to come into relationship with the CEO, to talk to Him as helper and friend, lean on Him, find strength in Him and know Him... AO#1 has had a definite aversion to talking with the CEO, but through his potty struggles is learning to cry out to the CEO for help and thank Him for each success. This is such a major deal and I realized that I needed to thank the CEO for our trials because they cause us to turn to Him. The potty struggle and insecurities in AO#1 also made me realize how totally ill equipped I am to know how to help him in this and that the CEO alone can guide us and strength us in this. I think this is part of being poor in the spirit. That phrase has always baffled me, but I see how our lack of resources has made me draw closer to the CEO, depend on Him and call out to Him. Then when we have had resources, we are so much more thankful and cognisant of the gift they are (not anything we have done, but real priveleges we enjoy by the grace of the Lover). Likewise, parenting can cause us to see our very real poverty in knowing how to help our kids grow into all they can be. As soon as we seem to have figured out a method or tactic, the child either grows out of it or we have another totally different child who doesn't respond the same way. The only way to possibly come through this mine field intact, with children who are full of love is to turn to the CEO and allow Him to guide the way, for the parent and for the child. Thank-you Lover for our lack that causes us to know that it is not us, to turn from our self-reliance and cast ourselves on your mercy, grace, great love and abundance.

Other praises to the CEO. Meshelle finally got her ID card, so now she can get social security cards for her and her son, as well as a bank card, library card... (all of which were lost/stolen a year ago, so that her life has been in turmoil and stalemates ever since).

Mbamie's tests all come back well, so the initial scares are not affecting her or the baby. However she is in intense pain as her legs and feet have swollen. The sad thing is that she could manage to leave work if it were not for her car payment and she is still 3 + years from finishing with that. America has taught her well. She came in with debt (the government brings refugees over, but makes them pay back their airfare) and now she is being strangled by it. Maybe I can tell her there is a better way. Maybe she could trade it in for something she could pay off now or sooner.

prayers for AO#1 and us

We would appreciate prayers for help in knowing how to guide AO1 through his issues. He has been having troubles with using the potty and has become fearful in many circumstances, plus has comfort issues, like clothing or sweat bothering him. I think that part of this is his personality, but we are trying to help him be able to face situations with confidence or at least peace and be able to join in socially to activities as well as. It has been very stressful on me as I've not known how to assist him and I see him struggling and in torment over things small or more important.

Your prayers for us and him are appreciated.

the wedding

Last weekend we got to experience an "African wedding". I put that in parenthesis because noble attempts were made to make it American, but since all the wedding party and guests were African, their culture shone threw. At the last minute, I was cajoled into translating the affair, much to my dismay. But with much prayer, the CEO rescued the day. When I went to the rehearsal, I discovered that a long time friend was officiating. We'd known him for ages, since I first landed in Abilene, and Agent B since before then. He was likewise relieved to discover that he knew the translator. My ardent prayers were answered when he e-mailed me his sermon, the vows... in English to me. I spent all morning making sure I had an idea of how to translate it, looking up words and even calling the African family to confer and select together the appropriate terms.

The funniest part was that they had an American wedding coordinator trying to make things run smoothly. Americans and Africans have differing ideas as to what is smooth. At the official wedding time, there were only about 10 guests in the chapel- Agent B, my kids and some other white American folk who think weddings start on time. The maid-of-honor hadn't even arrived, the bride and flower girl were there, an hour after their expected arrival. 40 minutes late, the chapel is filling with people and the coordinator tries to launch the wedding. She gets the bridesmaids and groomsmen in place and discovers that the maid-of-honor is not dressed or ready. The maid-of-honor's husband says that she has another 5 minutes to start getting ready. The coordinator goes to the brides dad and brings him in to convince the maid-of-honor that it's time to get dressed.

Finally the processional commences while guests continue to arrive. It's total mayhem. The most beautiful and moving part was when the bride came out. The lively African sounding song had this huge crescendo, the bride walked out on her father's arm, everyone stood and started making these incredible frolicking yells of victory. It was so incredible. I was in tears, trying to compose myself knowing that a couple hundred eyes would soon be turned my way.

Everything went well and without too many problems. Since we were so late, the wedding coordinator tells all the guests to go immediately to the reception instead of waiting several hours as was the original plan. We doddle a bit and show up a little before the original time as the coordinator had said and waited for the next couple of hours for people to show up. Everything was horribly "late", people were hungry, dancers came out sporadically, everyone had changed clothes for the reception as well as the bride- the bride's dresses were gorgeous gowns, the guests wore everything from fancy African outfits, to shimmering gowns, to jeans and t-shirts. The bride wore two or three different gowns at the reception and I later found out had another to wear that she didn't because of time. We left at 10pm since our kids were beyond tired. Mbamie told me she was there until 3am cleaning up. It was lively and beautiful, a real African affair!

An era ended?

Princess and I have been through a lot. We were matched with Big Brothers/Big Sisters when she was 7 and I was just recently married. She is now 16 and I'll celebrate 10 married years this year. She has always been aloof and not very open, although there have been break throughs from time to time. Many people have told me to throw in the towel over the years. But things have been especially strained since she got out of juvenile. She's back home now and not allowed to go places, so I would go to see her and she was always acting like she was uncomfortable with me there. While I was gone, I had hoped that she would call as a sign that she wanted to stay connected- nothing. More than anything, her hoping over to the tv, to a phone or leaving the room was a major hint that it was time to move on. I gave her back her library card that I've kept for her since she was little and we'd get books at the library and told her that I love her and if she ever wants to reconnect, she knows my number. I'm sad to let her go. I hope she will call some day or want to be friends again. Most of all, I hope she is serious or will get serious about her commitment to follow Christ. Her family has such a screwed up theology, it is really frightening. Princess' cousin was murdered recently and Princess said "well, he has his free ticket to heaven". Everyone is talking about how Cheezy was such a wonderful kid and I do hope he made Jesus his Lord, even if it was at the last minute, because he lived a life of drug dealing, car stealing, bullying nonesence. I know that everyone's reaction is their grief and no one ever wants to think the alternative of someone they know, that their life may actually be worse now.

Rosalind, Cheezy's mom has totally gone off the deep end. She is the one who was already struggling since her boyfriend overdosed some months ago. Now she is "on the war path" as her sister (Princess' mom) told me. The police had to drag her out of the street where she had laid down hoping a car would run over her. She picked up little rocks from the yard saying she was going to sell them and get some real rocks to use. She keeps crying out to die. She was in the psych ward for 3 days, but they released her- I'm not sure why.

Meanwhile her daughter, who is only 21 has had to do all the funeral arrangements and raise money for that and is not working like crazy trying to get money for a tombstone and keep her mom from committing suicide.

Princess has a ring that Cheezy gave her before he died. He said he knew he wouldn't live much longer, but would be her angel watching over her. This whole family just needs Jesus so bad and the Holy Spirit to comfort, stabilize, revitalize and redeem them from the chaos and lies. I'm not for the fire, hell and brimestone era, but I think the whole Jesus loves us all has betrayed people into thinking we could live however we want and there are no consequences. God help us.
______________________________________________
In other news, Meshelle's mom has been in the hospital for severe constipation and is talking about redoing her lifestyle to include better eating and exercise. I could write another novel on our recent interactions, the frustrations and glimmers of good, but if this will help her get a new take on living, that will be a very positive step indeed.

funeral bookends

The CEO was good to me in that I got to go to Canada to attend a cousin reunion and have a much needed break from Texan weather and taking care of kids. I had prayed and prayed for us to be able to go up, but when it looked impossible, I contacted my cousin telling her it looked like we wouldn't make it and she bought me a ticket. The rest was superb and I thank the CEO that He gives us times of refreshing. We need it because there are sorrows and troubles all around us.

I attended a funeral the day we drove off for me to catch my plane in Houston. It was for a little baby. Today, we came home and I attended a viewing, for an 18 year old, murdered last week- princess' first cousin (Rosalind's only son. You may remember Rosalind from my last post regarding her. She lost her boyfriend to an overdose in May and wasn't dealing with that well). Her niece (Princess' sister) told me that she is having a rough time, and can't be left out of their sight, that she is walking out in front of cars trying to kill herself. Both she and Princess try to put up a good front when other's ask how they are, but Princess' sister also told me that Princess fainted when she saw her cousin in the casket, that they had to carry her outside and calm her down. I had been praying and praying while gone if I needed to stay in relationship with her and thought that maybe if I got a call from her while I was gone that that would show me to stick with it. The call wasn't from her, but her sister wanted to make sure I knew and I can't give up with all this turmoil in her life. She is still dealing with her best friends' murder that occurred while Princess was locked up in juvenile.

To top it off, as we drove home today, we got a call from Tighe saying that Isaiah is sick again and in the hospital. They are not sure what is wrong now. He had a fever that wouldn't go down even with oral medicine or a shot. The doctors and ER kept sending them home and Tighe and her husband insisted they run more tests. A doctor did, going on their instinct and found that his white blood cells were really high, meaning he is fighting something, but they are not sure what. The good is that he acts normal as long as he's on lots of pain meds, but they are scared and in need of much support and prayer. Tighe's baby is only a couple of months old also, so they can't take her into the area that Isaiah is in which is hard on them all too.

Please lift up all these families whose lives seem so chaotic and filled with pain. May the CEO meet them in their deepest hurts, still the storms, bring them peace, and life. I'm also praying that the friends of Princess' cousin will not seek revenge and that her sisters and family would be protected. The sisters both have young children and have recently been burglarized, with people taking all of the deceased things. Princess' home and her sister's car have also been broken into. The police have not yet apprehended the killer who came from out of town. May they all somehow find the power to forgive and know the peace that passes understanding.

Misty's grief

I haven't mentioned May or her daughter Misty in a long, long time. I never know when I'll hear or run into them. Like many of our former friends from the Izzy days, it's hard to keep track of them, since they move at least once a year and often change phone numbers. May will call from time to time to give me an update on her family or will just stop by the house. The other night, she was on my mind, so I was surprised when she called the next day. I told her I'd thought of her and she said "really?- last night you say?", then I ask about her grandkids- Misty's boys, and she says: "that's why I called, we lost the youngest last night".

May and her daughter had gone out and left the boys with a 17 year old cousin. The cousin had called saying the baby (3.5 months) was fussy. Misty told her to lay him on his belly and pat his back and he'd go back to sleep. She did and found him dead an hour later. There was a lot of blood coming out of his nose, and an autopsy is being conducted- but no matter what comes from this, it will not bring back this baby.

Pray that they will not be crushed by their grief, but that the Lover will meet them in the midst of their pain-- that spiritual life will come from this, that the comforter will become more real to them than they have ever known.
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Meanwhile, Isaiah has come out of his surgery well. He is getting fitted for a hearing aid today and will have the cochlear fully functioning next month.

The amazing thing is that Tighe (Isaiah's mom) was praying that she would meet someone who had had an implant before the surgery. Her prayers were answered in an incredible way. She took the kids out to a play date at Fort Imagination park. This was the first time she took the kids out by herself apart from church. While there, she sees a man with the implant. She introduced him to Isaiah and asked him about it. He went deaf at age 21 and got the implant at age 28. His talking was clear and unlike that of a hearing impaired person. He said his cousin was the first person to receive the implant in the US. His family all have them since they have a degenerative disease and all lose their hearing. She asked what things sounded like with it and he explained that at first it was aweful- sounded like aliens, but after 2 weeks it all changed and that she sounded like a southern belle to him now. From what Tighe said the brain translates the sounds and I guess gives voice sounds to people. He is a teacher and doesn't even live in Abilene, but stopped at the park with his kids to let them play as they were on a road trip!!

So that gave her a lot of peace going into the surgery.

A whole other world

Mbamie was telling me how freaked out her son was when she had her second child. He screamed and threw fits at the hospital and when she came home. I would have too. They don't inform or prepare their children in any way for the arrival of the next child. In fact they don't tell anyone really. I told her I thought this was crazy. Several people have offered to do a baby shower for her and she needs baby stuff- she doesn't have anything since her last child is 5 years old and was born in Africa. But she has refused having a baby shower thus far. So I asked her what they did back in Africa.

She explained to me that their culture is not like here. The is a lot of witchcraft and sorcery. People often wish evil of others- even family members, especially of anyone who seems to be advancing or doing well in life. She told me that there are potions they can give you to make you lose the baby. So, in order to protect the baby, the mother will not announce to anyone that she is expecting. When she is very obviously pregnant, and someone comments that she is pregnant, she denies it saying only that she has gained weight. Then when the baby is born, the baby does not leave the house for 3 months. The mother can get out, but not the baby. At the end of 3 months, there is a going out party- saying that the baby can now leave the home.

It would be so stressful to live like that! Imagine not having friends celebrate the new life within, of being fearful of those around you, of not being able to talk or share in the journey that is pregnancy.

While no one is out to get her or her baby here, Mbamie has had troubling news from the Dr. I am not at liberty to say what it is, even on this anonymous blog, I would feel as though I had betrayed her confidence if I wrote of it, but just be in prayer for her. She is very anxious about it and has difficult pregnancies anyways.

I was very thankful I got to go with her to the appointment. It was almost like it was meant to be that at least I was there. Her husband had to go to work, so she was going to go solo, but my work week was changed for just that week and agent B happened to be free that morning, so I volunteered to take her and translate again. She had to have a sonogram, then her OBGYN met with her and gave her the bad news, then she had to go get more blood work done for further tests. I had told the DRs that I can't normally make it to her appointments, since they only do them on Mon. and Tues. and I work those days, but they told me if I could come, they would go along with whatever schedule I could give them! I have been really impressed with her OBGYN, he has been gentle and compassionate.

Princess's lack of social skills

Princess has a really hard time socially. Especially with people who are not in her "hood realm". She is basically on house arrest, so I have to go to her to see her and we can't go anywhere private. She has never been comfortable with me in her home and has no idea how to start or keep a conversation going. There are always others around and they are the ones who ask or answer questions or make comments.

This visit, I brought the kids. Princess' nieces and nephews were so excited we came and were bouncing all over the place over us being there. The only little girl is maybe half a year younger than my daughter and it was obvious that she wanted to make friends, but didn't know how. She tried sharing a chip with my daughter and sat right up next to her, but then she started to pull my daughter's hair, pinch or hit. Each time I'd take her hand away and say "no". Meanwhile Princess decided it was funny and laughed and laughed. I finally told her that her laughing was making the little want to do it more. Her parents were telling her that it wasn't funny too.

But I remembered immediately an incident when Princess was in about 3rd grade. She had cussed out a teacher and I took her mom to go and get her. When they got home, Princess' mom told everyone how Princess had cussed out the teacher and they all laughed and laughed. Now she is doing the same inappropriate behavior. I feel so bad for the kids. By not learning how to act with others, they are headed down the same path of frustration, anger and loneliness.

Pray that I'll have discernment in my relationship with her. She really acts like she doesn't want me around and I need to know what is best for her and us. I am one of the few people in her life that can show her that life doesn't have to be how she has always known it- chaotic, crime ridden, stagnant.
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On another note, Meshell called me today. They are in the process of moving again. They move at least once a year- which is formidable since they neither have a car or phone. She was at someone else's house and was waiting for her brother's girlfriend to get off work and take them to the old house to move some things today. She asked me to go get her mail and bring it to her. I asked her why she couldn't wait until the girlfriend took her there. She told me she didn't want someone taking the mail before she could get it. I learn so much by her being in my life. That would have never been a concern of mine, but for some it is their reality.

Princess

I finally got to see Princess at her home! I had wanted to go get her last weekend, but she said she had to get approval from her probation officer first and it being a long weekend, she couldn't be reached. Then she found out when she saw her during the week that she is on level 3 meaning that she can't go anywhere. So I went to her place. It was weird as always when I'm at her place. She didn't really visit or talk with me. When her sister was there, she talked some since her sister is very social and helped her with relational cues like: tell her what you learned at TYC... Then Princess told me how she learned to manage her anger and not yell at the kids that then she can not build relationship with them. She also said that she already has 21 credits toward graduating and the only thing she lacks in her history credit. I'm not sure how all that happened because she has difficulties with simple reading and math, unless she has made quantum leaps in learning since I've helped her with school type work. But she excitedly talks about how TYC will pay for 2 years of going to the community college here and of wanting to get her life on track. I told her I'd keep her to her promise of opening up to me and that I'd visit her at her home until we could go out together. At the end she was watching some smut TV and I told her I may as well go home. Agent B reminded me that she hasn't seen tv much in the last couple of years, so it is an alluring vortex for her to be sucked into.

my uncle

Thank you for your prayers for my uncle. Please continue to pray for him. The posts have been removed due to sensitivity. Thank you for praying and for your concern. Wisdom and timeliness are of the essence right now.

She's HOME!

Yesterday was a marathon day. I thought I'd be an hour or two at the doctor's with Mbamie and her husband for their first OBGYN appointment, but it took forever. The paperwork was of course atrocious, so that was the first delay. Mbamie can not really read or write much on top of the language barrier, so just to write her name, date and address takes a very long time, so I ended up just filling pages out for her. When we got to see the nurse, she couldn't find the heartbeat, then they had problems reaching her cervix and thought she could be dilating early. I lost count of how many sonograms in 3 different buildings that she had, but it was somewhere around 10, some of which were very painful. It was pretty bad. I thought I was going to pass out by the last ones since we had missed lunch and it was dragging on in these little rooms with more people than the room is meant for. But the good thing is that everything is fine. The specialist finally confirmed that she is not dilating. She has lost a baby soon after birth and had 3 c-sections, so they are going to watch her closely to make sure she and baby are well. Everyone was very kind and I was so glad I was able to go. First of all, it would have been so hard without translation help, second they didn't have to face all the scares by themselves, third, I got to see them see sonogram video and pictures of their baby for their first time ever (they never had sonograms in Africa). The medical personnel were all very nice. It was a good thing Agent B didn't have work that day. The plan was that he would watch our two a couple of hours and I would keep them and the extras the rest of the day. Agent B got dumped with all 4 kids when the 2 hours became 6 hours!
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I just got off the phone with Princess- she is home!!! She is so excited and hanging out with all her family tonight- aunts, nephews, sisters... May this be the start of a new life for her.

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The Baiers got some bad news today. Isaiah is essentially deaf. He can't hear out of one ear and the other has moderate to severe impairment and is getting worse. They have to make decisions about cochlear implants and face a drastically different life for them and their son. The good thing is that his life was spared and the brain damage seems minimal or even self correcting, but they will have a lot of adjustments to make with the loss of his hearing.

CEO- May your power and Spirit be with all these friends as they go through these major transitions of life. May you give them life and life more abundantly.

another secret agent

We're busting through the status quo of 2 point whatever kids and working on number 3. We're excited. We've always said we'd like 4 so we'll see if we still have energy after this one for another. While we love our two, it just seems like we are meant to have a bigger household. I joke with people that the CEO said to be fruitful and multiply. Having one is downsizing the population, having 2 kids is maintaining, having 3 is adding, so you have to have at least 4 to multiply! ha, ha. Most people I'm sure will seem shocked since we have "our girl and boy"- isn't that the perfect scenario? Not for us. We are excited to know this new little person and welcome him/her into our family and on our journey.

Baier update

I know you are all in suspense to know how the Baiers are doing. They are doing really great- all 4 of them. Lilian Ruth was born to Tighe and Greg at about 4:20pm, today, May 8th, in Abilene. She is 8 1/2 pounds and absolutely gorgeous.

Of course, there is the story behind it all. Greg and Tighe have gotten really tired of hospitals and were desperate to get home, but their leaving was delayed yesterday. Tighe was having good contractions then, but they got irregular later in the day. The plan was that she and her mom were going to leave this morning as Isaiah went in for his last MRI and Greg and Isaiah would come when he had recovered. This morning, they changed plans, leaving Tighe's mom with Isaiah, Greg and Tighe left for Abilene. She had contractions the whole way- lots of intense contractions all 2.5 hours it took to get here. Their car's service engine light also came on and when that last happened, it broke down, so she called telling me that they were on the road and to pray that their car didn't break down. It didn't- thank God! They drove straight to the hospital and Tighe was already dilated to an 8! They are so glad Greg chose to go with Tighe. When I last saw them at the hospital here, Isaiah and his grandmother had not even arrived yet in Abilene, since the recovery took longer than they had anticipated in Dallas. Tighe is looking forward to going HOME tomorrow with her new baby. Isaiah, his grandmother and Greg will get to stay in Abilene tonight, in real beds, in a real home, among familiar things. YEAH!

Isaiah will have to go back Tues. for another MRI (his daddy will take him) and Tighe's mom will stay here with her and the baby. With that test, they will also see the ear specialist and find out what can be done to help Isaiah with his hearing. Pray that a really good solution can be found, or that his hearing improves dramatically before then.

It was a very good day. Tighe looks amazing as you can see and Lily (as they will call her) is stunning. It was nice that they got to be in a different hospital for the birth, in their home town. It was eerie for me as I drove up seeing the helicopter parked at Hendrick, knowing that is the vehicle that whisked Isaiah away in a successful attempt to save his life. I think that few people have lived such a drastically life altering series of events as these last couple of weeks have brought the Baiers- both the saving of their first born and the fight for his life and the birth of their second. They have felt your love and prayers all along and that has made all the difference.

By the way, Greg was saying something about some new wires hanging down bellow the car, saying that he is sure they made it here on prayer alone. They are so relieved to be home and starting this new chapter- with Lily and moving on past the meningitis.

thanks to everyone for all you have done.

The Baiers

The Baiers are currently waiting for an ear specialist who is supposed to arrive back in Dallas today. They told her they could go home, but that they wouldn't want to see anyone else, that this guy is the best. So they are hoping to see him. Also, there is a possibility that they can do surgery on Isaiah's ears and if so, the sooner the better, so they are wanting to find out what he sees in Isaiah's ears and get his ideas and possibly help.

In the meantime, Tighe was having regular contractions this morning- 35 secs. long and 7 min. apart (for those of you who know what that means). But they just called (1pm) saying that the contractions are now erratic, so they are a little disappointed and are asking us to pray for them, the timing and delivery. They were also disappointed to not get to go home yet, so ask the Lord to give them stamina to keep on.

Rosalind

Rosalind is not doing good. She called me about 4 times through the night- to pray for her and read scripture over her. She was flipping out- hearing her deceased boyfriend talking to her, blaming her, hating her. The second time she called was from the hospital where they gave her some anti-depressants and sent her home, telling her to call MHMR in the morning. She's talking about going to Big Spring where the hospital for those who are mentally ill are treated. She really needs help.

I kept speaking truth over her, but it was like she couldn't even hear it, yet alone understand or take hold of it. While I was thinking this over, I saw that she was like a person who had built on sand- or worse on quicksand. She isn't on the rock that gives her strength in the storm, but is tossed mercilessly by the powers of darkness. But the power of love can prevail. She has hit her bottom- or so it seems and wants to live right. She said someone stopped by yesterday offering her crack and she refused. She wants to be free- of her addictions, of the voices, of Don and the haunting call of mental illness. She kept saying she didn't want to be crazy. She was in a really bad way.
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With further tests, the Baiers found out that Isaiah does have hearing loss. Pretty severe hearing loss. So they are about to meet with a specialist to find out what can be done. They are anxious to get home and be out of hospitals, but are trying to way out what will be best for their son and of course put his needs first.

Isaiah's recovery!

Isaiah had a huge turn-around this weekend. Friday, he "woke up". He started talking like before, he was playing and alert, hearing and seeing. Yesterday, they took him outside in a wagon and he took a couple of steps. Thank you for all your prayers and concern over him. All your love and care meant a lot to the Baiers and helped tremendously. At this point, the cream to top it all off would be if Tighe could have the baby there at Cook's before they are released. They are so sick of hospitals and she does not want to go in to labor right before they leave, or on the way home. She is already dilated to a 3 and is 70% effaced as of last week and is 39 weeks on Monday, so she was going to talk to the doctor Monday about being induced, but the best thing would be if she just went into labor on her own today or tomorrow. They are supposed to be released Thurs. morning from Cook's.

Isaiah will still be on anti-seizure medicine for a while and will have a specialist watching him, plus he will be getting tubes in his ears as soon as he is able to handle that.

This has been such an incredible progression. We give thanks to the Lover for giving them peace and healing at this critical time, and for all the love and prayers from so many people around the world.

more prayer requests

Rosalind, Princess' aunt, called me today. She has been on and off drugs and the realm that brings pretty much all her life. About a week ago, her boyfriend died of an overdose. She called today freaking out, wanting me to pray for her, saying that her boyfriend's spirit was tormenting her, that he was in her body and making her crazy. I told her that taking drugs will allow all sort of evil to enter in and she admitted to taking something last night. I'm sure it was still in her system, she was really wigged out. But she knows the answer is the Lord and as we prayed together and as she cast out and renounced the drugs and her past life, she got some measure of peace. She hasn't slept in several days and her aunt said that if she didn't sleep tonight, she is going to take her to the mental hospital. Rosalind has been there before and doesn't want to go back, so she wants me to call her and pray with her again before she goes to sleep. I ask you to join with me in praying for her that she will have peace and will have victory over the darkness and drugs that keep ensnaring her from walking in victory.

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I also found out that Princess will soon be coming home. I know it will be a hard transition for her to come back. She is to come home the week of mother's day. She will come home to the hard realization that her friend is gone, to a family that is still as it has been, while she tries to lead a new life in the Lord. I hope for her sake that Rosalind will not be in close proximity of her. I also pray that we will be able to foster a more open and honest relationship. Princess has always been very guarded with me, shielding me and everyone from her life and emotions. May she be able to talk and be honest with others, herself and most importantly with the Lover.

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Continue your prayers also for Isaiah Baier, for his mom Tighe, dad Greg and unborn sister Lily (those are their real names). Each day Isaiah improves a little. He said a couple of words and had his first bite of real food since the weekend. Tighe met a doctor who doesn't take medicaid, but is going to deliver her baby for free. She held Tighe as she cried, saying that she would be there with her through it all and that she was praying for her. Tighe felt like she had met an angel. They have been so thankful for everyone's prayers and the way the body of Christ has reached out to them in their time of need. Keep praying for Isaiah to recover from this fully and continue to show signs of improvement. They are not sure if he has suffered hearing loss as he has two really bad ear infections as well. Peace over the Baiers.

Sorry for the onslaught. Thanks for reading and for praying.

Isaiah update

Keep up the prayers for Isaiah. He is no longer fighting for his life, but has suffered some brain damage. The good news is that the spots were small, much smaller than the doctors had expected. Also with Isaiah being so young, and the brain still forming and with it being a most remarkable organism, it can reroute itself around the damaged areas to recover full functioning. It can also suffer further damage. Isaiah is scheduled for another CAT scan Monday to make sure the spots are not getting worse- so pray for that. And of course pray for encouragement and peace for Tighe and Greg. There are moments when it seems very overwhelming to them and other times when they are more positive. Isaiah said a few words the first night, but nothing the next day or night. He did move his head though and reach for his mom and in the middle of the night sat up in bed. One doctor told them that Isaiah just needs some time and told them of a former patient of his who got meningitis and whose CAT scan looked like cottage cheese mush, yet she grew up and graduated from school and entered the ministry. Of course allowing time is difficult as they anticipate their second child's immanent arrival. The social worker at Cook's children's Medical hospital found Tighe a doctor there who will in all probability deliver her 2nd baby there in Fort Worth, TX.

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My apologies to those of you who are reading this in double- with it being on my real blog. Yes, I have a real blog. Sorry if you are not privy to it, but that would not make this one anonymous would it? As for those who leaked through the disguisement- it's all Agent B's fault.

Prayers needed

Please pray for our friends Tighe, Greg, Lily and Isaiah. Isaiah got meningitis and was just flown to Cook's hospital in Ft. Worth. They are expecting Lily's birth in the next couple of weeks. Isaiah is in critical condition. Please pray for peace for all of them and that the CEO will intervene, completely healing Isaiah.

Injustice

I felt yucky most of the day, dirty, sad, disappointed and angry- and all because of a phone call. Mbamie is expecting, which is so exciting and amazing. Her first child in America. A physical presence reaffirming the reunification of husband and wife after many horrid years of separation due to war. They have been through so much and it's exciting that God is not done with them yet. When I think of all they have lived through, I am very much in awe and think of what an honor it is to be able to help even in the smallest way.

Mbamie nearly died giving birth to her first child. The baby did die and she would have if it wasn't for an off-duty doctor stopping by the clinic where she was, recognizing her family name and taking it upon himself with much risk to transport her to a hospital (several of which refused to take her due to her great risk of death). He took her to his hospital in a taxi while she went into a coma like state and did an emergency c-section, saving her life.

She lived and had two other children, the second of which is now 5 years old and just met her dad for the first time. The other pregnancies also had complications.

Mbamie and her husband are understandably anxious to see the doctor. We jumped through all the hoops and placed numerous phone calls to finally get her on medicaid. Today I called the doctor I had in hopes of getting her in, and she is all filled up.

So I tried my second pick. The receptionist was more than leery of taking on Mbamie. I said I was her translator and she was really lippy saying that they had to talk to her and what language did she speak and did she know ANY English and she would have to check with the nurse and doctor about it. I felt so horrid after that call. This can't be possible. I called the International Rescue Committee (the program that is bringing over refugees here) to make sure- "discriminating due to language is illegal right? I mean more than just nasty, rude, insensitive and heartless- it's illegal too right?" Yep, they said it is, but doctors can quite easily jump around who they want and don't want by saying that they are all filled up or can not take any new patients at this time.

I called back to the doctor to find out if the doctor or nurse had an answer yet and the receptionist very smartly told me that I needed to wait for them to call me back. I did say that I was just trying to figure out what exactly the problem was.

Agent B was off half the day, so I got him to go get Mbamie from work and got her on the phone to make the call. The thing is, I've met this doctor and he seemed really good. I've had lots of ladies go to him and loved him. I wanted her with a good caring doctor, even if the receptionist needs a new heart. I coached Mbamie through her answers. She really can understand quite a bit, but like many new language speakers is shy about speaking it, then with her heavy accent, it's really hard for people to understand what she says. She repeated her name spelling about 3 times and they still don't have it right. The lady kept saying- ok, is that right and Mbamie kept saying the correct spelling until we both giggled and she said- sure that's right. They'll get it fixed when we come in.

The good news is that they are taking her. The bad news is that the appointment is a month away. Mbamie will be into her 2nd trimester by then, but I hated to try for something better after we finally got an affirmative on something.

CEO, please watch over this child and Mbamie. May this office and all the staff be warm, welcoming, considerate and loving toward Mbamie, her husband and baby. Keep them safe in your care, and give them peace especially as they continue to wait to see a doctor.

Why friendship is important

He's 1 week shy of his 91st birthday. A steady stream of people come into his home everyday, but he feels like he's all alone if our car so much as leaves the street. The people who come are nurses, a cleaning lady, meals-on-wheels delivery person and while most are kind and genuine, they are there because of a program and Obiwan's emotional needs are not met through them.

He said tonight: "you make me feel like I'm wanted in this world. Some people walk by and never look at you, like you're not even there. Others come to get something from you. Some come so that they can go gossip about everything- that's bad. You're like my children. I call you my chilluns and if I see any movement at your place I feel like I'm not alone."

Back in the saddle

Yesterday I had one of those CEO orchestrated moments. I was trying to get the kids out of agent B's hair and thought of taking them to the park. As I drove out of the driveway, I thought of how I should have called a friend to join us, but then many of the friends I thought of would be having family time. I thought of pulling into one park, but we ended up passing it, then as I turned toward the first park I'd thought of, which would take me past Meshell's house, I thought of stopping to see if she and her son wanted to come along. When I stopped the car, I landed in a melting pot of frustration, tears, hurt and pain. Meshell was a couple of houses away and while I waved at her, she acted like she didn't know me. Her mom was at the door and proceeded to tell me that her daughter (25/30 years old) was running away, that all she asked her to do was to take care of her by making her some tea, that it was the least she could do after everything she's ever done for her... (blah, blah, blah) and can you talk to her?

By this time Meshell had put a block or two between us, so I got back in the car and drove to catch her. When I pulled over, she came to the car and I asked her if she was OK. She just burst into tears-- "I just stay in the house all day, every day, no one wants to help us, we can't get rides to go pay bills or get anything done..." (blah, blah, blah). Basically she was just really stressed and freaking out. Her brothers and their girlfriends had just moved out that weekend. Meshell, her son and mom are the only ones who are left in the house, with no phone, no transportation and little gumption or imagination (I don't say that to be mean or belittling, but they just don't have the resources, financial, emotional, physical to get a lot of basic things done).

So we got to go to the park. It was just so cool that the Lover would see her tears, hear her cries and hook us up at just the perfect time. I didn't hear a big voice or anything, I didn't know if it was my thinking or His doing until I'd stopped and saw that this was where we were supposed to be. A physical touch to show that the Lover sees, He knows and to turn to Him because He has ways and solutions we can not even dream of.

Then tonight, Meshell called (from the neighbor's) to see if I could take her to the grocery store. I had time and a car, so AO#1 and I went to get them. The store she shops at caters to the down and out. It was like walking back in time, into our former life with the Izzy group. Before I got out of the car, Juliette called out to me. She and her boyfriend were getting their beverages before heading home (a 2 liter soda for her and a 40 oz for him). They were genuinely pleased to see us and wanted to know how we were doing. They were so happy for me and my life, even as they admitted and confessed to drowning out theirs. They are so real, confessing this addiction or that problem and saying how they just cling to hope, hope for each other and their lives. Juliette once told me to cherish my family, that it was so precious and it brings tears to my heart whenever I think of her telling me that. Juliette has lived on and off the streets for a very long time, but she is a mom too and has never been able to live it. Her kids are never far from her thoughts, but she doesn't get to mother them, to hold them or talk to them or play a real part in their lives. Schizophrenia and street life has stolen all that from her and so much more.

The store's entire stash of milk had gone bad, so we had one more stop to make. I took Meshell to the grocery store I usually go to. It was a bit shocking to drive back into "suburbia". It was truly a different world. I am so privileged. I am so thankful for our phone, for our car, for the freedom and opportunities to go places, for the many friends I have, for my sanity and mental stability and for this strange life we are in that allows us to walk in both worlds- at least to some degree. And even with all our stuff and freedoms, I too have felt that strain, that pressure, that sense of being lost and alone at times and I'm most thankful that the Lover is always there to open my eyes to the truth that His love never fails.

new kids on the block

I'm a lot like the Israelites- I grumble. I find myself feeling sad when we are not actively involved in some sort of ministry situation and feel like we are just living for ourselves- thus sense my spirit grumbling with the CEO over it. Then He'll send someone our way and I'll grumble about the time, effort and stretching it involves on our part. I am trying to change this and sometimes I recognize that He gives us seasons of interaction and seasons of rest and can thus actually appreciate the rhythm of it.

Our street has been interesting. It is not the "inner city", nor is it the "suburbs". It's just people with all sorts of needs and levels of need. Where the CEO seems to have directed us most has been to Obiwan and to the children of the neighborhood. Children are so open and friendly. While we may not know all the adults on our street, the kids have no problem with stopping over and asking if we can play or if they can come in our house (even before we had kids). To miss these opportunities would truly be foolishness, because I am learning they do not last long and it goes in waves.

When we first landed here, it was Freida's preteens who came over regularly, but in 5 short years, they are too cool for that and it has become much harder to connect with them. There were other kids down the street who lived without utilities who we were able to connect with quite a bit after the teens stopped coming by as much. Then they moved on and it has been Jenny and Sebastien that came a lot. These two now have a new baby brother and come as good friends, but not as often as before. I am seeing that now it may be time to invest in a brother and sister who are frequenting our neighborhood more and more. They hang out with their grandpa in the day during the summer and came once to color with us. We've seen them quite a bit on the street lately. Their parents are going through a divorce and they are obviously looking for friends and love.

I need to kill my flesh in this. The other day, they were trying to hang out and I was just enjoying peace without the 4some I had had all day. I was surfing the net and I heard them outside begging for attention. I have to get over wanting "my time" and get over the little quirks that irk me in them. Sometimes I find these two annoying. Stupid things like littering on the street or in the house (seen that before), trying to run over others during play, being ungrateful and bossy. The thing is it's not their fault they are like that and these aren't the important matters. The important thing is that they are here, they are calling out for love and the CEO has called us to love others. It would be easier and not as messy if we just shut our door and our hearts, but we would be missing out on a most great opportunity that will not come by again- at least not with them at this time and place. Each day is unique and we have to capture both the times of rest and the times of planting, watering and allowing the CEO to work through us. It's critical for us and for them.